Hola, lovers! What a delightful stoush was last night’s Grand Final! Lauren and Carmine really put their hairy Italiano backs into it and, even though they didn’t walk away with the two fiddy k, they ensured that from now on when Australia thinks about them, they won’t just be picturing Spaghetti in a Bag.
Ok we’re kidding. We’ll always think of the spag-bag and how when you held it up to the light it was like looking at an ultrasound of Rosemary’s Baby. But after last night we’ll also think about how they nearly broke Drasko’s sous vide record and how people on the balcony seemed to be genuinely rooting for them – or just rooting because they were bored.
Tasia and Gracia, though, were the ones who ended the night with confetti in awkward places and the sudden realisation that a coffee that costs $7 will no longer make their phantom testicles shoot up into their body cavities and dislodge said confetti. That’s right, lovers, they shoved their exceptional Indonesian Street Food so far down the judges throats their rings burst into spontaneous flame, their clothing incinerated and with the glorious spectacle of Fergus cavorting naked in the fire, not one judge had the heart to pull out less than a ten.
Or something like that anyway.
Anyhoo, because every man and their dog who might just be more enlightened and wittier than ours has already recapped this (we’re looking at you, Ben Pobjie), we thought we’d do something a bit different and check in on all the teams who didn’t make it to the Grand Final and see what’s happened to them since the bright lights dimmed and grim reality stepped in and demanded its dinner.
Presenting: Flawless and Rico’s Where Are They Now?
Eve and Jason
Known for their house-on-a-hill and making everyone eat dinner in the shed not entirely vacated by livestock (Manu), Eve and Jason have enjoyed the quiet life since the show ended and only occasionally have to chase curious dentists off their property.
Jessica and Marcos
Fitness fans who chose to serve vegetarian for reasons that still bewilder, Jessica was one of the early season ‘villains’ who shocked Australia when she accused Manu of using his Fit Bit for trips to the refridgerator. Nowadays, Jessica is a permanent fixture in change rooms around the country offering much-needed assessments of people’s looks, whilst Marcos has gone back to his boxing bag with renewed vigor, because now when he lands a right hook he’s picturing his own face.
Nev and Kell
The original Western Australian bogans who hailed from a suburb Real Estate Agents still preface with the sign of the cross, the pair became notorious when the news broke that Nev was actually Kell’s children’s uncle and, no, he hadn’t wandered onto the set by accident. Now happily engaged, Nev and Kell are back to swigging long necks at parent-teacher nights and threatening to cater their own wedding.
JP and Nelly
The love affair that began when JP’s attempts at plain old office sexual harassment backfired are still going strong, with reports suggesting Nelly is keen to market a line of ‘bedroom inspired’ tea bags for women whose partners refuse to properly wash their balls.
Mitch and Laura
The don’t-call-us-hippy kids, Mitch is back on the farm and grateful for pigs who don’t complain when they find a Crotch Vegas tumbleweed in their club sandwiches. In between studying to save lives, Mitch enjoys breeding lambs for slaughter and reading postcards from Laura who is currently in Thailand busting teeth with her feet for prize money.
Mike and Tarq
The father with the bad jokes and the son who turned to cooking rather than violence as a way to deal with it have lain low since the show, with reports suggesting that Tarq has been working on his fitness so as to minimise the chances of dying and having his father still alive to write his eulogy.
Alex and Gareth
The miners who were desperate to leave the single-toothed prostitutes of Kalgoorlie behind them, have enjoyed much female attention since the show wrapped and still aim to open up their own cafe where only fit chicks who aren’t their girlfriends will have access to the Manager’s Office.
Zana and Gianni
Early threats for the big prize and as popular with the Australian People as asbestos, Gianni is back to picking the spinach out of his orthodontisry before court proceedings, while Zana hopes Channel 7 will make the most of her ability to turn her face into a sphincter by offering her the hosting gig on First Dates.
Monique and Sarah
Employees of the local constabulary, Monique and Sarah showed Australia that fear of arrest should not be the only reason to decline their invitation to dinner. Back working the beat, Sarah still pines for a career where her boobs can be appreciated while Monique has her goals set on one day catching Lauren speeding so she can beat her face in with a truncheon legally.
Chris and Cookie
The dads whose cooking we barely noticed because Cookie’s enormous boner for Chris kept blocking the screen. Reports suggest Chris has settled back in to family life, while Cookie has come to terms with the fact that he’ll no longer have $250 000 to convince Chris to leave his wife and move to Ibiza.
Dee and Tim
Remember #savetim? That was fun. These days it isn’t used much because people lost interest when the search party was called off and no-one’s keen to get close enough to Dee’s yard to dig for bodies.
Cheryl and Matt
The geriatric-fledgling love affair that set Australia on fire with the torment of forbidden lust. Reports suggest the relationship turned sour when Matty ran out of cash and had to flee back to the waiting flaps of his parents’ wallet. Cheryl on the other hand, hasn’t given up hope of a reunion and spends her evenings penning love letters, watching Outlander and drinking Caesar Salad dressing straight from the bottle.
Anna and Jordan
Beaten by the eventual runners-up, Anna has returned to a life of being chained to the stove while 400 ungrateful offspring call her by her first name. Jordan, meanwhile, is working on a cartoon cookbook for children featuring a misunderstood poached oyster who just wants people to like him.
Luciano and Martino
The all singing, all Manu-seducing Italian Stallions showed so much promise in their first instant restaurant, only to then show so much offensive lasagne in their Sudden Death. These days Martino is about to be announced one of Who Magazine‘s 2016 Most Beautiful People (or at least he should), while Luciano is back on the long haul flights handing out moist towelettes and tutting over anyone who hands him a half-full sick bag.
Rosie and Paige
Best buddies, they survived a fish filleting incident that left Paige in hospital, but were no match for a clash with Zana and her husband’s braces. Today their friendship is stronger than ever – as is their commitment to alcohol and laughing hysterically whenever Rosie’s husband begs her to put down her flagon and parent her children.
Hazel and Lisa
Booted in the Redemption Round along with Monique and Sarah, Hazel’s lethal overbite continues to terrorise other motorists when she drives her convertible with the top down. Lisa, on the other hand, has reportedly forgiven Gareth for his post-show comments against her and hopes they can one day sit down and share a laugh over his severed head.
Oh lovers, I’ll leave you with this final image of the most infinitely humpable, tall glass of Irish gut-rot who ever poured himself out of our screens and unfortunately not into our loins:
Until next year!