Bachelorette Ep 4: The One Where Courtney is an Evil, Awesome Genius

30 Sep

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Evening lovers.  This ‘cap is going to be a short one because Rico kept waking me up screaming and insisting there was a tongue in his bed.

To be honest it’s been a bit of a double dud as far as pashes go because although Lee won the race with his Tidal Tongue Wave that crashed into Georgia’s tonsils and then just lay there, Jake the Ripper’s lip work was also on the odd side and will Courtney be the one to bring our heads out from between our thighs?

Rico reckons the only way he’ll risk another lip lock is if it’s coming from Tommy because if Georgie thinks we’re just going to sit here watching her exchange fluids with all the typical pretties, well, I guess she’s heard of us after all.

Anyhoo it’s a brand new day and there’s a busted up van in the driveway that clearly doubles as a portable meth lab.  Out come the other boys to climb all over the seats and mark anything Courtney might lay a paw on and Lee wonders if the plan is to have the van conk out on a deserted stretch of highway because – oh, hang on, that would be Jake.

Here’s comes George with no idea that the sponsored cosmetics she just slathered all over herself will shortly be riding the express train to the bottom of a body of grotty grey water.

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Maybe she’s born with it.  Maybe it’s on the sea bed.

According to Court, he loves camping and road trips and that’s why he’ll be spending the day wishing he was with Richie.

Off they go and she gushes AGAIN about how she was worried his refusal to take her on a date might have gotten him yanked out the back and shot by a guard on a search tower.  He replies that she makes him nervous, that he wants to make a good impression and that there’s no sharks in the river because he and his family have been mistaking them for dolphins since before he could walk.

After a bit more driving and yapping they arrive at a bunch of boats and the grubby expanse of river we were promised earlier, and though Georgia’s mouth says words like ‘exciting’ and ‘butterflies’ her eyes are screaming Camilla and Chardonnay.

The activity is something Courtney calls ‘skurfing’ and which is trying to stand on a board while a drunk captain steers the boat with the one foot not holding a VB.  According to Court, he likes girls best when they’re wild with panic and only keeping a lid on it to please a man.  According to George, she’s learning new things about Court every second, such as how his legs look like Cara Delevingne’s in a wet suit and that he may or may not have a bald patch.

Back at the ALLMANSION and Matty’s superior ass powers have lead him to the Group Date card under the couch cushions.  Because these are Courtney’s picks, Fireman Cam thinks he’ll have totally chosen the guys with less sexual charisma than a public toilet.   Only he’s totally wrong because Tommy makes the list and that man can clearly get nipples hard at a million paces.

Back on the water and Court is still rattling on about comfort zones and how Georgia’s bowels will be out of control in 3…2…1.  Onto the board she goes, though, and while he barks things like ‘get on your stomach’ and ‘scream louder, I’m almost there’, she slams in and out of the water and Rico can’t help but say a prayer for her Botox..

When she’s finally allowed out of the drink, Courtney is proud that she ‘tried something new’ and, because of that, rather than a glamorous dress in a box and a night of wining and dining, it’s a couch on a freezing porch with yet another wedge of Coon Tasty.

‘This is where I used to drink coffee with my parents’ Court explains, while Georgia scans the table for something she can bite the cork out of.  Only wait, the treasure chest from George and Lee’s date has somehow made it into the room and Rico and the Dog are on the edge of their seats because MORE cheese?

To Rico’s intense disappointment it’s just a trunk of pirate wear that Courtney wants them both to dress in – presumably because he has the heart of a child and the mind of the man who rides through malls on a tricycle screeching about Jesus.

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REPENT OR SUFFER IN THE BOWELS OF HELL

According to Courtney, once, long ago he was possessed of a girlfriend only they ‘grew apart’ because she started saying ‘go feck off for yourself’ when he’d poke her at dawn with a wetsuit.  George of course wants to know ‘how long’ and when he replies ‘five years’ she’s totally disappointed because penis.

What follows is Courtney flipping the subject over to journalism, whipping out a notepad and snapping every time she speaks too fast for him to copy it all down.

‘T-A-S-M-A-N-I-A’ he spells.  ‘Ok, now run me through the wardrobe allowance.’

Finally, after about eight hours of the wrong kind of relentless pumping, Georgia manages to knock his notepad out of his hands with a midget rose and flash him with her KISS ME NOW high beams.  Only rather than being thrown to the deck and jolly rogered, there’s a cheek peck and a hug and Rico mutters that either Courtney just ain’t that in to her or he really didn’t spend the last five years shagging anything that couldn’t run faster than his Camaro.

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Close shave

Group date time and here’s Osher in his Twilight peacoat and potentially balding Courtney wearing a beanie.  In comes Tommy and his entourage  and who quickly learn that this will be a test of MAN SKILLZ and which is terrifying for Jake and Clancy because office buildings have meeting rooms, not MacGuyver ones.

Anyhoo, they all have to make their own billy carts using ‘junk’, only said ‘junk’ is actually colour-coordinated cart parts and bang goes the opportunity for surprise Tetanus.

With the carts built it’s on to the race with Court and G-Love against Jake and Clancy, Cameron and Lil’ Heath, and Clancy and Tommy the Trouser Gun.

Round and round the barn they go and when Tommy and Clancy win, Australia cheers.  Then when Courtney chooses Tommy for the one-on-one time with George, Australia cheers so loud it goes hoarse and ends up barking.

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What Grand Final?

‘Why didn’t he choose himself?’ wonders Georgia, who has been frothing at the gash for a second run at Pirates Eating Cheese.  It’s not to be, though – well apart from the cheese – because Tommy used to be in the military and they’re about as keen on Pirate Day as admitting they like to shag each other.

According to Tommy, he’s going to be completely honest and truthful – only LIES because when Georgie says ‘we’ve barely spent any time together’ he doesn’t respond with ‘and whose fault is that, bitch?’

‘Beautiful women make me nervous’ he mutters instead, before revealing he’s only said ‘I love you’ once and to which Georgia does so much smiling and nodding we’re going to start calling her Larry Emdur.

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Cheeks.  Cracking.  Must.  Continue.  Smiling.

‘Well look I’m glad we got to sit down and chat’ she says after approximately 2 and a half minutes and a lot of foot tapping.

‘Me too’ says sweet Tommy and whose pale eyes shine with the hope of a kiss that could clearly only be dragged from her cold, dead lips.

Speaking of cold, dead lips it’s Cocktail Party time and George is still after Courtney to find out how she can pry his open.

‘My week was so fucking wonderful’ she gushes ‘NOW WHY DIDN’T YOU  CHOOSE YOURSELF AND PASH ME?!’

According to Court, he chose Tommy because Tommy is a ‘great guy’ who would give George tingles in all the right orifices if only she weren’t less dimensional than a toddler’s stick figure.  But before George can get well and truly down in the dumps, here comes Sam and Jake the Ripper who have been slaving over a hot stove for days on a food that finally isn’t cheese.

‘Hooray!’ they scream when the giant egg melts away to reveal something potentially edible inside.

‘I’m going to call this the Bubble of Trouble’ says Georgia, who risked the swallow and has the sudden premonition which toilet she’ll be spending the night clinging to.

Rose Ceremony time and here’s Osher to gently stroke Court for his efforts and remind the others that one of them will be shortly spat out of the Bachelor machine into the uncaring embrace of the Australia populace.

First called is Jake the Ripper, followed by Sam, Clancy, Matty, Rhys, Lil’ Heath, the Tongue Monster and Matt.  All of which leaves Cam vs. Tommy  and ten minutes of Georgia working HARD to summon any form of emotion that isn’t hysterical relief.

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forehead vein full of genuine sadness

‘Cameron’ she calls and after a brief struggle where the producers say it’s in her contract and she hollers that THEY CAN’T MAKE HER, she folds and takes Tommy onto the verandah for a personal.

‘From the moment I met you I knew I’d rather die than have sex with you’ she tells him gently.  ‘The right girl for you is probably in Tasmania – here, take my old house keys!’

Anyhoo off he goes and with it any chance Georgia may have had of coming across like something other than a looks-obsessed game show host.

‘Any guy would be lucky to end up wiv her’ Tommy says as the dark landscape flashes past his window, and Rico comments that unconventionally ugly-hot rootable he may have been, but bright as a new penny he certainly wasn’t.  Farewell, sweet prince!

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#betterthanbrad

Oh well, next week is Intruders week, some sort of a game involving Knights of the Round Table and still not a hint of an inflatable roo suit.

FFS.

xo Flawless

PS – Applications are still open if YOU want to be our new guest Bachette blogger.  Check our facebook page for more details and PM for the Special Assignment that will determine our Next Big Thing (read: small.  Very small.)

 

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