Hot Ruth and The Barber Recap the One Where Courtney Puts Out

12 Oct

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It’s Wednesday night and across the nation, people everywhere are recovering from a long, hard day which hopefully doesn’t involve killing any small children.

The Barber is smoking a cigar after approximately 4 billion hours of trimming hipster hair and I’m reminiscing on the glory days of my teaching career in which I may or may not have made the National Championships of, once again, not killing any small children.
Our resident feline, The Ginger God, is basking in his own splendour, the wine is ready and that means it’s time to lose ourselves in a blur of suits, judgement and poor life choices.

We’re expecting plentiful drama tonight if the ominous music in the promo was anything to go by.  Either that or Osh will finally swat off his sobriety and go on a trouserless lap of the Bach paddock.  Personally we’re hoping for that one.

Still, everyone seems to be more relaxed, no doubt because the concentration of testosterone has decreased and the Intruders turned out to be tiny men who’d have to hop on a stepladder to get George to notice them.

Topics today range from the best ways to wear multiple layers of chunky knit wear, to how badly boxed claret needs a FACE and that Rico’s is naturally available.  But here’s Osh Kosh B-Gosh in his size 6-12 months, and once again he has a date card to gently prise from between pre-lubed cheeks and if anyone out there has a care for hygiene, best not to think about whether Todd washes his hands.

‘Let’s test our Animal Attraction’ reads the card, and when Courtney gets it The Barber quips that it must be first prize in the cardigan raffle – either that or the vest raffle because here he is in one leaving the house.

Anyway, this may also be a good time to alert wardrobe to the notion that chokers may be a ‘thing’ but they are a BAD thing and should die.  Horribly.

On to the date though and George has the kind of sweaty hands that inspire me to put different words to Eminem’s Lose Yourself.

Palms are sweaty, why won’t he kiss her already?
Courtney has his hideous wardrobe ready
Georgia’s nervous, but newsreader voice is calm and steady
So let’s see some cute animals and do some PETTING!

Sorry.

Anyway, they get to the Zoo and I think what the producers are doing is make our spare ovaries explode. Yes, that’s my theory kids: women come equipped with TOP SECRET ANIMAL OVARIES, which go nuts when there are WAY TOO MANY CUTE ANIMALS AND A HOT MAN IN THE SAME PLACE. Courtney isn’t that hot, but meh… passable with a Meercat as your wingman.

Right, after a bit of animal action in which George  confesses she’s horny and Courtney seriously considers handing the Rhino his room key for later, they retreat to a private room with an imprisoned lion someone prepared earlier. Georgia tells us she can see herself falling in love with Courtney and she really, really wants to know how he feels.  He goes in for the pash instead because better to sacrifice your tongue than a promise to your mother.

Either way, the lion goes hungry.

Back with the leftovers and it’s SURPRISE OSHER time.  In goes the camera to Matt, and The Barber and I come to the sudden understanding that he’s the reincarnation of Tin-Tin.  Also that he’s not going to get the date.

Turns out that’s a good thing because it’s one of those threesomes where nobody gets a root and somebody gets the boot.

Again, sorry.

On the menu are Rhys and Sam because of fucking course.  Both seem oddly happy – Sam because this is his chance to get noticed by Home and Away, and Rhys because he has no connection to the Earth as it exists and thus has no idea George fancies him less than a rabid badger.

Trumpets sound as the Battle of the Narcissists commences. Back at the house the guys talk about Sam vs. Rhys and how it will finally be resolved. We can tell how popular these boys are because not only do they get the THIS IS DRAMATIC AND VILLAINOUS music, but nobody throws them so much as a goodbye middle finger.

Off to Luna Park though where Georgia awaits in front of the giant mouth that appears to be the original owner of Lee’s BFG Tongue.  What follows is Sam thinking he’s in heaven, Rhys thinking he can dance and Georgia wondering how much of this crap she has to sit through before she presses eject.

First to get some alone time is Rhys and George can see through his Clark Kent looks to the hideous, dribbling hipster who always smells like overpriced moth balls. 

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Allow me to walk you to the GET THE FUCK OUT ride

Bye Rhys.  We enjoyed your… your…your… Ah forget it.

Speaking of hipsters who actually can be sexy, here’s one back at the mansion doing something dodgy with the suitcases.  But before we can see just which base he’ll make it to, we cut back to Luna Park and George’s one on one with Sam.

According to George,  she’s sniffed out Sam’s plans to get the FUCK out of Australian Dodge ASAP and isn’t keen on being the woman who carries his hand luggage.  To the cameras she says that she is here for Courtney’s Tongue True Love and won’t accept some pale imitation who can’t even surprise her with an eye patch.

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The FUCK is my cutlass?

Bye Sam.  We enjoyed your Rhys impression and the way your lips were so plump we’d probably choose them over a blown up goon skin if we were sleepy down at the park.

Back at the MANsion and the Hipster Suitcase Ninja has returned and if the producers have ever considered a second lot of Intruders THIS IS THE MAN FOR THE JOB.  Sadly he only stays long enough to collect the remaining luggage and hopefully drop a fart that Osher will claim belongs to Georgia.

Cocktail party time and G-Love sails in resplendent in white tastefully decorated with flecks of Sam and Rhys’ blood.  It’s a masquerade party and that means man-bling and Lee looking terrified because his best bits are covered up.

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Todd picks his bejewelled beak

I just need to say that Matty J makes me really happy.  If Hipster Suitcase Ninja declines, I’ll take Matty as a close and hopefully less picky second.  Anyway he’s got a game for George and she’s keen because she’s had a taste of Courtney’s tonsils and is finally more relaxed.

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My Husband

Rose Ceremony and it’s a sad day for Tin-Tin and the last midget who failed to alarm any of the perimeter Dobermans last week.  It’s a shame really because Matt was the only man in a sea of oily boys to have chest hair.  It’s a shame about Todd too because, no not really, that man arrived with a guitar and DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU IN THE SCROTUM!

Also I’d just like to point out that in last season’s Bachette the one in black would often be the one sent home.  Tonight both Blue Velvet Suits got the chop and what does this all mean?  Is the truth out there?   A better stylist?

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Velvet

Until next week!

xx Hot Ruth and The Barber

 

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