Bachelor Matty Ep 1: The One Where Putrid is the New Black

26 Jul

ep 1

Evening, lovers.  I do hope everyone’s wearing their nipple-proof vests because it’s BACHELOR OPENING NIGHT and if past years and the promos are anything to go by, Matty’s nips are going to be leading the charge right into your lounge rooms.

TBH I’m a little tired of nipples.  They’re like the wholemeal bread of erogenous zones and I’ve noticed that if I stare at Matty’s for an extended period of time they start to look like the judgemental eyes of a surprise Albino.

Speaking of surprises, Matty is wearing socks so that’s a lovely one.  Osher, on the other hand, has opted for a more culturally diverse shade of foundation – presumably in response to all the complaints.

Before we get started, though, it’s important to spare a thought for good old Georgia Love, she who hitched her wagon to lumbering Lee and is still struggling to leave her driveway.  For those of you who’ve been here before, you’ll know that Lee’s unnaturally large tongue had me in a state of near-permanent seizure last year and I’d just like to thank our George for choosing him and, in doing so, sparing us the obscenity of that flesh-coloured colossus taking 22 new mouths for a test drive.

Anyhoo, we’re going to get straight to the arrivals and skip all the G-Love heartbreak froth because, let’s face it, we buy that about as much as wine out of a bottle.

Girl 1 is… Oh wait that’s Osher.  False alarm kids, false alarm.  Forgive us but with the ill-matching foundation and newly shaved back and sides for a minute there we thought he was a slutty inmate fresh out of Litchfield.

Let’s try that again.  Girl 1 is:  Alix.  Alix is literally Jennifer Aniston’s abs on stilts.  Matty likes the cut of her jib because he obeys the law of the penis jungle.  She shows him some of her professional body paint and talks about her perpetually spasming body parts.  Matty says she’s set the bar high and someone in Wardrobe mutters they knew they should have put him in spandex.

Girl 2 is nanny Tara.  Literally a uterus on legs.  Her dress is actually three quarter length flared lace pantaloons which were probably designed by one of her charges.  She uses words like ‘epic’ and ‘mate’ and rather foolishly shows him the half-finished sphincter tattoo her and another ten drunk nannies got at the annual convention.

Girl 3 is Laura the jewellery designer in a rather unexpected faeces-coloured jumpsuit.  She’s another Jennifer Aniston on stilts and Matty won’t let her leave until she hands over some hand bling he can pawn for booze later.

Girl 4 is Cobie the helium addict who can’t even appear on a TV show without breathing deep of the sweet nectar fresh from the rubber teat.  Matty joins her for a hit then keeps the balloon because the next ten girls are the ones whose names he’ll have lost by lunchtime.

Aaaand here they are:  Simone with her Stone Henge rack job, Elise the Hockeyroo, Monica the teeny Nigella, Laura-Anne of the tingling ovaries, Elizabeth who will shortly become a Stone Cold Star, Steph another blonde, Charlene who is not, Stacey and her blurred corporate sash work, Quinn from Bold and the Beautiful and Jennifer who wants to be dipped because her best angle has always been looking up at a man from behind her own chin.

With the chuff out of the way it’s on to Natalie who isn’t sure whether to hug him or hump him and sadly opts for the former.  She uses the word moist, name-drops a vagina as her last relationship and says Matty’s last season shirtlessness was the reason she drew a red line through the word ‘cunnilingus’ on her chores board.  Matty, being the consummate professional, smiles, nods and uses his ass cheeks to depress the panic button Osher placed in his cleft earlier.

Girl 16 is Michelle who arrives in her own police car because the limo driver refused to spend his weekend scrubbing bacon out of the upholstery.  Matty is instantly titillated and tells her he has a history of urinating on Australian Flora and the chances are high he’s been in the back of her ride drunkenly clutching a Black Boy.

Girl 17 is Belinda a contextually geriatric love coach who wants to stand out by creating the most awkward piece of television since Lou Carpenter was caught jacking off out the back of Lassiters.  She succeeds.

Girl 18 is fresh-from-the-Netherlands Florence who comes bearing a pair of child-size clogs because she, like everyone else outside of Australia, assumes a person called ‘Matty J’ must be a toddler.

Girl 19 is Akoulina the rhythmic gymnast in the pants so high there’s blue polyester stuck between her front teeth.

Girl 20 is Lisa who gets the happy music.  She calls herself a ‘huge beast’ because she’s tall and likes to crush fictional Japanese cities in her spare time.  They bond over their shared love of tennis and she says she’ll let him win but only if he wears a tight skirt and gets Nike to sponsor his bralet.

Girl 21 is Leah who prefers her men without a full head of Ross Gellar.  She makes reference to liking it slow and Matty gets flustered because what are ad breaks if not a mission directive for warp speed?

With the arrivals done we get into the house where Leah thinks she’s last because she hasn’t seen all the Elora promos.  Nanny Tara goes in for The Hug and instead gets The Snub while Jennifer is unimpressed that Leah is wearing HER EXACT DRESS IN BLACK and yet didn’t pair it with a set of calf-length granny bloomers.

In comes Osher banging his toddler fork on his sippy cup because the girls need a crash course in floristry, secret gardens and how it all relates to the desires of a man’s penis.  This cues Matty who says he fell in love ‘in this situation’ once before and he’s keen to do it again even if they have to bring Richie in as an intruder to make it happen.

First to get some one-on-one is Aniston 2 AKA Laura – but not really because in comes Elora with her snappy braid and her fire just in time to witness Tara’s disgust that someone might have paid actual money for Cirque de Solei.  While Elora valiantly avoids torching her parts, the other girls are mad that she might be an Intruder, or worse, a woman with a background that isn’t English, Russian or Scandinavian.

While the other girls work hard on being jealous un-jealously, Elora cuts in on Charlene’s one-on-one time, which forces Jennifer to cut in on her one-on-one time and which causes a chain of events that is best described by Natalie’s belching.

We won’t say too much about Jennifer’s dress because we like to save all the juicy critique for Frock Watch, but I think it’s fair to say that if Leah’s black version is scraping the bottom of the barrel, Jennifer’s white is plunging through the bottom and straight into the molten core of the Earth.  Jennifer, sadly, seems genuinely unaware of this and so when she overhears Elizabeth launching a truth bomb she does an about face and walks slowly away because if she walked fast her trussed legs would face-plant her square in the Koi pond.

To all her new besties on the other side of the room, Jennifer says she ‘doesn’t do drama’.  Cue Elizabeth who has consulted OJ’s lawyers and come up an alternative scenario she’s desperate to pitch.  Basically it’s that Jen’s frock had shit on the bottom and the whole putrid thing had nothing to do with the Ikea shelf around her guts you could set a champagne flute on.  Jennifer, of course, is in NO mood to buy and after a attempt to run interference from Laura it’s a fairly sure bet these two won’t be planning each other’s baby showers.

‘Play the victim then’ says Elizabeth, stalking away.

‘Aaand we have this year’s Kiera’, says Kiera – I mean Jennifer.

Back to Matty and he’s with Tara who has kicked off her shoes but hopefully left in her menstral cup.  But then it’s Secret Garden time with the privilege going to ‘Huge Beast’ Lisa who will likely appreciate the extra space to stretch her enormous, clawed feet.

Matty just can’t help himself; he spends the whole time telling Lisa she is pretty and trying desperately to find words other than ‘pretty’.  Model Lisa tries to bat it all away and admits she doesn’t take compliments well and hence why standing in front of a photographer at dawn and being told she’s fat and ugly is her dream job.

More cutting in follows the Secret Garden, with Jennifer doubling down for a second strike to the shock of everyone who thought sitting on the couch in that dress would be the end of her.  But then it’s time for what used to be the White Rose or the Yellow Rose but is now back to the plain old Red Rose which goes to vigilant police-person Michelle.  Matty tells her he was very happy to be manhandled and since he’s used to bribing cops to get out of lock-up, will she accept this rose?

Off to the big RC and Jen didn’t intend to have any drama and Matty needs to know this and Osher and everyone else who was ever born.  Speaking of Osh his hair has grown exponentially between now and the first limo and the only explanation for this is that this is actually Osher From The Future and if the Osher From The Present turns up it will create a paradox that will cause Matty to propose marriage to Belinda.

Anyhoo, you all watched the show so you’ll know marauding wilderbeast Lisa  got the first rose and the Anna Wintour of the Bach Pad, Elizabeth, got the last.  The two to go home were sash girl and Nigella Jr – who I’ll be honest I didn’t pick because she was legit almost too pretty to function.

Tomorrow of course is the very first single and by the looks of things it goes to scandalously exotic Elora who will thrill us with her non-white privilege and her the-dental-floss-dental-floss-wears swimwear.

Until tomorrow, lovers!

xo Flawless

P.s – Frock Watch is on the way.  Set your Judge-o-Metres to CRITICAL MASS



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