And the Bachelorette Guest Blogger Winner is…

4 Oct

A tie!

Oh lovers, thank you from the bottom of our scaly, black hearts to all of you who submitted entries to our humble comp.  The decision was not easy and the hours of reading hilarious things not written by The Dog left scars – we won’t lie – but at the end of it all, two creatures rose from the putrid refuse and declared themselves WORTHY.

And so, without further ado, allow us to introduce the mouths from which great filth and great wit (not necessarily in that order) shall soon erupt:

Bloody Mary

bloody-mary

Fresh from punching the teeth out of grannies at train stations in Central Victoria, Bloody Mary’s was the first application to hit our inbox that had Rico spitting claret all over his breakfast nachos.  A cat lover in the allegedly platonic sense, Mary’s pastimes include spot-cleaning her guts with tequila, reading Flawlessvision and helping local children set cars on fire.  A big fan of surprise sex between men on television shows, Mary boycotted the Lost TV show finale when it became clear Jack and Sawyer weren’t going to happen.  Since then she’s turned to the sticky embrace of Reality TV and hopes to bring as much joy to FV readers as to her favourite niece who likes playing in the cat litter.

Hot Ruth and The Barber

duchess-v-and-the-barber

Just like Rico and I, Hot Ruth and The Barber are a dynamic duo who would rather copulate with radioactive waste than each other.  Like any ex-teacher with untold years of illiterate students on her conscience, Hot Ruth likes her drinks to come in glass bottles that fetch a pretty penny at recycling and has no problem playing smash ‘n grab to get them.   A slightly more law-abiding citizen, The Barber toils at a local salon and dreams of one day wielding the shears on someone who doesn’t demand the pensioner discount.  Brought together one fateful night in lockup, Hot Ruth’s favourite childhood memory is standing upright on a surfboard and peeing on a pod of dolphins.  The Barber’s, on the other hand, is the time he cut the crotch out of all his mother’s hot pants after she refused to let him watch Showgirls.

Don’t you just love them already?  FYI Bloody Mares will be covering Thursdays starting THIS week, while Hot Ruth and The Barbs will do the two Wednesdays starting the following.

Thanks once again to everyone else who put in the time to send us words.  If we could, we would have picked you all!

xo Flawless

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2 Responses to “And the Bachelorette Guest Blogger Winner is…”

  1. billybushwood October 6, 2016 at 12:30 am #

    This was my prom date !!! Do you have her cell number?

    • Flawless October 6, 2016 at 12:32 am #

      I believe she just uses her 1800 number now xo

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