Hola, lovers! Who else woke up this morning with the burning desire to throw a yam into the microwave and introduce it to your tonsils without a prenup?
Us, lovers! Us! THIS is what we’ve been waiting for all these years, not Ryan Gosling or the hot guy Johnny Depp used to be. Root vegetables, lovers! ROOT VEGETABLES!
You know, we’ve watched the first few episodes of The Bachelorette with enjoyment but not much hope that Chad would take us higher than that fist of unidentified sandwich filler he barely scraped from his fangs in time for the last rose ceremony. But last night proved us wrong because Chad is clearly not just a man on the verge of imploding into a trillion shards of Chris Brown, he’s also creative when it comes to the fruit ‘n veg aisle and likely to be one of the 0.5% of people with a Zucchini Drawer built into their bedside table.
Oh Chad, you had us at Mystery Meat but we’ll be yours forever now we’ve witnessed your tender treatment of the humble sweet potato.
Anyhoo, other than first-basing with fresh produce, Chad also did a fair bit of chest-thumping and shirt pulling and inviting other bachelors to take not-so-romantic strolls outside in the moonlight. One such lucky invitee was Army Alex who caused a peculiar stir in my southern parts when he stared-down Chad and his additional 20 floors of shredded muscle without soiling himself.
Then there was plucky little erectile dysfunctionist, Ethan, who figured it would be great fun to poke the bear in his testicles and watch it lay waste to the nearest Leonardo DiCaprio. Unfortunately for Ethan there were no Leo’s to be found and a game of musical chairs quickly devolved into Ethan’s t-shirt getting a scoop-neck.
‘What was that?’ wondered poor bewildered Jo-Jo who, despite being fresh from listening to the tale of a chemically enhanced dunder-beast called ‘Cad’ whose penis would only be visible through the Hubble Telescope, hadn’t expected any fisticuffs.
Into this atmosphere of sharing and love came Chad himself, his job to follow the other bachelors’ example and tell lies about losing his virginity at 16. To the shock-that-shortly-became-joy of Alex, however, he instead chose to tell Jo-Jo their pasts were dead to him and their future was all about taking a ride on the unpeeled root vegetable express. Right Now.
Oh Chad, it’s a rare thing to feel such a curious mix of nausea and joy and wanting to die and perhaps we now know the real reason that little girl yakked all over Paula Abdul.
Still, what’s an enormous beefcake to do other than shrug his shoulders and yank open the chiller and reach for an edible tuber? We applaud your coping mechanisms, Chad. We really do.
The fun didn’t stop there though because Ethan still existed and Chad still wanted to inspect his face with his fists. Still, the thought of the root vegetable must have calmed him somewhat because he chose a wall instead and came away with bloodied knuckles, rather than the teeth that Ethan would certainly miss when meeting his next client.
Speaking of ratings, cue the ‘security guard’ who was clearly trained at the Homer Simpson Institute and looked about as likely to break up a scuffle as Dakota Fanning.
Anyhoo, what else? Oh yes, lazy penis fixer-upper, Ethan, took great steps to tell Jo-Jo about Chad’s 1% nice guy, 99% OJ Simpson personality and got a rose tucked into his child’s size suit jacket for his trouble.
The sight of said-rose infuriated the Chadster and he couldn’t stop himself having a Matrix moment in front of Jo-Jo and the other bachelors by questioning whether Ethan and his rose stub were ‘real’ or Laurence Fishbourne in a rubber trench coat.
Jo-Jo of course acted affronted that anyone would suggest her attraction to Ethan was ratings-based rather than the WHITE HOT burn a woman naturally feels for a petite man who’s already changed three children’s worth of nappies and happens to grope phallus for a living.
So thrilled was Ethan that he couldn’t resist spreading the news of JoJo’s desire to add to his child army, to his child army.
‘Daddy kissed JoJo!’ he squealed to the cameras and Rico reckons if said children are not already in therapy, it’s probably much, much too late.
What else happened? Oh yes the guy with the guitar who was clearly chosen because his natural swing dancing ability was worse than JoJo’s got the second one-on-one date.
Oh who are we kidding: Jo-Jo danced like she had double peg legs and a racoon making mischief in her back passage. Not even that lovely spotted dress and the fleet of people who fling for a living could stop Rico reaching for his port glass and wishing it was filled with cyanide.
The final bit of fun and games, though, was Ethan coming to the end of his JoJo-kiss high and seeking another by squealing on Chad to Chris Harrison.
Chris, of course, promised to take the situation in hand and did a fine job of pretending that the bloated security dwarf wasn’t on-site at his bidding.
‘Find a way to
finish settle this’ he John Kreesed to Chad’s Johnny Lawrence later in the day, and just like that we got the cliffhanger of our wildest brute dreams and the possibility that on the next episode Chad will get a crane to the face.
Until part 2, lovers!