Home Town Hideousness on MAFS

22 Feb

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Because we’ve always suffered with impulse control, here’s a few randoms about hometown visits on MAFS:

Susan and Sean

If Sean’s dental sodomy hadn’t already whispered in her ear, stepping out of the car and into the bloody carcasses of a rabid dog’s breakfast sure as shit let Susan know what kind of post-apocalyptic country HELL she was strolling on into.  Things got worse indoors where the only cool spot was taken up by approximately ten billion ready-to-nuke packs of McCains with no intention of shifting.  It was then Sean knew he had to pull out the big guns, which in deep country means a wagon pulled by a surly mule showing you the sights of a town that would almost certainly be at home in the pages of a Stephen King novella.

Verdict:  Think of your teeth and run while you can, Susie

Simon and Alene

Well, Samson lost his hair and now all he’s got to bamboozle Delilah is a depressing flat and a climate that encourages enormous spiders to thrive.  He also point blank refuses to spill his guts and, in response to ‘have you slept together’, recoils harder than a 12 gauge shotgun.

Verdict:  If he keeps his keys in the fridge we shudder to think about the contents of his night stand

Michelle and Jesse

If finding out your new groom’s mother looks almost as much like you as your own twin isn’t bad enough, how about learning she WON’T EVER BE GOING HOME BECAUSE SHE LIVES THERE.

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Now we are one

Yes, lovers, the producers have already trolled us hard on this match and now we find out that not only is he potentially still on the teat, but has a secret desire to be Fruit Lord of Adelaide. Well, his secret is now out and Michelle has to work out whether Con the Fruiterer was amongst her childhood crushes or whether she should punch herself in the teeth and hope that a shard penetrates her brain.

Verdict:  Make a break for it while he’s labeling the cantaloupes, Michelle.

Vanessa and Andrew

Ok, so Army Andrew’s house was actually quite comely but what wasn’t so attractive was his bald bestie who spent the night marking Andy so hard Vanessa was constantly shielding her face from the over-spray.  Rico reckons Thomo has the look of a man who spends way too many hours fantasising about being one of the last two soldiers trapped in a conveniently sexy bunker and if Vanessa isn’t already sleeping with a box cutter under her pillow she’d be wise to start.

Verdict:  Andy is a mildly dented peach who seems to like his screen wife, so Thomo may wish to consider having his opinions reinserted by a passing easily offended strongman.

Sharon and Nick

Despite the promos promising us a pack of crack whores for friends, Nick’s mates turned out to be oddly reasonable, mildly eclectic and clearly hired for the occasion.  Still, while his real friends twitched and foamed in the basement, Michelle embraced his cosmopolitan side and was able to squash her concerns that his last five years were spent as an informal judge for Miss Labiaverse.

Verdict:  Coitus Definitely Uninterruptus

Nadia and Anthony

In case the image of his cannibalistic little toddler teeth from last week didn’t fill us with UGH (it did), Anthony stepped up this week to take us to a whole new level of wishing he could fall into a convenient vat of molten lava.  Apart from all the obnoxious horse statuettes, Anthony showed us that customer service operators are just the soft bellies into which he sinks his giant boot and which proves – as if last week’s whole Cheryl thing didn’t – that if he were the last man on earth all women would immediately hop on the express shuttle for Pluto.

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Verdict:  Flash the lights three times at midnight for help, Nadia

Cheryl and Andrew

We saved this one for last because we’re sadists.  Things started off OK with Andrew’s family but only if ‘OK’ can possibly include Andrew making a crack about Cheryl sliding down his fire pole IN FRONT OF HIS OWN MOTHER.  Then came the old beach picnic which was clearly just a ruse for Andrew to pull out a tiny instrument that, to Rico’s deep regret, wasn’t his penis.

Oh lovers, the only set of words destined to end worse than Andrew’s ‘I wrote you a song’ ironically enough turned to be what came out of Cheryl’s mouth seconds into their first kiss, and if there’s EVER the opportunity to pull out a Seinfeld GIF, this is it:

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Yep, just like Jerry couldn’t bring himself to eat the pie of the unhygenic chef, so too Cheryl couldn’t bring herself to pash the man who’d presented her with the musical equivalent of a severed head.  Andrew’s entitlement game was strong, though, and he took to the cameras to say it was SHIT and a F*CKING TURN-OFF and lots of other things that could be better used to describe his music.

Here’s a tip to stop them running, Andy:  next time the urge to compose takes you, walk yourself out to the nearest cricket pitch and insult the batsman’s mother until his bat is wedged up to the handle.  I promise the outcome will be better for all of us.

xo Flawless

Edit:  According to The Vine, Andrew reckons Cheryl’s rejection was a hastily smashed montage of bits from her first marriage to Jonathon and the result of filming that scene three times.  That’s right, kids, THREE FECKING TIMES.  Cheryl, we don’t know you, but our ears got the tampon treatment after only one race around that music track and that means respect, sister.  RESPECT.

 

 

 

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2 Responses to “Home Town Hideousness on MAFS”

  1. Bridge February 22, 2017 at 8:56 am #

    More Rico reckons please. Xxx

    • Flawless February 22, 2017 at 11:33 am #

      Rico reckons youre our biggest fan xo

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