It’s evening at Cockblock Headquarters, and Channel 10’s Logie award-winning musical score signifies that the collective mood is dire. It’s mass shell-shock after King George the Eighth’s mass public execution of the four irrelevant doodles yesterday, and the remaining flaccid wangs are attempting Prep arithmetic, trying to work out who is going to the gallows next.
Serial Killer Jake tells Cam he secretly hates him, and Cam moves away from the the knife drawer because he hasn’t yet used up all his brain cells at the gym. Matty jokes that Jake is going home next, and before Jake can rip his face off and add it to his under-mattress collection, in comes Osh dressed like Marty McFly.
Out comes the date card from his Flux Capacitor and then it’s back to the Delorean to be reunited with the only human ever allowed to run his fingers through his concrete Lego hair: James Mathison.
Moving on and the date card reads “Step Back in Time With Me” and which Jake the Ripper assumes is museums and which Matty assumes is running upstairs on the pretense of potty and trying on all his sister’s church dresses.
And the winner of the date is… Matty! which has all the bros high fiving because his arms are the shortest and that makes feeling up their girlfriend much harder.
But here’s King Jorge stepping out of a 1950’s MG convertible wearing clashing polka dots, stripes and the heels that were last seen on Rose Porteous’ first date with Lang Hancock. In jumps over-excited Matty and it’s soon obvious that this date is Rich White Privilege: The Sequel and which will no doubt feature Gwyneth Paltrow in an overpaid cameo.
First stop is a ship docked in Sydney Harbour where someone has scrubbed off “Titanic” and replaced it with “See Dick” with a drawing of cock n’ balls. Australia’s own Charles and Camilla sit twattishly drinking their whiskey sours before being interrupted by an out of tune guitar and the sudden terror midget Intruder Todd has stowed away in the car boot.
And, yes, it’s their worst fears realised because BEHOLD! here’s a tiny man and a much taller woman dressed as a green highlighter and, as if live music wasn’t a bad enough, Matty and George are now expected to move their limbs to the beat.
Because both instructors are dirty rangas, talk turns to venereal diseases and Karma Sutra and anything else that would make the elderly pee through their adult diapers. After changing into a red harlot dress and applying Eu De Michael Buble on her boobs, George descends the staircase on one leg because the one she lopped off in the changeroom can’t boogie worth shit.
Matty is also a disaster, but when the music changes to something echoey and sinister, they kiss because one legged women are said to put out like no other.
Later, Matty purrs something about easing out the champagne cork “gently but firmly”, and George gets tingles right in her Ginger Rogers. Matt says thanks for the date and is about to leave only his Brovaries start swelling and that means opening up Pandora’s Box of Cliches and digging down until he hits solid timber. George, of course, is so thrilled her chin starts quivering and before you know it there’s not an unused tongue left in the house – especially not the one that handed him a rose.
GANGBANG DATE TIME! and there’s four popped collars and Lee dressed like he’s about to yank Kosher’s Delorean back to the set of Miami Vice. Osh raises one Dr Evil eyebrow and says today they’re going to find out if “Georgia Love is blind”.
Sick fuck Jake naturally assumes today is the day they get to bind and gag her and take her on a road trip to Wolf Creek. Sadly he’s wrong because here’s Osh talking about always being the ugly one – even when he had blonde tips and his hairy tanned tits out on the set of Australia Idol. Whatevs though because today is about testing whether George really is as superficial as a 14 year old at Supre, and, yes, that means something called ‘sensory stimuli’.
Into this fray of potential R-rated mayhem walk five lovely, toothless old men, with totally obsolete names like Alistair, Bob, and Clancy. There’s more Viagra pumping through their veins than blood and their task for the day is to convey Bachelor messages without spitting their dentures in the communal bucket. Unfortunately they’re way too senile to play properly (esp toothless Rusty, who misquotes Cam and says “Hastang Horty”) but they still manage to charm the huge beige knickers off George who’s always fancied waking up from a drunk bender with a naked codger in the spoon position.
First to be eliminated is Bathrobe Clarence for being yawnier than a six week old baby after both tits. The next test is about love letters and when Kosher asks when she last received a love letter she lies through her teeth because Rhys is DEAD to her. Or at least he will be when she gets back to the house and finally finds her lighter.
Moving on though because there’s panic among the blokes with Cam confessing he’s illiterate and Jake admitting to a fair few ‘notes’ but usually the ransom ones.
But here’s a plot twist! According to the Osh, each Bach has to read another Bach’s letter and suck lumpy shite to whoever gets pre-school reading aged Cameron’s.
First up is Courtney who gets Jake’s and which is so good that for a moment Australia forgets that Courtney is a feelingless robot. Next is Cam with Lee’s and which, naturally, is all about enormous coiled tongue. Then it’s Courtney’s poem and, wanting to shag him to the bone or not, even Jorge has to admit it’s STANK and out of the round goes our fearless pirate leader.
For the next test, Osh tells them they must seduce through the medium of “Daunce” while George is blindfolded with the silk G he may or may not have rubbed deep into his ass crack earlier. First dancing doodle is Lee, who presses his chiselled jawline right up against her cheek and, miracle of miracles, manages to keep his mountainous tongue contained somewhere down in his own throat.
Next is Cam, whose huge stomping feet obvs give him away, followed by Jake the Ripper who sneaks up behind Georgia, sniffs her hair, whispers something about disembowelment and then gets so handsy you’d think he was an orangey billionaire in a Miss Teen USA change room.
For some reason she chooses Bigfoot Cam as the ultimate winner and off they go to feed on product placement ice cream and talk about feelings so dull you’d swear they were filched from Richie’s Greatest Hits. In comes the camera for a close-up, though, and which is the cue for the kind of brother-sister kiss George no doubt witnessed all too many times in Tasmania.
COCK PARTY ALERT! In floats Georgia wearing her 800th red dress for the season and my cockles start muttering that the woman is clearly twice as horny as a two-peckered billygoat.
First to get off on a club foot is Clancy, who mishears Georgia’s compliment and will therefore shortly be shot at dawn. Lee figures this is as good a time as any to drag Jorge away to get her absolutely snookered with booze and ask her to spend the next 50 years sinking pints with him. A single SKYSCRAPER SIZED TONGUE flashback later and she’s gone decidedly chilly on the idea, and off she goes with clearly far less intelligent choice, Jake.
By this time, though, George is more shit faced than the man who tripped on the step of his mammy’s outhouse. It’s possible she knows who’s reading it, but judging by her dripping Maybelline the words aren’t getting through and he could be reading the take-out menu at Red Rooster.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME and in walks Kosher giving whole new meaning to the term Double Breasted. He mutters ominously about ‘connections’, which is obviously a jab at the bath-robed Helen Keller and, a few roses later, his vastly unimpressed ginger face is fed to Kosher’s dogs.
Right, after tonight’s effort I’m going a whole bottle of Father O’Reilly’s Velvet Cream and a 40-pack of Longbeach ciggies. Judge away you festering bitches!
xo Bloody Mary