Well it’s Week 3 and in a fair world that would mean we’re nice and comfortable with the handful of gals who might just have a chance at
beating bearing Richie’s redheaded children.
But this is not a fair world, lovers, oh no. This is a world where cameras get in so close we can LITERALLY SMELL THE BREATH MINTS. A world where a bachelorette attacks Richie’s face like it’s a German meat roll with extra bacon. A world where things of such depravity happen to one’s eyes that nothing can be done to make them UNhappen. NOTHING!
Buckle up, lovers. You have been warned.
The show opens at some ungodly hour with all the girls in full make-up eating muesli. In walks their lazy morning delight, Osher, and Rachel reckons the Single Date card in his greasy claw is hers because so far the Richelor has been chucking roses at her first.
Oh Rachel, haven’t you been watching the promos? This is Alex’s ‘lucky day’ and no that doesn’t mean she gets $50 000 and permission to scarper.
‘It finally happened!’ whimpers Alex, clutching her hands because that worked so well for Anne Hathaway on Oscar night and is it possible for Australia to cringe any more? You better believe it (insert horrified laugh here).
Alex, as we already know, has 99 problems but will never admit to Richie that parenting a small, incredibly selfish human is one of them. As a reward for her years at the Fisher Price coalface, Alex is getting The Pretty Woman Date, and which will later be parlayed by Richie into the Tongue Date.
While the other girls do a bit of half-hearted complaining, Alex skips off to try and fail to give her roots lift with some incredibly expensive and completely randomly placed hairdryer.
Here comes Richie who has managed to insert himself into an enormous black dildo and drive it to the front of the mansion. Alex, who has long been a fan of Idris Elba, tells him he looks gorgeous and does so much hand-clapping and giggling even Richie seems tempted to slap her.
Out come the other girls to make things a bit more awkward and Nikki confesses that the though of Alex and Richie together makes her ‘feel funny’ or her ‘fists feel like punching Alex repeatedly in the teeth’ – she can’t decide.
Anyhoo, into the dildo they go and first stop is a frock shop where Alex’s first job is to deny feminism and pretend any of this is coming out of Richie’s wallet. Her second job is approximately 8 million hours of twirling and giggling and BEING GLORIOUSLY THIN and if not for the hot saleswoman breaking up the party and telling her to use her knickers as a belt, Richie could still be a vaguely ginger husk dehydrating in a change room.
With the dress picked it’s time for some champers and a chat about their ‘great banter’ which curiously shows zero signs of ‘great banter’ so I guess we’ll have to take their word for it.
Back at the Bitch Pit and there’s cards in hands and Osher sitting in the camera room hoping someone takes their top off. In comes Georgia with the Group Date business and Sasha, Kiki, Megan and Nikki get the ‘nobody puts baby in a corner’ news, while Keira begins to experience withdrawals from being miserable and discontented.
Back on the Single and the dildo-mobile pulls up to a hotel with a knowing wink.
‘I have no idea why we’re here!’ squeals Alex, who is prepared to forget her own name if it means getting out of a ride in an elevator with a discrete concierge. To her relief, though, it’s just a High Tea. To Richie’s lack of relief though, she wants to talk. About The Child. And apparently wants him to say words back.
Oh Ritchie you tried, you really did, but she had you at every turn and the bit where she said ‘real love has no boundaries’ was your moment to scream ‘EXCEPT FOR CHILDREN; CHILDREN ARE LIKE THE THE TRUMP MEXICO WALL’ only you didn’t and you’ve got no-one to blame but yourself.
Ugh. Anyhoo, onto the part of the date where they have to slow-dance in front of a random spiral perm wearing a pimp hat.
What follows is lots of giggling and box-stepping and lip-biting and just when you think they’re going to kiss the singer unplugs his guitar and barks at them for payment.
Cue the production assistants with their breath mints because god knows you NEVER want to be this far down a man’s oesophagus without them and INCOMING, RICHIE!!!
While Alex claws at his scalp and attempts to impregnate his throat, Rico and I drink in silence and pray that one day it will end and, on that day, someone will come to our house with a time machine.
Finally, finally she frees his face and after a spot of rose-gifting she tells the cameras they are ‘on a different level now’ – partly because they pashed and partly because his guts are now carrying her murderous offspring.
Cue a brand new Group Date day and the bachettes wake to the sound of screaming which everyone assumes is Richie reliving the previous evening. Surprise! It’s plastic babies with names on them and Nikki, whose maternal instinct is on point, immediately starts rocking and cooing and drinking wine in the shower.
In comes Osher who announces there’s a genuine money-making business behind this plastic horror-show of gender roles and, no, he didn’t just order bulk on Ebay. In comes Richie who has his own tiny ginger and a special surprise for Noni who wasn’t even on the Group Date but now gets to be the lucky mother of twins.
According to Noni, she’d rather swim with crocodiles and then have her severed, bloody limbs fought over between Bill Cosby and Rolf Harris. Richie tries to make it up to her by letting her ride in his car, but because there’s no way of hiding the fact that this is a cheap date, the babies scream the whole way and Richie confesses he now has a whole new respect for mums and dads – not to mention a whole new desire not to choose Alex.
Anyhoo, the date is mini-golf which has its own special place reserved in the lower sewers of Hell even without tiny, rage-filled humans along for the ride. Richie reckons it’s like the hot shoe shuffle, only with projectile vomit, and admires the way Noni utilises a sports bag as a mattress while Megan isn’t afraid to threaten her infant with a golf club.
With the golf finished it’s time for a champagne picnic and Noni demonstrates her knowledge of parenthood by draining her glass while Richie’s still pouring. Richie mentions that all his friends are having kids but he never holds them because that would be like going to the dog park and picking up someone else’s dump.
Into this atmosphere of parenting joy comes Osher who announces that these babies weren’t just constantly smelly and miserable, they were also trained by the CIA to sell their parents out to the authorities. Aaaaaaand, because Nikki was the only one who treated her small hunk of plastic like something she didn’t want to shove into a blender, her child’s Happiness Rating is highest and that means some one-on-one with the Rich!
Off they go to the Bach Pad where Rich shyly confesses he’d hoped she’d win and she ruins the moment by asking if he wants kids.
‘Suuuuuuure!’ he stutters, before tacking on something about ‘when you’re both ready’ and something about his rotting carcass.
What follows is Nikki reaching into her sack of ‘never have I ever’ by telling him the closest anyone has ever come to calling her beautiful is when a drunk licked her face on the train platform. This blows the Richster’s mind, partly because he thinks she’s gorge, and partly because that was his M.O. back in his student days and he could have sworn he would have remembered her.
Kissing time and she initiates and compared to the Great Violation of Single Dates Past, this is quite sedate and the Magic Music appears to tell us that, if we didn’t already know, Nikki will totally be making it to Home Towns.
Cocktail party time and Alex arrives with her White Rose and the Camilla skirt she totally snuck into her bag in the change room. The Richster arrives and takes Rachel for some one-one-on and she says it’s ‘like a mini date’ or at best a mini frank.
Back with the other girls and Nikki has been marinated ready for a grilling. Because last time she shut her gob, this time it yawns wide open and when she spills about the kiss, Alex gets a version of The Face we last saw at a Rose Ceremony – only this time with more death.
‘I just don’t want to know’ Alex tells the girls, which sets Keira on to one of her signature bluntversations and Nikki weeping into her immaculate formal slacks.
With Alex and Nikki now separated, Alex tells her posse that ‘kissing is so intimate’ – especially when your man is gasping for air and losing control of his bladder. Meanwhile, Keira wants to know if Nikki ‘feels bad’ and she sobs that of course she fucking does and she’ll keep on feeling terrible right up to the point where Richie gives her the final rose and she can finally give everyone else the finger.
Because he has his orders from Osher, Richie staggers into the fray, only to be swept away by Eliza who has been waiting all night to remind him that she’s nuttier than what comes out of a squirrel.
‘It’s a blue velvet rose’ she says, holding out nothing of the fucking sort and Rico mutters that he hopes it’s a napkin but suspects it came out of her knicker drawer. Eliza then tells him it’s sweet he can celebrate the fact she’s a weirdo without filing a Restraining Order or insisting she wear a straitjacket to Cocktail Parties.
Back with the other ‘chettes and the Glenn Close who lives inside Alex tells her now is the time to move in with the White Rose and the bunny-sized saucepan. Meanwhile, Nikki is still in tears until Olena snaps at her to put down the friendship bracelets and start remembering that this is a show where girls are SUPPOSED to fall for one guy, SUPPOSED to tear out each other’s throats, and where Osher is SUPPOSED to stop crouching in the corner fiddling with his hamster.
Oh how we love that creature!
Right, off to the Rose Ceremony and with only one set to go home Keira needs no reassurance because Eliza and Noni.
Speaking of Eliza, poor deluded pet tells the cameras she’s certain there’s ‘attraction on both sides’. Presumably hers to Richie and Richie’s to the closest exit.
First to be called from the rose-less ranks is Sasha, followed by Kiki, Faith, Rachel, Georgia, Olena, Megan and Keira. As the remaining two, Eliza and Noni gaze at each other tearfully, but the goodbye belongs to our beloved giantess, Eliza, who is so genuinely devo even Osher wipes the sticky grin off his face and whispers something sympathetic.
According to the Richster, there was ‘never a dull moment’. Or a hot one which was the fucking problem. In the limo she gets teary and says someday, somewhere, someone will take her hand and celebrate the woman she is. Or the man they hope she is, she’s not particularly fussy.
Until tonight, lovers!