MKR 2017: The One Where David and Betty Make Satan Proud

31 Jan


Evening, lovers!  Well we made it out of Tasmania alive and back to the mainland of NSW and tonight can pretty much be summed up as follows:





Oh.  Holy.  F*ck.

Sorry, lovers, Rico and I would usually take a measured approach to something so traumatic but he’s presently rocking in the corner of the pantry and when I knocked on The Dog’s door he just cranked up the the theme music from Jaws and, well, me is all you’ve got I’m afraid.

In case you missed tonight’s episode, here are the few things worth noting that don’t relate to the chocolate-covered abomination you see- and will never be able to unsee – above:

  1. David is a piss-poor parker and Betty has no idea when to scream ‘ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!’ and yank the wheel from a b*tch’s hands.
  2. David and Betty used Sauce From a Bottle (SFAB).  Usually when this happens Manu turns a peculiar shade of purple velour and storms back to his trailer for a mop-down.  Tonight he didn’t – presumably because when you start correcting the habits of a blind woman you may as well punch your reputation in the nuts with a broken punch bowl.
  3. Speaking of a punch bowl, David and Betty live in Punchbowl which will shortly be renamed ‘Punch Bowel’ for obvious dessert-related reasons.
  4. They named their Instant Restaurant ‘Anchor and Palms’ because that’s a thing they have tattooed on their bodies and they didn’t want to use the one of the Turducken riding a long board.
  5. She’s a ‘Social Media Influencer’ which is apparently what you are when you have a blog.  Well unless you’re us, that is, and then you’re just drunk losers with claret stains where your followers should be
  6. Their IR was covered in pictures of their families who were immigrants and refugees and all kinds of other people who had it tough but not nearly as tough as those around the table who were forced to swallow the third course.
  7. David pronounces ‘succulent’ as ‘sunkulent’, while Betty says says ‘Afrogato’ instead of ‘Afogato’ and all of which means if they’re going to breed they really shouldn’t do it with each other.
  8. Kyle has tattoos too:  one of them a spider web, the other a pair of – presumably Tim’s – trousers.
  9. We thought Ros was bronzed last night but tonight she looked like she’d dabbed on a glue stick and then rolled face-first in Ayers Rock.
  10. Bek agreed to Karen and Ros being her bridesmaids at her wedding to Kyle.  Bek is a young vet and doesn’t understand the dangers of taffeta on a weathered cleavage.
  11. Manu eats a pork bun with all the delicacy and sophistication one would expect from a man who is known to eat sauce with his fists.
  12. Tyson and Amy don’t seem to want to ‘make friends’ – and which is shocking to all the other teams who are clearly in this solely out of the fear of dying alone.
  13. When you leave ochra in a soup too long it turns into the stuff your nose usually barfs into a tissue during cold and flu season.
  14. David and Betty had to take a selfie of them serving the main because otherwise it never happened.
  15. Whenever Amy and Tyson are the on the screen the MKR soundtrack changes to death metal.
  16. Damo and Caz thought Amy and Tyson were WAY HARSH and which was interesting because they scored WAY HARSHER.  Damo also couldn’t understand how any woman (Amy) couldn’t like kids.  Australian women with small children now want to punch Damo in his man tits.

Oh but lovers, that DESSERT.  So prolific were the warning signs it’s a tragedy the other diners failed to hear them so they could flee the city before the military sealed the Freeways.

Who in f*ck CARES that Matcha is ‘on trend’.  Do you know what else is ‘on trend’?  SOCKS AND SANDALS!  Matthew Newton was once ‘on trend’ – and if that isn’t a terrifying enough example, harken back to the seventies when suspending meat in gelatin was the height of ON TREND.


Yes, yes we KNOW, lovers:  we’d rather eat that too over what Betty and David saw fit to tear from the rectum of Satan for dessert.  I mean, at least it’s less f*cking GREEN.

And FFS if I had a box of claret for every team who thought dark chocolate could ‘balance out the bitter flavour’.  Just chuck on a bag of sugar you self-loathing hipster ring pieces.

I have to say, though, that Manu was just exquisitely on form in his judgement tonight and not even all those photos of Betty’s blind mother were enough to stop him from dry retching into his napkin and then slapping them with it.

We were not prepared for this, lovers.  We walked into tonight’s ep so sure our whole blog would be tasteful jokes about David’s inability to root Betty.


We’ll never doubt you again, Skinny Pete.

Well, until the next time you start yapping your mouth about vaccinations, that is.

Let’s be kind to ourselves tonight, lovers.  God knows we all need it.

xo Flawless


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: