Welcome to the Day of Reckoning, lovers. Tonight we find out whether Zana and Gianni will do what the Australian people have been hankering for since Zana first molded her lips into a starfish and squeezed out her thoughts on cooking. Mind you, it’s also possible Australia will be thwarted and Mitch and Laura will be the ones banished and sent back to picking their own mushrooms and ripping the heads off wildlife with their bare, hippy hands.
Speaking of wildlife, last night Anna and Jordan decided to throw Wilbur the Pig on the BBQ because Charlotte is no longer around to write any passive-aggressive shit in her web and little girl Fern is now a forty-something with a meth habit that prevents her from caring. Naturally the Internet was divided into the two camps of ‘but it’s a piglet!’ and ‘hooray, whole bacon!’ and with no surprise whatsoever, Skinny Pete announced himself High Supreme Priestess of the latter.
Also on the menu last night was some squid, fried potatoes which swore blind they were gnocchi, racially inclusive ravioli, a panna cotta in the ever 90s-elegant martini glass, and a bombe alaska that refused to light on fire because it was sick of Jordan cussing his mother around the kitchen.
That’s right, lovers, last night Jordan showed us that he’s not just content to throw a saddle over his mother and ride her all the way to the Grand Final, but he’s also a fan of telling her how to gallop and blaming her when his tea spills over his jodhpurs
Still, what over-coddled man-child wouldn’t, and though Manu gave him a swift rod to the buttocks during judgement, to Jordan’s credit he’d already apologised to his mother and admitted to being moodier than Solange Knowles in an elevator.
What else happened? Oh yes, the tide of Good Public Opinion turned against Mitch and Laura – well, Laura in particular – because when one is facing elimination, fresh faces and bouncing curls no longer seem so adorable and everyone remembers the rumour that Orphan Annie’s real father was Satan.
Anyhoo, it’s not like they said or did anything beyond the typical Bottom of the Leader Board Syndrome, but somehow Australia still managed to act like affronted virgins – especially when Laura didn’t faint in front of the genius of a plate of meat paired with the saddest, spinster carrot known to mankind.
But enough of that because according to tonight, Zana will make more faces – especially when Manu pulls something out of his food that looks suspiciously like Gianni’s braces. There’s also a lovely shot of Laura fending off an invisible attacking penis, all of which leads us rather forcibly to the conclusion that a colossal fark-up is on the cards.
Sure, MKR. Suuuuuuuuuure. Just so you know: we’ll believe it when Skinny Pete pirouettes out of the closet and Fergus turns up for work without a a litre of scotch taped to his in-seam.
Until tonight, lovers!