Bachelor Matty Ep 2: The One Where Matty Jr. Feels a Stirring

27 Jul

42BB713F00000578-0-image-m-152_1501162707876Welcome back, lovers.  Did anyone else spend the night farting and blaming it on Natalie?    Rico reckons he was odour-free but did wake up certain he was on his rag  thanks to Jen’s Libra Overnights dress.

Tonight we open with food and raised eyebrows and a recap of Dress Gate.  Jen has no forgiveness but vows to keep Liz closer than a genital herpe.

Osh arrives with the very first single.  He says they will be seeing a lot more of him – especially at 2am outside their bedroom windows.

Elora gets the date because a good 70% of the other girls want her dead.  Jen is sad but pragmatic that after a full day of Elora’s exotic cleavage he’ll think of the one girl who got out of a limo in feminine hygiene product cosplay.

It’s a boat date which of course means Elora in less fabric than it would take to swaddle a gerbil.  His plan is to demystify her by with plimsoles, deckchairs, and vodka-less orange juice.  Rico reckons he is officially dead to him.

They talk about  their ages for a while and says she looks good for 27 because apparently 27 is one hoof in the grave.  Back at the Bach Pad Belinda feels a strangely sharp pang in her long-dead uterus.

Water time and that means the swimsuit that ravenous termites prepared earlier.  Matty looks forward to digging deeper because in that suit the effort won’t put his back out.

Off the boat and there’s some wordless staring and hair stroking.  She asks about G-Love and he says that there’s some sadness, but that time heals all – even the memory of the backwards cap hair she rocked on finale night.  Romantic music plays and even though Elora is no longer wearing her swimsuit it’s obvious Matty Jr is still picturing her in it.  It all stops at the cheek though and Elora scuttles back to the Bach Pad with her tonsils intact.

No sooner has she swanned though the doors, though, and Jen and her new blood-bestie Leah want a full report in triplicate.  Elora reckons she needs to think about it and which is clearly Tahitian code for ‘out of my cold, dead hands’.

Group date time and Matty is accompanied by Osher and a hideous white blazer draped around a possible woman.  Sian is wearing a denim choker which Rico thinks bodes ill for the entire occasion and only when the theme turns out to be 80s does he agree to come out of the Dog’s box.

Like every other Bach season since the dawn of yawns, this is the inaugural Woman’s Day photo shoot written in blood in the the sponsorship agreement.  Only one girl gets the one-on-one photo shoot and because she’s got a reputation for turning up to public events sans pants, that girl naturally is Leah.  First though it’s Florence and Jen in a glorious set up in which Florence is the girl in the bikini, Matty is the boy in the trunks and Jen is the mentally disturbed pervert lurking by the pool in the striped skull cap missing the propeller.

Photos don’t get much better than this lovers and Jen can rest easy in the knowledge that crimped hair may vanish but glorious memories like this will be readily accessible via Google for eternity.

Next photo is the 80s prom as imagined by whichever millennial wanker directed Tree of Life.  Jen snarks that Liz’s dress is putrid in the hopes that it will somehow make last night’s sanitary showstopper less so.  Matty dances with Laura.  Sian does the worm.  It’s like watching mince defrosting.

The second to last shoot features cheerleaders and which allows Rico to perk up enough to adjust his Stable Table.  When it finally rolls around to Leah and Matty there’s a full studio audience of disapproving semi-drunks.  But then Leah’s lips end up in the empty void where Matty’s face used to be and it’s like the Olympic Torch entering the stadium.

Leah is crushed but denies it.  The rest of the girls could die horribly and still be thrilled AF.

Next day dawns and Matty surprises the girls with a basket of muffins and the news he’s now a 50-something homemaker named Beverley.  Aside from bringing food not one of these bitches will eat, he’s here to take Huge Beast Lisa on a drive in a tiny car where her head and leathery wings will be forced to poke out of the soft-top.

At the end of the drive there’s a tennis court and Matty is so confident he’ll lose he bets strawberries, cream and the Pimms some wanker producer prepared earlier. They then hop into a freezing pool so that Matty’s swimmers can lapse into a coma and forget about their near brush with Leah.

What can we say, lovers, other than pre-tennis Lisa though Matty was rootable but post-tennis Lisa looks at him like he’s got an extra scrotum dangling out his mouth.

The best he gets is a cheek-peck and the certainty he’d better look back towards the paddock.

Cocktail party time and Lisa brandishes her rose and kindly omits the part where Matty made a flailing tit of himself.  Trouble starts when Elora goes to find Matty, unaware that the protocol in such situations is to give him cow-eyes and pick passive-aggressively at her enormous cleavage.  Jen says it’s time to take her down a notch and Leah agrees – the problem being Elora gives not a solitary Tahitian fuck and OH GOD IF MATTY DOESN’T MARRY HER HE NEEDS TO HAND HIS DICK IN AT THE FRONT DESK.

Not to be left out, Leah and Simone start bickering about whether they like each other but no-one really cares because ELORA.


Rose Cermony time and Sian and Leah’s lipstick appears to have been flushed down the toilet along with their last ten Chardonnays.  Cobie gets the first rose, Leah gets the last rose and Osher wipes away a tiny tear because this means Matty is no Sam Wood and is about as likely to marry a black haired woman as to let a homeless crank addict wax his perineum.

Farewell Laura-Ann minus the E.  Guess you’ll have to use your lawerly skills to bust Osher’s underground sweat shop from the beyond the perimeter now.  Mind those Dobermans!

Until next week. lovers, and what looks like Laura on a boat and a Game of Thrones-esque group date that hopefully has Jennifer in the role of Joffrey.

xo Flawless




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