MKR Breaking News: We Are All Now Amy and Tyson’s B*tches

7 Feb


Hola, lovers!  Sorry we skipped the Tim and Kyle recap but, to be honest, we’re so tired of Channel 7 convincing us they’re not gay that, well, we didn’t want it to rub off on us.  Turns out we would have been wasting our damn time anyway because hello to our new conquering heroes!

Amy and Tyson, from the minute the promos started you were bent over and given the ‘Zana and Gianni’ – otherwise known as the Chloe and Kelly, the Jessie and Biswa and – hell, if you feel like stooping that low –  the Kat and Andre.


Lest we forget

That means the first of the IR rounds has been full of Australia wanting your guts served on a plate for the express purpose of spitting on it – or shitting on it if they could manage the correct angle.  And that means there are many people out there tonight exhibiting the kind of rage that ‘Angry Angry Man’ Tyson could only dream of.

Thank you, Amy and Tyson. We sometimes get frustrated that a comment like ‘those two are so MEAN’ can get literal THOUSANDS of Likes (albeit from toddlers and imbeciles) but nights like tonight, where those same toddlers and imbeciles will wake up in the night choking on their still foaming mouths, make it so, so worth it.

How did the night go, I hear you ask? Well, first came the brains and although we knew the judges would faint over them there were Tasmanians at the table and Tasmanians are fierce defenders of their right to slaughter and then bin all the bits that look a bit gross.  There was also the issue that Ros turned up wearing Naomi Campbell’s bronzer and – well ok, that’s not related to the food but FFS woman do you not look in the shiny thing that hangs above your basin before you leave the house?

Anyhoo the brains were so good Skinny Pete couldn’t stop staring at their sparkly, pinky innards and even Ash who claimed sweaty hands just from reading the menu sucked them into her guts and refused David’s hopeful offer of a bucket.

Speaking of David, he and the woman whose clothes will never be casually strewn over his Ikea shag pile have been getting their own Kat and Andre of late and tonight it was stepped up a notch with many grimacing close-ups which did nothing for David’s patchy foundation.  Unlike Bek and Ash who were relying on The Twist to save them, David and Betty feared it would throw a hessian bag over their heads and dump them in a pit of their own dessert and, thus, they were mad keen to at least find a rat in their coulis.

Unfortunately for them and despite an interminable number of SUSPENSEFUL AD BREAKS and Tyson considering a first date between the wall and his fist, Skinny Pete labelled the main better than the brains.  But then Tyson smiled and we mean SMILED and if that sweet little goblin grin wasn’t enough to melt the hearts of the MKR Facebook Page goon squad – well, they can feck off and die.

And then there was dessert. Marshmallow?  Check.  Dark chocolate ice cream?  Check.  Pretzel crumb?  Check.  Spongecake in the microwave?  Check, bitches, OH HOLY CHECK!

Honestly, lovers, that was like rocking up to the top of the Faraway Tree and stepping into Boxed Claret Land and Rico reckons he would have fallen to his knees if not for fear of making eye contact with one of the miniature grooms from Married at First Sight.

Scoring was a fun affair with Tim and Kyle giving them an eight because, well, they’re human and that trophy felt so good clenched between their hairy thighs.  David and Betty also scored an eight because they’re also human – or at least want us to believe they are until the arrival of the Mothership.

Anyhoo, Amy and Tyson did it:  busted a record so fresh the blowflies were still being vetted by security .  To the boys’ credit they took it well:  Kyle only slightly looked like he wanted to nut himself while  Tim said that they KNEW the brother and sister would be their biggest competition – and no he didn’t mean David and Betty.

The best part of the night, though, had to be Tyson saying that it showed he wasn’t full of shit – just packed with the raw schadenfreude of someone who now has enough middle fingers for everyone.



Oh and to the sadly non-singular fuckwit who suggested someone should contact Uber and try and get Tyson fired?  We hope you enjoy the largest finger of them all and that it takes an ER nurse with an enormous pair of forceps to get it out.

Sadly for David and Betty, but happily for Bek and Ash, tomorrow night is the first Sudden Death of the season where the team who scored 26 get a second chance, and the team who served us the donut even Labradors reject get to possibly cook something worse.

Oh, lovers, we can hardly wait.  And not just because Fergus will be there and it’s been too long without the warmth of our favourite drunk sun.

xo Flawless


3 Responses to “MKR Breaking News: We Are All Now Amy and Tyson’s B*tches”

  1. Skye February 27, 2017 at 5:23 am #

    HELP. Where are You, Rico and The Dog? We can’t survive MKR without you.

    • Flawless February 27, 2017 at 10:59 am #

      Thanks kiddo but it was so much work and our reach rather than growing just seems to be getting smaller and smaller. Its been 5 years and we reckon we might hang up our hats xo

      • Skye March 2, 2017 at 12:09 pm #

        No. No. No. No. No. Please. No.

        How about we enter together next year? We can drink boxed wine. Cook with boxed wine. Box all the other contestants with our Galloping Gourmet wine supping techniques with no regard to the wine. And introduce fine dog hair to a fine dining experience as only the good wine drinkers truly appreciate.

        Stay Calm and drink more.


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