Lovers, welcome to Horror Central. It’s not a pretty place so if you’ve come here looking for well wishes and pleasantries, best pick up your skirts and flee for your polite lives. If you’re a first timer, Horror Central is the place where worst fears become sentient beings; where bells are rung with the Gong of LIES and where the World realises that the Power of Grayskull is NOTHING compared to the Power of Cold Dead Tongue.
Is there a bright side, lovers? Can we find solace in anything other than the deep, dark bottom of our claret buckets? Do we find any pleasure in the fact that George looked more than a little like a Fisher and Paykel in her Final Rose Dress?
Maybe. Maybe Matty will too. One day. When the Winds of Betrayal grow quiet. When the wound finally forms a scab. But until then we must but dab away at the oozing pustule and accept that it has formed on our bodies for a reason.
For if we don’t, we shall surely go mad.
Anyhoo here’s a close-up of Osher only not really because he’s filtered within an inch of his pore-clotted Maybelline. He wants us to know that Singapore is no Pauline Hansen paradise, and it’s in this bucket of exotic cliches that our George wants to sign away her rooting rights for at least the next six months.
‘Get set’ he says with a smile and boy does that fucker know what he’s on about.
Moving on though because here’s George feeling on top of the world because NOTHING feels better than taking a beating heart and crushing it into unrecognisable bloody pulp. According to George, Lee is the one she has the chemistry with and who makes her laugh when he’s dragging around a hapless donkey. Matty on the other hand is the one who left her bits frozen on the first night, but since then he’s been so passionate and loving she can’t possibly imagine not yanking him to the final two and ripping his soul out via his anus.
But here’s a peacock and a close-up of some spiders which turn out to be Georgia’s eyelashes. She’s waiting for Dr Cock and sister Katie who have come equipped to meet the prospective in laws with all the warmth and welcome of a long forgotten Antarctic grave.
‘All the guys have been so incredible’ George gushes when everyone’s seated, because somewhere between now and, say, Carlos, someone has delivered a blunt force trauma to her cranium.
According to Dr Cock, he’d like George to end up in something similar to his own long term marriage. According to sister Katie, George has saddled them with a string of losers for too fucking long and today is finally her day to sing like a bird.
First cab off the rank is Matty and he’s legit so handsome Rico can’t blink for the next three minutes. After the first introductions things go downhill when Matty panics and admits that he was born in South Australia. In the horrified silence that follows he rambles that he spent a few years in London before his sister got preggers and that he really wants to make eye contact and look sincere but he’s terrified he’ll turn to stone.
In goes Dr Cock for the one-on-one where he bangs the sick-mother-in-Melbourne drum so hard poor Matty’s ears start seeping blood.
‘Well, my sister would find it hard’ Matty mutters, before promising to look for a job so that Dr Cock won’t have to start sharpening his instruments.
To the cameras, Dr Cock says Matty’s anus is doing the talking with regard to moving to Melbourne and he’s not sure if he’s seeing ‘the real man’ or the terrified one who’s gotten himself into a one-on-one with a man who could do a surprise reno on his penis.
Lee’s turn and he’s worried about tripping over his enormous tongue rather than the stench emanating from those same fucking loafers. For today’s interrogation, sister Katie has gone the red lipstick and a fang whitening that would make Anna Heinrich proud. In her one-on-one with Lee she delivers one glorious unimpressed face after another and Rico mutters that she’s a flawless bitch and if he hadn’t already ordered the T-Shirt he’d totally change it to #teamkatie.
‘She’s so ambitious, driven and intelligent’ gushes Lee, head banging like a dashboard dog and clearly missing the Quit My Job For Love track Georgia’s been laying down since Night One.
Anyhoo back to the fam for a verdict we go where George learns that Dr Cock is hard for Lee’s postcode, while sister is keen on withholding her opinion until George’s forehead vein geysers O-Negative. Finally, finally she admits that Lee comes across smoother than Michael Turnbull at a Home Open and George whines to the cameras that she has no idea how she’s going to make make this decision – but that she’s leaning towards killing her sister first.
Next day dawns and Matty is the first for his Last Chance Date which features George sans bra in peep-toe booties. Off to something called The Bell of Happiness they go where she explains the tradition that, when two people ring the bell, the world gets everlasting peace and harmony and one man realises he’s got the fucking dunce date.
To the cameras she gushes that being around Matty fills her with joy because when she looks into his eyes she sees a man who is standing on a train track with no idea the 5.20 express from Melbourne is hurtling around the nearest bend. Anyhoo they ring the fucking bell but that’s not enough humiliation for Matty because they also have to write a message on a little bell that gets to join thousands of other little bells left by people who were actually in love before them.
‘Shall we write to eternal happiness and great relationships?’ Matty wonders?
‘Oh yes!’ agrees George. ‘Now make sure you spell Lee L-E-E.’
Kiss time and it’s firmly closed lips and no tongue and when Matty asks where to next Rico can’t stop himself from snapping ‘straight to Hell, you poor sad c*nt.’
Moving on though because next up is an activity which will result in as little physical contact as humanly possible: zip lining.
That’s followed by Nikki’s monkey forest, only the monkeys have a prior engagement ripping off the skin of different tourists so Matty and George have to make do with some butterflies.
‘The more I get to know him the more I fall for him’ she squeals and WE KNOW YOU’RE LYING, GEORGIA. That’s the thing about hindsight. We have it now. We’re writing this recap with it firmly tucked under the crook of each arm. You’re not falling for him. You’re going through the fucking motions. Now for the love of fuck, STOP.
Ugh, sorry, we’ll try and get ourselves together. Right, where were we: oh yes some talk about the instant attraction she had with Lee vs. the instant repulsion she had with Matty and how now they’re in Singapore because there’s always one poor sap who gets dragged with a bag over his head out of the country – right Nikki? Oh yes and he tells her just how devo he’d be if he was The Nikki, that he can’t explain how much he misses her when she’s not around, and to which she replies that she misses him too which is so much LIES I just really really want to do a dump and leave it in her make-up bag.
Anyhoo because he has not a clue in the sweet world, he kisses her. And I mean REALLY kisses her. Lee, when you’re watching this back, take note. Take lots of notes. Take screenshots even because this is how you kiss. What you do is something allegedly related to kissing but in reality is so repellent that we never want to mention it again.
Only we fucking have to because here comes your date.
Right here he is and here she is wearing hideous fringed shoes and we’re sick of the pair of them already.
‘Singapore is diverse and multicultural’ she says, which means they’re going to spend the whole day doing dumb tourist crap that would thrill the pants off a busload of grannies. First is the Trishaw which is just a Rickshaw where Lee is a captive audience to such snippets of wit such as ‘five million people live here’ and ‘look at that temple’.
Then it’s down the ramp to something called a Bum Boat and which is fitting because the stench of crap is ripe tonight, lovers.
When they’re settled, Lee offers a particularly oily toast and throws out his own lies about how great her sister was. She owns up about the ‘smooth’ thing which he says is hard to hear but, as he totally wants to spend his life with George, he hopes her sis can eventually get off her high horse and mount something smaller like Chelsea the donkey.
After a bit of a light show that is sadly lacking David Guetta, they move on to the third location which is an infinity pool and another opportunity for Georgia to demonstrate her diabolical taste in swimwear. In they go and this is where it gets weird because we’ve seen plenty of people screeching that their Gaydar is on FIYAH whenever Lee sashays into a room but, honestly, until now we’ve yet to bear witness.
No longer, lovers. No. Longer. Were we blinded by the twirling Disneyette that was Cam? Did we just want a Mechanical Plumber without all the obvious dildo jokes? Have Lee and his secret handlebar moustache and chaps been hiding in plain sight all along?
Oh who the fuck knows, what we DO know is that he drops the L-Word and there’s a pash with barely any tongue. Oh no wait, we spoke too soon. There it is and, once again, it looms from his throat and its shadow blocks out the fucking sun.
Right, morning after time and like every other Bach and Bachette before her, George needs a yoga mat and some windowsill leaning to make a fucking decision. Cut to the boys getting dressed and Matty’s rig is first and it’s hawt and he loves her. Then it’s Lee’s rig which is less hawt and gets sprayed with cologne that should probably have been saved for his feet.
Over to George who has her Oral B toothbrush, gnarly toes and fridge dress at the ready. She’s also wearing the thickest eyeliner of the season and a shade of lipstick that, for once, doesn’t make her look like a freshly exhumed Brumby’s employee.
Here’s Osh to press her to his waiting bosom and comment that it’s been a pleasure to be by her side feeding her script notes from the producers.
‘But this is as far as I can go’ he says, presumably because he ate from a street vendor and now has to keep within ten paces of the nearest toilet.
Off she goes in her car to yet another infinity pool and, lovers, if this is the one she and Lee face-smashed in last night, well, that’s just an extra slap to sweet Matty’s dignity.
Speaking of Matty, he’s in his own car feeling like he could fill up the seat pockets and half the glove box with chunks. Lee is also in a car waffling about how when he looks at George he ‘sees his best friend’ and which is mind-bendingly delusional because FOUR DATES, DIPSHIT. FOUR DATES!
But here’s the moment, kids. And it’s…and it’s… Yep it’s Matty.
While he walks up the aisle the sad cello music that only we can hear plays and Rico reminds the Dog that this was the man who said it would KILL HIM not to end up with her in the end. C*ntily, played George. Oh so c*ntily played.
Anyhoo it’s clear the minute he steps up to the plate that her love face has vanished along with her waist.
‘The only thing I wanted was to fall in love…you have been unlike any other relationship…I adore your company…’
‘GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT’ Rico screams through a spray of claret, because FFS there’s peeling the band-aid off and then there’s picking at it with micro-tweezers.
‘And I have fallen in love’ she says, holding the moment, holding his balls.
‘WITH SOMEONE ELSE.’
Oh lovers, the way he rubs his eyes, the way he physically leans forward like he IS going to vom – and for a minute we so badly wished he would just so carrots could splash on her dress and her shoes and in that stupid fucking pool.
‘I’ve devastated’ he finally manages to say, but as we know in Bach town that’s never enough and before he gets to take the sprint of shame into the bushes, the muzzle is pressed into his back, the cue cards are pressed into his palm and he has to say some rubbish about how wonderful she is.
Let’s be frank for a moment, shall we lovers? George is not wonderful. She’s a Rimmel ad without the tooth gap who could have taken Jake the Rips to F2 but didn’t because suffering clearly greases her news lady wheels.
Or at least that’s our grumpy feeling tonight. We may alter this opinion tomorrow. Hangovers and shame can do that. Sometimes.
Anyhoo, finally he gets to leave and in the limo he says that he wishes he didn’t love her. That he wishes he had a switch to just flick it all off. Oh Matty, we wish we had a switch too. A big red one to make the next ten minutes go BOOM.
Since we don’t, though, let’s just try and make this as painless as possible using the soothing detachment that is dot points:
- Lee arrives and gets the happy piano music
- Rico tells Sofitel Resort to fuck off already with all the signage
- Lee tells her she looks stunning; she tells him to breathe and then regrets it because Nerves Breath
- She says she always wanted something to Complete Her (such as a one way ticket out of Tasmania)
- She says not many guys turn up with a donkey when they’re not trying to rush a Fraternity
- The Dog wonders when backwards cap hair became a thing
- She says she’s fallen madly in love
- They kiss and there’s a glorious power outage to tongue-cam
- Her lipstick is gone
- Her lipstick miraculously reappears
- Credits roll
Well that’s it, lovers. Time for a chemical shower and a good six months in quarantine before ANY of us are fit for public consumption.
Will George and Lee last? Will they go on to be besties with Rich and Alex? Will Matty be the next Bach? Will he hook up with Nikki? Will the Dog ever emerge from the garage? All these questions and more will no doubt be answered over the coming weeks and we hope we’ll be drunk enough to deliver them.
Until next time, lovers. As always it’s been a mix of pleasure and pain with a lingering sense of violation.