Evening lovers! The hours and minutes finally passed and here we are in Week 2 of The Richelor staring down the barrel of two of the dunderfuckeriest dates known to douchekind.
Before you ask, yes the remaining Felchelorettes are still expected to pretend that Richie sat up to the wee hours coming up with fucklorded ideas for romance. And, yes, our one hope of this mold being split open wider than Nikki’s shirtfront is Keira, who we know from the previews will live to be fabulous another day and will at some point step into a horse and carriage potentially pulled by Alex.
Perhaps it’s too soon to make our feelings known about child-wielding ingenue, Alex, but we’re of the Distrust At First Sight school of boxed claret, and something about the blushing and the peeping upwards and then the stone cold way she handled our Keira makes our hackles rise and our silent alarm start shopping for a speaker.
Right, here we are and it’s Episode 3 and fuck me if we’re not starting with a rehash of White Rosegate. Nothing much happens other than Kiki using the word ‘kerfuffle’ and Alex saying that she ‘came here to find love’ and she already sees ‘amazing qualities’ in Richie – like the ability of his particular aroma to overpower 22 roses and the ever-present stage hand with the Lynx can.
Oh but here’s Osher who has materialised with a date card that reads ‘love is in the air’, and just as everyone is fantasising about balloons and planes it turns out Megan will be getting scraped out of the sack at dawn to sit on some dodgy glass platform some idiot has left a park bench on.
First though we get some footage of The Richelor in a black sports car because nothing says James Bond like a ranga sweating into expensive upholstery. When he arrives he breaks the news to Megan that the nearby crane is not just random backdrop, but the only thing standing between her and a bloody mess lying on sharp rocks.
Up they go and she says that this date is ‘insane’ because only a known psychopath (see: Frost, Sam) would subject someone they have interest in to about 90 minutes trust in a potentially drunk crane operator.
Anyhoo, they make it up in one piece and as the water crashes and foams below, Richie thinks it’s a good idea to stand up and really experience what it would be like to plunge to their deaths like in Titanic. But don’t worry, he tells the terrified Megan, ‘I’ve got you’ – or rather the safety line attached to the back of her shirt does because Kate Winslet said the same thing to Jack and FROZEN CORPSE SINKING TO THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN.
Once the pointless standing and dangling is done, it’s time for some hopefully alcoholic orange juice and Richie to talk more about the eroticism of imminent death. She replies that she has a feeling when ‘things are not right’ and if not for Osher winking at her when they attached the life rope, she’d be bolting like an electrocuted burrow.
Back at the Bitch Pit and Keira has found a Group Date card which reads ‘let the good times roll’ and which those girls who have watched previous seasons think is totally going to see them bashing around in those clear rubber balls.
Almost, bitches! ALMOST! But where would the fun in repeating that jig be when flabby-breasted sumo suits that have no capacity to show the fit body inside are so much more fun?
Off on the Sumo-on-wheels date are Rachel, who has contracted some of Keira’s fuckthisitis, Nikki, Russian Sasha, Dr Yang, Janey, Kiki, Tolyna, Swimsuit Designer Noni, White Rose Alex, Tiffany, Sophia and THANK FUCKING CHRIST, Keira.
Before they know what they’re up to, Keira hopes it’s rollerblading because she ‘was a pro’ and, yes, that’s totally irrelevant to rollerblading.
Back to the Single Date, though, and Megan’s boobs are MAGNIFICENT in her red dress and she’s busy talking about passion. Down goes the Richelor’s glass and Rico sucks in a breath because could this be the sign of a ginger tongue about to plumb the Geraldton depths? Yes and no because in he goes, only her body wins the battle against her fame loving brain and at the penultimate moment shrieks YOU SHALL NOT PASS!
This gives him pause and he wants to know if he’s her type or whether his alleged stench is a deal-breaker. Totes no, she replies, and that’s all he needs and before her body can erupt into a defensive shield of spikes, his tongue has made contact and well, someone give us something caustic and a brillo pad.
‘That was really nice’ he says in the silent moment where her limbs have yet to respond to the violation and she’s still within earshot, and Rico reckons if this is what he’s armed with after a kiss, sweet lord help us if he’s ever filmed post-root.
Group Date time and Tolyna is excited – possibly because Kiki has rocked up in brown overalls and we’ve always suspected she’s German. In comes Osher who announces that the wheels they’ve been thinking of are not the wheels they are going to get because SWEATY GINGER ON ROLLERSKATES, BITCHEZ!
According to the Richster, he loves anything potentially dangerous that makes him go fast and UNNNGHHHHH.
Keira, on the other hand, prefers Yoga and not even a squad of top-shelf lesbians on wheels can keep her mind away from the cold glass of drunk she’ll be enjoying later at the Cocktail Party.
Anyhoo, the gals are divided into two teams, shoved into giant mockeries of Japanese culture, and told to smash the shit out of the opposition and hopefully score enough points for a trip to an ice-cream truck equipped with unflattering lighting.
Off they go and Dr Yang lives up to her name by hoisting her sloppy, plastic tits and scoring the first points. Keira reckons that anyone who likes sports is LYING and, just like that, we have fallen harder than we’ve ever fallen before.
Luckily for Keira, the sad potato with tits that is Richie doesn’t hear her, and into the ring she goes to lose points, flail on her back and then make a spectacular comeback that still isn’t enough for a Gelato and three seconds of Richie vs. anti-antiperspirant.
Speaking of Keira, we should mention that the razor wit of her online haters has reached new heights and Rico reckons if we die in the next ten minutes it will be with HILARITY etched on our death certificates.
We see what you did there, Monica. Or at least that’s the story we’re sticking to…
Anyhoo, off to their reward go the Blue Team and Janey tells Richie she’s particularly excited because her dream is to live in a market where she sleeps in a stall and gets wakened every morning by a crotchety fruit salesman who hasn’t got enough dump bags for his Labrador.
Richie reckons this is cool but is interested to know if Janey has other passions like sports or… sports.
‘Fuck, no!’ confesses Janey and Richie looks sad because without conversation he’s relying on a vigorous game of Not Sex to get them through their wedding night.
Next up for some personal time is Tiffany who tells him how close her fellow Bachelorettes have come to being coated in chunks at the two previous rose ceremonies. She then describes a thing called a ‘vomit angel’, presumably because she watched Sam and Richie’s Final Three snow date and isn’t claiming original material.
And finally it’s Tolyna who gives us the most painful conversation thus far because either she’s a split personality or she’s fucking with him so hard it’s a miracle he’s not bleeding from the asshole.
‘I just want someone to crack into it!’ she insists, treating Richie to a blink-free stare and the first sign he should call for Security.
She then explains that she may be 32 but she’s not ready for kids, which she thinks is a good thing considering her lengthy family history of MAD WOMAN IN THE ATTIC. Richie nods as best he can and tells her that he’s also keen for travel – but only if it’s on a different flight and with someone else’s name on the ticket.
Amazingly it’s Tolyna who suggests they get back to the safety of lighting and numbers and Rico reckons if Richie doesn’t ditch her at the next Rose Ceremony, we may have a contender for our new favourite person.
On to the Cocktail Party and there’s lots of talk about whether Alex will use her White Rose or refrain from being a time-stealing slut-bag.
No way will she, says Sasha, but here comes the twist because RICHIE is the one to suggest they adjourn to their second-story love nest and we tip our hat to you, producers, oh yes we do.
Back on the level and the girls pass the time dissecting the Richie-Megan pash and whether there was tongue involved or just Richie’s chapped, freckly lips.
‘Definitely tongue’ insists Sophie, who appears to be Megan’s BFF and has no qualms breaking her confidence harder than the fresh seal on a four-litre boxed claret.
According to the Love of Our Lives, Keira, the White Rose in the ‘right hands’ is an advantage, whereas in the ‘wrong hands’ it’s just a flower wielded by an opportunistic cunt.
Up in White Rose Hideaway, though, and the Richster has his hand on Alex’s leg telling her she can ‘pull it out’ whenever she feels like it.
Because the last time a man told her this it resulted in a child, Alex is less than keen and changes the subject to how she was thinking of naming their hideaway ‘the Bach cave’ but now wants something completely unrelated to her vagina.
Back down below and the girls are looking at their watches and wondering how long Alex can put up with Richie’s stench before gasping for a ventilator.
Oh but look-ee here because it’s time for the Rose Ceremony!
Here’s Osher with his plump tits squashed in a blue suit reminding everyone that Megan pashed hard for her floristry. He then reveals that THREE will be leaving tonight and because Tolyna spent her alone-time dribbling like the lost daughter of Mad Mel Gibson, the camera immediately pans to her.
First to be called is Noni, followed by Kiki, Nikki, Olena, Keira (hooray!), Dr Yang and Alex. Next to be called is Faith, followed by Rachel, Sophie, Georgia, Sasha and Eliza. All of which means that Tiffany is gone; our lives will now be bereft of Janey; and Tolyna dug herself in so deep it’s lucky Osher still had that crane for the Rose Ceremony.
As the girls say their goodbyes, Richie furrows his brow and looks perplexed that he sent the one Michael Turnbull wanted to root home. In the limo, Janey says that she wants to ‘start a family’ and begin her ‘once upon a time’ – just not with Richie because that would clearly blur the lines of consent.
Next up on The Richelor and there’s footage of ludicrously photogenic person, Faith, in a pool and Keira in a ballgown, followed by Rachel calling her ‘the wicked witch’ because someone paid her and if she really feels that way she’s dead to us.
Until tomorrow night, lovers!