MKR 2017: A Full Body Cavity Inspection of the New Teams

19 Jan

Hola, lovers!  The team profiles are finally up and that means time to pull on the rubber gloves, forgo the Vaseline and give the next round of contestants a thorough seeing-to.  Who’s with us?

GROUP ONE:

David and Betty

What MKR says about them:   A crap tonne of sexual innuendo such as ‘hoping to go all the way’, ‘sticking to their roots’ and ‘just like brother and sister’.  They also drop the bomb that he’s a -shudder- boat person and that means he’ll be wise to drape his Instant Restaurant in the Australian Flag lest Pauline Hansen declare him a threat to national security.

What we think:  MKR references Betty’s ‘fast knife skills’ which means David probably agreed to be ‘just friends’ after his first attempt landed him in the ER with his penis wrapped in a paper towel.

Karen and Ros

What MKR says about them:  That they have a shite loads of kids and also get to yank them out of women’s vaginas on a daily basis.  According to Karen, having a baby is a beautiful experience – presumably because she’s so hardened by her years at the coal face the act of coaxing a woman to push our her last meal, along with her baby’s head, is akin to flowers from Tom Hardy.  All of which means they’re midwives and we can expect to hear that word until our ears fill themselves with concrete.

What we say: They birth tiny humans for a living so their chances of getting the Bad Edit is up there with Skinny Pete slinging off his toupee during a particularly hot curry.

Bek and Ash

What MKR say about them: That they’re so desperate for boyfriends they’ll go on a cooking show because even if they don’t meet anyone there’s always the leftover zucchinis. They also say things like ‘the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach’ and which could be true but only if we’re talking about a eunuch.

What we say: The blonde is the one we’ve seen in all the ads throwing ‘come hump me raw eyes’ at the lumbersexual Hagrid – so don’t forget to bring your rosary and some holy water for when the coulis isn’t the only fluid on the exchange.

Tim and Kyle

What MKR say about them:  Basically that they love beer and footy and chicks and beer and footy and chicks and NOT ANAL SEX WITH EACH OTHER.  Right, now that we’ve got that out of the way they also ‘make a pretty rad team’ which definitely does not involve penetrating each other’s orifices.  Thanks, MKR.  Message received.

What we say: Beards are like a box of chocolates: you never know if you’re going to bite into one and find a chin that failed to grow past Kindergarten.

Amy and Tyson

What MKR say about them:  They’re a self-taught brother and sister team with a full playbook of cuss words ready to use to describe the food.  He says he’s arrogant, she says she’s really tough and MKR says HOORAY because ratings = skipping into the bank with a full trailer of gullible consumer dollars.

What we say: He’s the so-called ‘angry’ one in the ads but then he’s an Uber driver so who can fucking blame him.

Damo and Caz

What MKR says about them:  That they’re from Tasmania, have ‘two energetic young boys’ and are as yet to wake up to the horror that is their lives.  He’s a ‘sparky’ which is just a cute word for ‘person who lives with the daily fear of electrocution’.  She’s a social worker for young kids, which means she works with kids, lives with kids and somehow hasn’t been institutionalised.

What we say about them:  They’re described as ‘sweethearts’ which is interesting because look how well that worked out for JP and Nelly.  Watch out for Adriano Zumbo, Damo, he may have the personality of a deflated bouncy castle but now that he’s been fitted with home-wrecking Crocs there’s nothing stopping him going in for Round 2.

GROUP TWO:

Albert and Dave

What MKR say about them: Not much other than that they’re brothers, one of them is ‘nerdy’, one of them is a lady killah, and both of them wore their wank fists down to the bone over last year’s Tasia and Gracia.

What we say:  Their mum is some kind of famous cook in China, so if these two don’t win they’ll be seeking asylum in the Ecuadorian Embassy alongside Julian Assange.

Kelsey and Amanda

What MKR says about them: That Kelsey is a banker who still counts on her fingers, Amanda earns a living preying on women’s insecurities, and both of them are about as sharp as the teaspoon Farmer Mac left in his tool shed.  Ugh they’re also the ‘busy mums’ which means there’ll be tears, Skinny Pete showing faux-concern and so many clips of children you’d think it was an advertisement for the Catholic Church.

What we say: The ‘doing it for our families’ thing bores the tits off us, so we’ll pay hard claret for anyone who can get them knocked out in Round One.

Court and Duncan

What MKR says about them: Yet another happily married couple unknowingly cruising under the lustful eye of Adriano Zumbo.  Once a vegan, Court switched to meat when her dog, Ted, kept regurgitating asparagus risotto.  Always a meat-man, Duncan reckons Court hated him until he ‘put a ring on it’ – which was essentially a choker chain that prevented her from screaming the word ‘NO!’.

What we say:  Ted is their only child so The Dog should get something pretty to look at this season.  Court loves Maggie Beer despite her propensity to charge $16 for a 500ml stump of ice cream.

Josh and Amy

What MKR says about them:  Marrieds with a seafood fetish that they’re not afraid to sneak into the bedroom.  Josh was going to keep his trap shut about his mad fish skillz but one sip of Instant Restaurant mocktail and he’s anybody’s.

What we say:  Also choosing a canine over a child, The Dog is now so excited he’s retreated into his bedroom with a stack of Dogs Life magazines.

Della and Tully

What MKR says about them:  That Della likes Jamie Oliver’s lisp – but then she’s from Brisbane so that explains it.  Tully grew up eating the cuts of meat the butcher found stuck to his sneakers at the end of a long day and can’t wait to share the pain with her fellow contestants.

What we say: They want to take something simple and make it great – which means there’s hope for Manu yet.

Alyse and Matt

What MKR say about them: Recently married and surrounded by animals which might keep Zumbo at a distance for a maximum of six months.  They enjoy poncing up for the races, and are quite comfortable being told they’re about as fashion forward as a corduroy skort on a backwards chairlift.

What we say:  Alyse says she likes nothing better than stopping girls in the shopping centre and telling them to set fire to their stylists. Matt says Alyse is ‘very cutthroat’, so we’re looking forward to heading down to the baseball diamond for the all-in-black, old fashioned knife fight between her and Betty.

GROUP THREE:

Mark and Chris

What MKR says about them:  Another pair of footy-loving blokes who allegedly don’t fuck each other.  Mark has a wife and two kids.  Chris dated Bianca for 11 years before marrying her, because why buy the cow before it’s learned how to get the skid-marks out of your under garments.

What we say:  The least looking Italians since Cadaver-looking Andre from 2015.  If they bring up their Nonna’s more than 10 times, Rico has promised to anoint the television in his own feces.

Caitie and Demi

What MKR says about them:  They’re only 22, they’re young and they met in Year 7 which will help Manu to picture them in school uniform.  They love doing ‘fusion food’ which means bunging some cous cous down with a spag bol.  They also think the other teams will underestimate them because they have a cunning plan that involves cooking like rubbish and getting booted in the first round.

What we say:  If Caitie’s full name isn’t Caitlyn, her parents need to have a fucking word with themselves.

Lama and Sarah

What MKR says about them:  They’re Australia’s first Lebanese team but for the love of  CHRIST do not put them on a billboard holding the Australian flag.  Apparently they do a lot of laughing and screaming, which is coincidentally what happens when Skinny Pete shows people his new cook book.

What we say:  They want to prove that Lebanese food is more than just the 2am drank kebab and something people can enjoy for breakfast without being spat on and called un-Australian.

Mell and Cyn

What MKR says about them:  They’re Business Women which basically means Cyn invented the Post-It and Mell had the fabulous idea to make it yellow (see:  Romy; Michelle). As for signature dishes, Cyn doesn’t have one, but she does have a special place in her heart for meatballs thanks to her husband’s cholesterol issues and majority shares in their jointly-owned law firm.

What we say: They describe their entertaining style as ‘high class’ which means a sad lack of half-bras, tiny portions and an Instant Restaurant name that will have Manu dislodging his dentures.

Brett and Marie

What MKR says about them: Another married couple who survived an ocean of separation and offspring from other loins before Brett finally managed to superglue Marie’s trailer to his ute.  Their dream is to open up a small tapas restaurant where the atmosphere is warm because most tables are stationed adjacent to the restrooms.

What we say: Brett helps people with disabilities find jobs, so if Curtis Stone really IS the secret judge he’ll have a good employment contact once his contract is terminated.

Valerie and Courtney

What MKR says about them: The mother and daughter team with the ancestral recipe book so old they probably still cook with asbestos.  Courtney is the eldest child and works in media, while Valerie works in real estate and carries raw chillies in her handbag to rub into the eyes of uncooperative tenants.

What we say:  They both claim Anglo-Indian roots and which is inspiring considering Valerie is 61 and Tinder wouldn’t touch her with a barge pole.

Until the end of the fucking tennis, lovers!

xo Flawless

 

 

 

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