Bachelor Frock Watch: OBSCENE EDITION

31 Aug

Hola lovers, for once the obscenity is not coming from us but from a Wardrobe department who are obviously tired of the odd sip from a glass of champers, and have graduated to sinking whole kegs of Hillbilly gut rot. What else other than BLACKOUT DRUNKENNESS could explain tonight’s fashion choices?

Anyhoo, before you proceed think long and hard about your coping skills and whether, when you’re lying awake for the next year, you’ll have anyone to stay up with you and keep you from taking the razor blades to your eyeballs.

In an effort to start out gently, let’s kick off with Nikki:


So, we’ve been pleading for drape-y and flow-y and here we have something drape-y and flow-y that we would totally approve of if not for the fact it might be a hideous wide-legged pantsuit.  Please GOD let this be an optical illusion.



She looks like a grieving billionairess who’s just been surprised in her bedroom by the gardener.  The designer is George Wu who needs to stop pushing sleep wear on the catwalk.



Is that an odd tan-line or the world’s most unwanted piece of modesty mesh?  Also the Dog reckons that hem line is the result of an enraged Jack Russell.



Aside from the giant staring nipple, what horrifies me about this look is that she’s just a short carrot crop away from Pauline Hansen.  Makeup can share the credit for this travesty.



Proof that high waisted tight white trousers with an unspeakable flared leg are flattering on NO ONE. I feel compelled to invest all my money in time-share just by looking at her.



Ok, so a vet once told me that the way you work out whether your dog’s yak is regurgitation or actual vomit, is by the presence of THIS COLOUR.  Oh Kiki, did you struggle when this was being yanked over your head.  Did you demand to see the fine print in your contract?  On the upside you’re gone now and there’s no doubt plenty of showers you can scrub yourself raw in.



The incontrovertible proof that Wardrobe are about as keen on Faith looking decent as they are on getting their faces shat on by a giant hovering anus or Michael Turnbull.  We’ve said it before, but this woman deserves better than a hideous romper patterned with the screaming faces of the Damned.  Special mention to the Trussed Turkey shoes that do about as much to improve this outfit as Herpes.

Oh lovers, is this the bottom of the Frock Barrel?  Is it?

xo Flawless


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