Bachette Episode 5: The One With the Midget Break-In

5 Oct

Evening, lovers!  Is everyone ready to feel  violated?

IT’S INTRUDER NIGHT!

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Oh what a week it’s been.  As those of you with more than a nugget of short term memory should recall, we’re off on an International Mission of Great Diplomatic Importance (read:  UK pub crawl), so tonight’s home invasion will be our last blog for two whole weeks!  Luckily for you lot we’ve found some pungent enough feet to slip into our shoes, and so although we’ll be missing, presumed drunker than usual, your ‘caps will still pop up in your feed and hopefully stop you going to certain other bloggers who Rico and the Dog refuse to name.

Loyalty, lovers.  It’s a thing.  Be a thing.

Anyhoo let’s get on with it and party like it’s 1999 and raining Sub Zero and crack pipes.  Here’s Osher with a date card and thankfully enough fingers to count the remaining bachelors.

‘This could be  your chance for a meaningful connection with Georgia’ he says, and Courtney reckons it will be Lil’ Heath because Lil’ Heath is a ‘dark horse’ and Georgia sure seemed to froth over that donkey.

He’s wrong though because it goes to Clancy who is less of a dark horse than vaguely ginger greyhound.  Into a limo he goes where George announces this is the New York Date in which Sydney is transformed into the Big Apple by lacing everyone’s cocktails with mushrooms.

According to George, Clancy is the one who has surprised her the most by not being completely hideous under his beard.  According to Clancy, he hopes today will be more intimate than the night he jumped in a pool and let her go the sneaky grope under his bathrobe.

Anyhoo, first stop on the tour of clearly-nothing-like-New York is breaking into a tiny flat where two people are caught pretending they’re on X Factor.  To Clancy’s horror, the couple allow them to stay for two songs, though they draw the line at giving them a cheese platter.

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My husband needs money for socks

Next is Blake Garvey’s old ice rink and Georgia’s dreams of gliding around the ice hand-in-hand are shattered by the paralytic chicken on skates who appears to have replaced Clancy.

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‘BUCKAAWWWWW!’ Clancy shrieks in his own defense and Rico mutters if those plastic support Penguins could speak they wouldn’t because they’d too be laughing.

Anyhoo, after many minutes of flailing and jerking and Georgia choking on feathers, Clancy admits that there was a moment where they COULD have kissed, but his legs probably would have given way leaving his skull to smash her in the face.

 

On to the last part of the date which isn’t just a couch and cheese, but a couch and cheese and half a Snickers bar one of the crew were saving for later.  After a bit of yapping about fun in dates, talk turns to priorities and how George is now so focused on love she’s a fucking danger behind the wheel of a car.

‘Being alone is great, but you want someone you can do things with’ says horny Clancy who is always scratching for a root.

‘It’s more meaningful than doing it by yourself’ he continues, writing our blog for us, and Rico mutters that that if any more genius rolls off his tongue we might have to consider giving him a house key.

Anyhoo it’s pash time and although there’s no three-inch slice of mouth beef barolo (apologies Lee), Clancy’s dirty drumsticks lie strangely still and when Georgia tells him his kissing is better than his skating, well, we hope she isn’t lying.

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Contained

Moving on though because here’s the sunrise and with it some pelmets, an inflatable castle and Courtney who has a CUNNING PLAN.

According to the ex-pirate, now that Tommy has gone off to woo the singletons of Australia, his new mission in life is to fix Georgie up with Lil’ Heath and, in doing so, continue the flawless reign of anti-bach subversive GENIUS he commenced just last week.

‘Time with Princess Georgia is worth dying for’ crows Osher, and who has reason to be so chipper considering the one-storey intruders who will shortly be appearing on the menu.

Back to the battle though and when Courtney throws his chances in favour of Lil’ Heath, Georgia is FURIOUS because the long tunnel with Courtney’s tongue at the end of it just got even longer.

It’s all to no avail, though, because Rhys wins the final duel and Courtney’s dreams of forcing Georgia to form complex sounds with someone who probably couldn’t even grow a neck beard are sadly dashed.

Rhys, of course, is happy, because this is his chance to bicker over time allotments and confess to Georgia that poetry helps because where else can he vent that she’s a colder than a Siberian Head Mistress.

‘I’m very busy and important at cocktail parties, you know’ Georgia replies, before adding to the cameras that she can’t always divide her time because that would require a basic understanding of maths.

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Me divided by ten is DRANK

Anyhoo, seeing that he’s getting nowhere, Rhys changes tack to the ‘mature men’ vs. the ‘boys’ – only he won’t name names because that would mean a set of testicles he doesn’t possess.  This pisses off George even more and to the cameras she says that she wants to get to the bottom of the guys – and not just because pissed men are always dropping their wallets.

Cocktail party time and here’s Georgia in a befeathered black rah-rah frock that deserves no introduction because that would mean letting it through the door.

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Best to pretend no one’s home

Oh but what’s this?  Because here’s Osh with his Serious Face and his Serious Hand that takes Georgia up the stairs to break the news of an imminent security breach.

Back with the boys and while Matty just hates queue jumpers, Jake reckons you could cut the tension with a knife and then use the same knife to cut the throats or something.

Hooray!

But let’s meet Intruder Number 1, shall we?  Lovers, meet Matteo:

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fark

Hailing from Italy, Matteo is relatively miniscule but hotter than a North Indian Vindaloo passing through Sphincter Station.  Unfortunately for Matteo, his English is not great.  But then neither is Georgia’s eyeliner so we reckon that’s about square.

Meanwhile, down below, Lee spots another Intruder, and when Lil’ Heath announces he’s holding a guitar, Cam nearly faints into his Peach Melba.

Intruder Number 2 is Todd, a Queenslander recently moved to Melbourne who one day hopes to strut his relatively tiny stuff on Broadway.

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Osh removes his heels for the occasion

‘A guy writing a song for me is just the most romantic thing I can think of’ Georgia squeals, and Rico reckons if Courtney didn’t hear her it’s because her voice didn’t quite reach 180 decibels.

Anyhoo, time for the explorers to integrate with the natives by burning their lands and rooting their women.  Or at least trying to.

Matteo appears first and while Courtney pretends he’s the waiter, Matty calls him the Italian Stallion because ‘petite land mammal’ doesn’t rhyme nearly as well.  He’s followed by Todd and who gets called Ed Sheeran because you don’t have to be a ginger to be a fancy man carrying an unwanted musical instrument into parties.

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Taking of advantage of the new arrivals is Georgia, who grabs Courtney for a good ten minutes of brisk, unlubricated pounding.

Oh lovers, this is difficult for us because at this point Georgia has to know he’s not that into her, because first Tommy, next Lil’ Heath and who’s next, the Uber driver who was late dropping off Todd?

‘You made me feel like shit’ she says, and Rico reckons she needs to STAY WITH THE FEELINGS because if there’s one thing this show is really lacking it’s vengeful hate-sex.

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I will shag you until we both bleed, bitch

Anyhoo, of course he lies through the puckered, brown hole Cam would adore to know better, and though she walks away saying ‘I don’t know’, the chances of him not getting a rose are up there with Rico not pouring another bucket of boxed claret.

Speaking of roses, it’s time to hand some out and after the usual procession of Lee, Matt and Matty, Todd gets called and, with him, any chance that someone can just press play on their fucking iPod.

A few more names later and it’s down to Matteo and Court.  Matteo because he had to get help filling in his Visa; Court because he’s attracted to his chances anywhere other than Georgia’s pants.

To cut a long, utterly unsuspenseful story short, though, of COURSE Courtney gets it because as hot as Matteo is, Georgia’s dripping vagsicles know but a single tune – and, no, it’s not the one recently crooned by the Toddster.

Bye Matteo – you were pretty and we like pretty things.  In fact we suspect you’re pretty in other places so don’t be shy about sending us pictures.

Ok, lovers, that’s us for TWO WHOLE WEEKS!  Be kind to Bloody Mary who starts tomorrow and try not to fall too hard for Hot Ruth and her Barber bestie.

xo Flawless

 

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