Evening, lovers, it’s a somber night here at Flawlessvision because Rocky got his Oscar snatched away by some toff and not even a bear vigorously romancing Leonardo DiCaprio could win best picture.
Anyhoo, this is going to be a quick one because there’s only so much you can report on three courses that tasted good and a man who cries harder than than Gwyneth Paltrow in a pink frock.
Fuck you, Oscars! That’s the last reference you’ll be getting out of us! This year anyway…
Right, Cookie and Chris have known each other since they were eye-level to a wine rack but without the dexterity to crack open a bottle and drink it. Chris is a physiotherapist who gives sensual massage under the guise of being a ‘doctor’. Cookie is a dietitian who gives food advice under the guise of a massive bill. Both have wives, kids and the firm belief that Cookie won’t get through the first course on a single box of tissues.
Nosh tonight is cheese souffle, pork-on-pork and chocolate mousse with some crunchy bits. Their Instant Restaurant is called Sand and Steel; sand for the beach and steel because their dads worked until their sphincters bled digging tunnels for rich people.
Onto the cooking and Cookie burns the first lot of ice cream mix and manages not to cry. Chris uses the ‘unctuous’ word and says he hopes Rachel says it because last time he came so hard in his pants he blew a hole in his maxi pad.
Cooking cooking boring ugh – let’s get on to the other teams.
Right, here’s Jason who says Cookie is a ‘blubber boy’ who also fancies a bit of a cry. Oh and here’s Lauren who says losing sucks and who knew spaghetti in a bag could be a colder bitch than Lady Mary.
In they go and unlike last night Hazel’s eyeliner is rancid at the wheel and burning rubber up to her forehead. Lisa’s is shit too and Rico mutters he’d do anything for a wet wipe and a cautionary photo of Dave Navaro.
Into the dining room and Lisa is still nursing herself over their team score because with all the love she’s got for rogue body hair, she hasn’t got any left for cheaters.
Right, souffle gets one cook, ice cream is done and bang on time here comes Rachel in another twin set and Fergus with a spring to his hungover step which suggests he’s pinned the dads as his winners.
Dining room. Tim loves the funny names on the menu because he’s bored with his safe word. Hazel wants stinky cheese because she’s one half Italian and the other half confused. Lauren tells everyone these three courses are the best. Ever. Like ever. Lisa wants Lauren to get Herpes.
Souffles are done. Veges are done. Plates go out. Sly still doesn’t win an Oscar.
Rachel asks about the cheese because she’s a high functioning ‘cheeseaholic’ who certainly doesn’t have a block of Coon in her desk drawer. Fergus wanted more crunchy stuff on top. They both like it.
Other teams also like it. Lauren likes it so hard her right hand isn’t seen for the next ten minutes. Lisa thinks she’ll wank over a picture of 90s Brian Austin Green. Hazel reminds everyone she’s Italian. Rico begs for me to end it.
Pork time. Jus time. Raisin jam time. Fuck raisin jam. Sprouts – ooh!
Power cut. Chris and Cookie can’t find each other. Lots of giggling and bumping around. Lights come on just as they start kissing.
Back at the table. Fergus reveals he’s a Pork Ambassador. Mike repeats his own jokes. Jason wants to penetrate The Magic Beast with his rogue fang.
Kitchen. Cookie wants to cook medium. Not everyone likes medium. Cookie cries. Chris pats Cookie. Cookie miraculously better and hard.
Plating: mash carpet. Pork. Carrots. Stingy sprout leaves. Chris hugs Cookie. Cookie tears up. Chris tells him to picture something funny like his wedding night.
Main is served. Everyone’s impressed. Fergus says pork cooking is risky business. Cookie gets moist. Hazel likes seeing Cookie moist. Hazel gets moist. Rachel wishes the spud had coated her mouth. Fergus gets moist.
Other teams quite like it. Dee’s pork was dry. So was Carmine’s. Lauren thinks the entree was better. Lisa thinks her mouth would be better shut and beaten purple.
Dessert. Mousse and ice cream done. Praline and coulis to go. Chris calls Cookie ‘Sugar’. Rico acknowledges better than ‘dog’.
Plating. Mousse looks like cake. Cocoa powder is the new Fuze Iced Tea.
Service. Fergus didn’t get crunch. Rachel says ‘unctuous’. Says powder coated her mouth. No longer a good thing.
Mike chokes on cocoa. Tarq laughs. Mike recovers breath. Tarq no longer laughing.
Scoring. Jason thinks ‘magical night’ so 9. Carmine, Lauren, Lisa, Hazel, Dee and Tim 8s. Mike and Tarq a miserly 7. Mike because he nearly died. Tarq because he didn’t.
Judges. Eight and seven for entree. Nines main. Sevens dessert. Cookie weeps. Don’t let the tree branches impale you on the way down, Mike and Tarq.
Next Dee and Tim. Dee says Tim’s going to cry. Tim promises he will.
Until next time, lovers!