Evening lovers! Yay for the Final Three and being so excited for the Richelor to make his choice you’ve blown a nervous fart hole in your upholstery.
Sorry we skipped the last Frock Watch. We honestly meant to get to it but then we ended up
furiously masturbating over calmly and non-sexually discussing Olena’s boxer father and, well, one day turned into the next and here we are!
Anyhoo, Olena’s dad and his sexual-glacier eyes aside, tonight is all about Richie pretending he still hasn’t made up his damn mind and the producers whoring themselves out to as many hotels, airlines, Toyotas and tour operators as 60 minutes can stand without screaming for fucking mercy.
According to the Rich, the last few weeks have been a roller coaster because he’s constantly on the verge of screeching and/or vomiting. Cue the montages of Nikki, Australia’s Sweetheart, Olena, Australia’s Girl Crush, Alex, Australia’s Annie Wilkes and Air Asia, Australia’s new favourite budget airline.
First up for a face-full of cameras and the chance to romance Richie’s white leg hair is Alex who has dressed in somber black with her cheeks hanging out in the hopes Richie will feel sorry for her and buy her a Bintang shirt.
Unfortunately for Alex, the Rich has got his sights on bike riding in Ubud, rather than bartering in Kuta, and although she says ‘I’m a very lucky lady’ what she wants to say is inappropriate even for this blog.
Off they go and while Richie does bunny hops and enjoys the view of Alex’s buttocks flailing around on her bike seat, Alex says nice things about Richie’s sense of humour and which will probably serve him well when she fakes his death in about six months time.
Finally they stop so they can perform a choreographed lift where Richie tries to hoist her, she tries to wrap her legs around his waist, and Rico bursts into tears from the hideous awkwardness of it all.
Because sitting down is safer, they do that instead and Alex finally admits that her brother drilled the Rich to his ginger core at her family’s dinner table. Rich then says that he’s open to living in Melbourne but doesn’t want to ‘pull the little guy out of school’, just out of his pants.
Anyhoo after a pash it’s flash forward to evening time and one of those Balinese gazebo thingies that you just know a million bogans have had sex in. After a bit of chat about the White Rose, Alex wonders if Rich’s mum and sister will be ok with him dating a woman whose vagina has already stretched around the head of a child.
‘To be honest I’ve never asked’ stutters the Rich looking petrified. ‘I was hoping we could pretend you were 21 and a virgin.’
Moving on and it’s a whole new day and a whole new girl for Richie to fondle without having to necessarily put a ring on it. This time it’s Nikki who does the lengthy walk of shame in a romper that blessedly covers her undercarriage. As she walks the 20-30miles where Richie has been strategically propped, she repeats the line about liking to be in his arms because that’s the only way she can get shitfaced and still make it out of the nightclub.
Unlike Alex (and later Olena) Nikki practically lives in Bali and she’s seen the giant inflatable thing the Richster has lined up for their date and, no, it’s not another fucking roo suit.
According to Richie, he’s seen Nikki’s adorable side and wants to see the one that comes out on a ride that could potentially break both of their spines. Hooray!
Off they go and Rich loves that Nikki doesn’t even bat an eyelid because she may or may not have passed out. Nikki on the other hand says big kids are super attractive and that’s totally acceptable when you grow up in Northam.
Come night time and there’s tea lights, cheese and Nikki in some obscenely orange shorts. In comes some Balinese guy who Richie introduces as Bruno because he hasn’t realised the guy in his earpiece is joking. Apparently he’s there to bless them and Nikki reckons she has to stop pinching herself because between her fingers and the mosquitoes she’ll wake up looking like Danny Trejo.
Anyhoo, the Rich loves that she’s ‘so open with her feelings’ and that he could ‘slot in well’ and STOP IT RICHIE THERE ARE THIRTEEN YEAR OLD BOYS WATCHING THIS WHO CAN’T BREATHE!
Nikki on the other hand wonders if ‘easiness is an advantage’ and, Jesus H Claret, lovers, if she decides yes we may well be on the cusp of the first Bachelor hand-job.
The evening ends with the Rich telling her she’s the dead-spit of the Energiser Bunny because she keeps yapping on about her feelings and MOTHER OF CHRIST WHEN WILL SHE STOP. Oh yes and they also kiss, despite the fact that Richie’s hand has apparently passed away and lies decomposing on her leg the entire time.
A new day and a new company to flog, this time the one that hires out Vespas to drunk bogans without a fuck to give in the whole wide world. Olena looks stupidly hot, but what’s new? Oh and there’s a welcome flashback to Ukrainian Rocky that has the Dog twitching his leg and then denying it.
According to Richie, he can see the potential for an incredible relationship that will be made all the more incredible when Olena’s dad learns that he’s yet again taken her out on a two-wheeled vehicle without seat belts.
Anyhoo off to the beach and some surfing they go and while they wax the boards Olena admits that her mum is about as convinced as a lobster being coaxed into a vat full of boiling water – but she’ll tell him all about that later.
This has the Rich all in a tizz because he just wanted to enjoy Olena’s bits in her bikini WITHOUT constantly picturing the woman who likely thinks he’s a complete dick.
Out of the water and he can wait no longer and Olena admits that she was mistaken to list her mum as the disapproving party of one because SURPRISE! It’s daddy too.
To the cameras Rich says that he gets that there’s distance and doubts and a dad who could floor him by blinking, but if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be goddamn it! Olena nods but says that she’s got her dad’s voice in her head and Rico reckons if he were any more jealous he’d literally drop dead.
Back to Rich though because he says he’d totes consider moving to Sydney and you ‘don’t have to root yourself in one place’.
Amen, ginger sister. Amen.
Olena on the other hand buys that not a bit and says travelling back and forth is about as much a recipe for long lasting romance as cutting your head off and replacing it with a zucchini.
‘I have to decide if I’ll be happy at the end’ she says, and Rich turns the cameras and says she may as well be speaking Ukrainian – or English which is another language he fails to comprehend.
Night time and Olena gets Nikki’s leftover cheese and a grumpy date who might just be on his period.
‘I just want to know how you feel about me’ he whines to the tune of people across the world who damn well know the answer but insist upon asking anyway. Olena replies that hometowns made her question and that ‘this is the real shit’ – or at least it will be once the cameras have gone home and Richie gets up one morning to a charred husk of ex-motorcycle.
To the cameras he says that he gets that she’s traditional, but this should be about GOOD TELEVISION not fucking feelings. She then admits that their relationship could be a hassle, especially if Richie has more than one motorcycle and chains himself to it while her father stands over him with the gasoline.
Anyhoo, the night ends with an angry Rich gulping down the champers and slurring about special feelings and obstacles and Olena being an unfeeling robot.
Rose ceremony time and Alex does a lot of lip biting even though word must have reached her by now that this verdict is going to be about as suspenseful as an episode of Escape to the Country. In comes Osher, fresh from a run-in with a stubborn wet suit, who tells the girls they’ve all formed a special bond with the Rich because ‘special’ can also mean non-existent.
Over to the Rich who is doing some serious leaning and sweating out last night’s champagne on a veranda. He says that the three dates have been ‘very revealing’ and for once his decision isn’t a tough one – especially not for Olena who clearly wouldn’t piss on him if his ginger locks were on fire.
First rose goes to Nikki who tonight is dressed in a silvery sheath that does nothing to disguise the fact that her roots are now old enough to vote.
The second and final rose, of course, goes to Alex, who is once again wearing black and is once again able to feel a gentle breeze against her steam valve.
Which of course leaves Olena, trussed up like a bad scrapbook with a napkin wedged between the pages.
In her walk to the waiting vehicle, Olena says she hopes he’ll be with one of the two remaining girls forever, because that might make her father cancel the hit he took out on him during hometowns. Rich replies that in the end he had to follow his heart, but only because his dick was making less sense than she was.
Oh lovers, the preview shows Alex in a gold dress and Nikki wearing FINAL ROSE RED! Are we reading into this too much? Are we? ARE WE?