Bachelorette Ep 3: The One With The Reanimated Tongue Corpse

29 Sep

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Hola, lovers!  Welcome to week two of Georgia’s quest to find a LOVE that is not automatically associated with her father’s penis business, and day TEN TRILLION of us not having a boxed claret sponsorship.

Boo!

What have we learned in the last week?  Possibly the most shocking is that Rhys once got married and, no, not to the life-sized cutout of himself he got printed for the occasion at Office Works.  The real scandal though is that he’s still bound by the laws of wedlock, and according to his super fun, completely non-bitter ex, will be about as good for our Georgia as a slap to the face with a bouquet of unwashed foreskins.

The least shocking, of course, was Rhys being outed as the guy who gets his hipster nips out for dollars at hens nights and Rico reckons rather than a Sam vs. Rhys model-off, we should have been treated to a Rhys vs. Carlos stripper-off, with the loser having to do a nude lap of the Channel 10 compound with an anus packed full of $2 coins.

What else?  Ooh yes, Sam’s modelling catalogue got exhumed from the shallow grave he dumped it in before getting in that first limo and, as we all suspected, it’s a dirty great leviathan of hot that had no business being covered in a plaid shirt and left to swing a toy axe.

Anyhoo, let’s get down to the ‘cap because the boys are in a huddle and Cam is wondering whether a splash of petrol and a Daily Mail might help his relationship with Georgia grow.

Speaking of growing, here’s Osh who for reasons which escape Australia appears to have a pair of boobs tucked into his jacket pockets.  He’s bearing the obligatory Single Date card and says that whoever is on it better have their contouring game down to a fine art because woman will be beeping in the driveway in 20 minutes.

Because he’s unspeakably hot and waltzed into Georgia’s life on the arm of the only creature even hotter, it’s Lee who gets it, and while he rushes off to pick the breakfast out of his fangs, the other guys moan about how much they’d like to bang him and then make gentle love to him and then hold him all night in case he has a bad dream.

In the montage that follows, Lee explains that he’s running out of single friends and is tired of always being the groomsman left to explain to the hysterical bride why her husband-to-be is stuck in a strip joint in Mexico.   HE just wants to be the stranded groom for once, ‘K?

But here’s Georgie and after a tiny panic in which she opens his car door and he has to rock in a corner and blow into a paper bag to cope with the reversal in gender roles, they take to the road where every sentence is a joke and every second sentence is Rico begging them to Just.  Fucking.  STOP.

Finally they do but only because they’ve arrived at the boat that contains the treasure map,  that contains the X and that we know is going to end up in just another excuse to eat cheese.

Off they go and while he’s just happy being on an amazing boat with an amazing lady, she wants to know at what age he’ll top himself if he hasn’t yet impregnated a woman.

‘Erm well it’s all about the right person’ he waffles, fingers clawing at the imaginary noose, and Rico mutters that if looked any less comfortable you’d want to frisk him for a lost cucumber.

Anyhoo back at the house and Sam interrupts a tennis match with the sheer sexiness of his cardigan.  Oh alright he also has the Group Date card and Matty says his one goal is to be on it, rather than shit on it once everyone has left like Tommy and Jay did last time.

He gets his wish, as do Tommy, Clancy, Cam, Sam, Jay, Rhys and Aaron and when the clue is revealed as trapeze he’s excited because back when he ran away to the circus he learned a lot more than just how to pleasure the Ringmaster.

Back to the date, though, because the boat has pulled up to a beach and there’s birds and a treasure chest and the total seclusion of less than 50 camera crew.

As we predicted there’s a picnic some underpaid lackey prepared earlier, and which we didn’t predict leads to a rather rousing game of ‘two truths and a lie’.

The rules of the game are simple:  mention three celebrities you’d like shag into a raw state and then dare your partner to guess which one is just jks.  Georgia starts and because Zac Efron is  barely off the teat, Lee goes with him and, just like that, it’s 20 push-ups and the realisation that four years in Tasmania have not left her unscathed.

His list is less scandalous but just as a young boy was inconceivable to him, so is a woman in her forties inconceivable to her, and so it’s a no to Charlize Theron.

‘Wrong, bitch!’ shrieks Lee, ever gracious in victory, and while Georgia huffs away on her faux push-ups he explains that Charlize may be menopausal, but Isla Fisher is a proven ginger and would totally have to kill him first.

Punitive exercise completed, though, and it’s time for the rose, followed by a few more lies about feeling comfortable, followed by the pash and SWEET MOTHER OF DEAD TONGUE CHRIST, HERE IS THE ANSWER TO WHY HE’S STILL SINGLE.

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The Kiss

Oh lovers, what was the scene like in your house?  In ours the Dog rolled over in a dead faint and Rico screamed that his face was on fire and refused to be coaxed back out of the bathroom.  How does a man so good looking kiss so bad?  How does a tongue lie so still?  What thoughts ran though her head?  Did she go into shock mode and find her body incapable of a fight or flight response?  WHY DID NO ONE ON THE CREW STEP IN AND HELP HER?!

Thank FUCK for ad breaks, lovers, that spotty kid on the Coles ad is our new hero.

Moving on, though, because it’s time for the trapeze date which is all about Georgia wearing spandex, the boys wearing spandex and Osher wearing spandex under his shirt.

While the boys are taught how to bend their knees, point their toes and scream for a medic, Georgia tells them that she’s not looking for the best, just the guy who tries so hard his sphincter takes a team of surgeons and 24 hours to disentangle.

Trouble is she’s lying because it’s experienced Matty who wins the day and who gets an hour balancing his champagne on a safety net for his trouble.

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Had my hands tied behind my back, bitches

‘That was the sickest thing I’ve ever done on a first date’ Matty says, joining in on the general spirit of deceiving your potential life-partner.

‘Oh yes’ says Georgia, who tells the cameras she didn’t notice Matty at the cocktail party because unless you were carrying a wallet or a donkey or a wallet the size of a donkey, well tough titties.

Anyhoo she seems to like him now and they have this lovely little conversation about toe pointing which segues into the memory of his sisters wedding and dancing the night away  with the groom.

Wait.  What?

Talk then blessedly turns to beef and ends with him begging for a demonstration of her ‘newsreader voice’ and her giving us pure Suzannah Carr on steroids.

Cocktail Party time and Jake thinks Courtney needs to use his Golden Date Card early because that worked out so well for Sam Wood’s Heather.

Here comes Georgia and her two frontal sisters and though Courtney is sad she too is wearing red, he comforts himself with the knowledge his shirt at least resembles projectile gravy.

Sweet Tommy who is clearly a filler-Bach reckons he’s NEVER seen anyone look so good in a red dress, with the exception of that damp chick in Carrie.

First to get some one-on-one is Golden Date Card holder, Courtney, and Georgie complains that she feels like a girl who gave him her number ten minutes ago and is going fucking psychotic because he hasn’t called.

Anyhoo, of COURSE he pulls out the GDC and of COURSE she takes this as a sign that he really likes her and hasn’t just had producers barking in his earpiece since dawn.

Meanwhile, back with the boys, and Sam wants some poetry tips from Rhys because he’s a mean-but-sassy bastard.  Rhys obliges because any opportunity to savour the delicate tones of his own voice and Sam says that he may LOOK like he was trying not to laugh, but in reality he was trying not to throw up all over himself.

Back comes Courtney who delivers the news that the RSVP list for the next Group Date will be based on who can stare the longest at his gravy shirt without sweating.  Into the pool goes Clancy who cannot ABIDE mixed paisley, and in the confusion that follows Courtney invites him to tag along because he’s now seen what lurks beneath the bathrobe.

On to the Rose Ceremony and here comes Osher who looks oddly like Aaron and why haven’t we seen this before?!

First to be called is Matty, followed by Cameron, Courtney, Lil’ Heath, Rhys, Jake the Ripper, Tommy and Sam.  All of which leaves Matt without the Y, Jay and Osher Jnr.

In the interminable lack of suspense that follows, Rico mutters that Georgia’s distress is about as sincere as the man who helps you with your shopping bags and then makes off with your bacon and JESUS H CLARET WOMAN IT’S NIGHT THREE AND YOU’VE KNOWN SERVO ATTENDANTS FOR LONGER.

Anyhoo, of course the rose goes to Matt who is the least buxom and/or uncomfortably tidy of the two.

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Rejection

‘Aaron, Jay, you will now be dragged outside and devoured by wild pigs who have no concern for your family members’ intones serious Osher.  In comes security and while Aaron says that Georgia must have thought he was ‘just a funny guy’, Jay doesn’t say anything because, well, the pigs get to him first.

RIP Jay.  We’ll miss your natty white suits that for some reason Rhys got to wear this ep and which, I’m sure you’ll agree, were a big mistake.  Huge.

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Huuuuuuge

Bye Aaron, we’re sorry we didn’t notice the resemblance between you and Osh sooner because, well, that would have been fun for us.

Until next time, lovers!  And don’t forget we’re looking for a guest blogger so hit up our FB if you’re keen to give it a try.  Boxed claret and fame (ok, probably just boxed claret) awaits!

xo Flawless

 

 

 

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