Pack your bags and grab your sluttiest cabin boy, lovers! It’s Bachelorette time so let’s plot a course and set sail for TRUE LOVE!
Oh how we have waited for this moment! The Internet have been positively taunting us with photos and clips and Rico reckons if he’d had to wait one more day his trouser rotation would have been all out of whack and he’d have to wear the pair with the meat paste stains.
Speaking of trousers, looking resplendent tonight is Osher because if we said anything else he’d write an op-ed piece on cyber bullying. He’s here as always to guide us through our in-Bachelorette safety procedures, including leaving the aisle clear for stampeding testosterone and always, ALWAYS saying yes to the drinks cart.
But first it’s montage time and here’s our newly unshelved bachette, Georgia Love, showing us all that Tasmania may be the next door neighbour of the Antarctic, but girl journos still have to strut around in skirts.
‘Your career is not going to come home at night and hug you’ says Georgie, and Rico says this may be true, but the live-in pool boy who you pay for with the money from your career certainly will.
For tonight’s meet ‘n greet, Georgie has put the red power-suit with shoulder pads aside in favour of bridal eggshell with a semi sheer bodice and skirt that won’t give the erroneous impression she’s a career woman. Although she’s pretty, she’s no Angelina Jolie, and that’s a good thing because although the end of Nikki and Richie was a kick to the nuts of love, Brangelina is like tying it by the limbs to four horses and screaming GALLOP YOU USELESS NAGS, GALLOP!
Right, let’s get on with the first in the 15 bachelor courses ahead of us shall we?
First is Cameron, the barely off the potty firefighter from Perth whose montage tells us that riding on the work truck and looking pensive on jetties are among his top larks.
Because she’s got a history of hard-hitting journalism, Georgia immediately wants to know if he’s ever got his man tits out for a calendar and is thrilled to find out that not only is the answer a resounding YES, but there’s copies still in stores that she can eventually use to line her cat’s litter tray.
Next up is Jake in his all black suit and his ring that is thankfully on the non-adultering finger. According to Jakey, his brother and father have the same ring and that they are a close family. Very close. Oh with the exception of his mother who doesn’t get a ring because she refuses to get up on a Sunday and cook them all pancakes.
‘What drink would you like me to order you later?’ he asks, and Georgia replies that she likes whiskey because three bottles usually blurs the edges enough for her to forget she might one day have to return to Tasmania.
Next up is Rhys who gets the pretentious neck beard music even though he doesn’t have one. What he does have is a scarf, large gums and such poorly accented French you’d be forgiven for thinking he was Ewan McGregor.
Ok the nice music’s back and that’s because it’s
aspiring TV presenter Industrial Designer Courtney with his blue suit and shirt made out of 70s gift wrap. He’s also brought a carb-loaded bracelet which apparently once belonged to an 8 year old who snubbed him and suddenly we’re all hoping the producers did a thorough job on their police checks.
Anyhoo, after a few guys who trot on by with the speed of men Georgia will never give a fuck about, it’s time for another montage – this time of Big City Player Carlos who was clearly only cast for this show so we could learn how cashed up he is so we can rob him later.
According to the montage, he’s a nightclub owner who does hairless gyrating for his high rollers, and rather than a bracelet made of pasta he’s brought Georgie one made of cold, hard stripper bucks.
‘Well, I hope I have something to give you in return’ she says before off-camera Osher can stop her, and Carlos replies that she certainly does and that it begins in R and ends in E because ROOTE.
Well it’s not relationship, bitches.
Ok check-it lovers, because here comes 35 year-old Lee who is hoping to pass his donkey off as a ‘good friend’.
‘I think I’m funny and I hope she does too’ he says, before yanking the poor creature up the drive, making fun of its figure and then leaving it so he can go into the house and get pissed.
‘Definitely a spark there’ squeals Georgia, who’s always had a thing for short, hairy guys wearing sombreros.
After another procession of boys without a prayer (busty Aaron, girlish Jay, weathered Tommy and one of two Matts) it’s Ben the miner who has two Huskies and, judging by his eyeballs and inability to control his legs and bowels, an entire Ute filled with methamphetamine. He gets the circus music and when Georgia tells him she owns a cat, he twitches so hard one of his aforementioned ‘nervous shits’ slides straight out of his pants leg.
‘I thought I KILLED it’ he squeals while Osher runs over with the Wet Wipes and Rico reckons this is a man we’d quite happily share our couch with, even if we had to cover it with a plastic sheet first.
Next is Clancy of the Glorious Ginger Beard and who has brought a shaver as a gift because he heard a rumour that Georgia has Italian heritage. He’s followed by Sam who has a montage containing motorcycles, showering and depressing evidence that the world is filled with stupid women. He’s come armed with the gift of stupid questions because who needs Tiffany’s when you can lay down your lack of common interests without laying down any actual cash.
Anyhoo, apparently that’s the last of them so into the house we go so that Carlos can show everyone his receipts, Clancy can show off his beard, and Lee can trump everyone with the story of the now dehydrated donkey languishing in the driveway.
Ben, who is now tweaking off his bits, cannot even deal and out they all rush to find said donkey and regret using all their compliments on Georgia.
‘Her name is Chelsea’ says Lee and Rico admits that though he thought Chelsea was a boy, he should have known by the way she sashayed down that driveway and made Georgia look like the last frock in an outlet sale.
Right, what else is going on? Scarf-wearing Rhys and stacked Aaron are in the first flush of man-love and there’s so much mutual stroking going on you’d be forgiven for thinking this was the back row at a Woody Allen film festival.
In comes Osher, though, banging a spoon against a glass, and Matty says they all look up only not really because Osher is teeny tiny.
Anyhoo, because the White Rose has been blamed for luring Richie too close to the hull of barnacle Alex, it’s been kicked into the corner like an unflattering wet suit and replaced with a cousin fresh out of the nursery. According to Osh, the brand spanking Yellowy Orange Rose will give the wielder the power to save himself from eviction and choose another poor bastard in his place.
Sorry, lovers, we wish. Instead it’s a combo of Heather’s plan-your-own-single White Rose with the added yawn of planning the group date and who gets to share the torture.
In comes the lady of the next eight or so weeks, and just like Ben she trips, only unlike Ben it’s because she’s drunk not constantly sucking on a crack pipe. A few stitches and a leg brace later, she tells the group she’s looking for the love of her life and fervently hopes he’s sitting or standing or crouching like a hideous greased up goblin (Carlos) in front of her.
First to get some one-on-one is Jake who whisks her off for a whiskey she clearly doesn’t need.
‘My dad’s a fucken DICK doctor!’ she slurs and Jake tells the cameras he tried to change the subject but alcohol doesn’t always listen to the subtle nuances of language.
Back with the other boys and there’s talk about lurking and interrupting and queue-forming and Lee disapproves because ‘you wouldn’t do this in a nightclub’ where apparently companion donkeys are just fine.
Meanwhile Aaron has Georgia’s undivided attention, but because Rhys is his new BFF with benefits he’s allowed to join and what follows is so much stroking Georgia asks twice if they want to be left alone before giving up because love has the deafening roar of thunder.
Oddly camp Fireman Cam is up next and he wastes zero time telling Georgia that he’s a Disney fan and only came on the show because he was sure the Bachelorette would be Janey. Still, he’s fine to chat with her to pass the time and happily reveals that his favourite Disney is Aladdin, The Lion King is too sad, and The Little Mermaid is a prince-stealing bitch who should have married the crab with the smart mouth.
Back to the boys and the threat of the queue has been realised, which gives Sam the perfect opportunity to jump it. Unfortunately, however, after some negotiation where they agree to keep two sauce bottles, order two pizzas and kill Georgia’s cat, he gravely insults Georgia by dropping the worst of the two C-words: Coriander.
While all this is going down, Rhys has laid down a yoga challenge because what could be more erotic than two guys thrusting their rectums in the air and neither of them being Carlos.
In comes Georgia who sits next to Jake, who then has to swap with Courtney because Aaron won’t keep his yap shut.
Off they go for a chat where Courtney adds to his questionable reputation by admitting he spent ten years working in childcare.
‘I really, really like this guy’ gushes Georgia, and Rico reckons she can’t be blamed because living on the Apple Aisle is known to do strange things to one’s moral compass.
Here comes our man Carlos, though, and Georgia wants to know if pulling out the Tiff box is his M.O. or just something he does when the fine print in his contract says he’ll get it back.
‘The finer things in life is what I’m all about’ he replies, before adding that he’s on the show for more than just wowing her with his body and his inability to read simple social cues.
Back again to the queue and sweet tweaking Ben says he’s just looking for his unicorn because he saw it five minutes ago chugging Sangria and speaking to Abraham Lincoln. Clancy, meanwhile, still has his beard only WAIT JUST A SECOND because here comes Georgia with the lady shaver.
‘Is she allowed to do that?!’ worries Matty, who has a camera wedged halfway down his throat and has failed to notice.
‘Voila! Mutton chops!’ squeals Georgia, before assuring Clancy he can ‘finish the job’ if he wants, but that she might then ‘finish the job’ at the Rose Ceremony.
Bowing to the peer pressure of guys who have less than a millimetre of his best interests at heart, Clancy completes the shave and to Rico’s sadness does NOT reveal a chin in the shape of a wilted ballsack.
No, lovers, Ginger Beard is actually seriously rootable under all that fuzz and that means pasta bracelet Courtney and Donkey charmer Lee have some serious competition for the Orange Rose.
‘Women do like animals’ muses Carlos, while Jake says he ‘brought nothing but his smile’ and which is rapidly resembling that creepy hitchhiker you don’t stop for when you’re a woman alone on the highway.
Anyhoo the Orange Rose goes to Courtney and while Clancy is sad because he too suffered through a childhood with a girlish name, Ben is sadder because seeing the Orange Rose evaporate is a bigger downer than waking up at 4pm with not so much as a bottle of Benadryl.
Rose Ceremony time and Carlos reckons the roses are like the Golden Tickets in Willy Wonka – only without the lifetime supply of chocolate he could flog at a profit in China.
In comes Osher who says ‘first impressions mean everything’ and who has no doubt spent the last several hours trading pap stories with Chelsea the Donkey.
He’s followed by Georgia and Rhys is still bitter that he yoga’d his ring off and still didn’t get so much as a free pass to the Final Rose. Jake is more confident and says he can totally see himself in a relationship with her, or at least her hog tied in a car boot while he speeds to the nearest deserted location.
First to get called up is Lee because DONKEY, followed by Cameron, Clancy, Jake and Heath. Next is Jay, Matty, Tommy, Matt, Aaron and Rhys, and while Carlos entertains the prospect that not every woman wants a wallet full of cash and an oiled-up six pack that won’t shut up about itself, Ben fears he’s too much of a five in a sea of tens and that the nearest late night chemist is the one where he head-butted the security guard.
‘Ben’ says Georgia and Australia cheers and briefly regains some of the good spirits it lost when Richie chose Alex over Nikki. All of which leaves Sam, Carlos and someone called Dale, who of course has no chance because we’ve seen less of him than the make-up artist who resprays Osher’s foundation.
‘Sam’ says Georgia, working hard at cry-face because DEEP EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENTS after ten minutes. In comes Osher, respectful as an undertaker, to break the news that no rose means no fame and, sadly, not even a root.
While Dale scurries out without so much as a ‘wish I’d brought a donkey’, Carlos is more forthcoming and declares that Georgia wasn’t ‘confident enough’ to be with him – presumably because it takes a confident woman rather than a stupid woman to quit her job and pick the one man who probably strips in front of a mirror rather than paying the porn subscription.
Oh lovers, we’re exhausted! Tomorrow is the first Single and the obligatory group photo shoot which better fucking include Chelsea or we’re writing a stern missive to Channel 10.