MKR: Mike and Tarq Cook Good: Lauren and Carmine Score Baaaaad

25 Feb

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Morning Dogs! You’ll forgive me for stealing a line out of Mike and Tarq’s playbook but considering they cooked so above averagely last night. I thought they might deserve it.

You know, funny thing about Tarq, but he reminds me of a young ginger chap I went to high school with (shocking that I went to HS I know, but, honestly, I had to learn all my curse words somewhere). Anyhoo, Tarq’s doppleganger wasn’t a very nice boy and his main claim to fame involved a party, a lot of Tropicana and a pack of frozen sausages. The few times that I’ve thought about that most unpleasant of creatures since is to imagine him in some sort of maximum security penitentiary – either that or a job in Government. Actually, no – I wouldn’t wish a job in Government on anybody. Except maybe Matthew Newton.

Anyhoo I digress! Rico reckons he almost forgave Mike his floppy little dad jokes last night in the face of Tarq’s mastery with that coconut shaver and frightening competence in the kitchen. And when the whole leeks-and-prawns-in-the-same-pan went down, how lovely that he didn’t pull out a nine wood and send Mike’s sweaty head soaring into the rough.

Out in the dining room things were a little less collegiate, and not just because Fergus had a humidity afro and Rachel was wearing a normal shade of lipstick. Remember last night how Lauren and Carmine got an, admittedly, bended-over-and-firmly-rogered team score? Well last night they let the other teams know they took that number, divided it by five and and then stayed awake until dawn plotting vengeance!

Among those who didn’t take it so well were Hazel and Lisa because if they’ve got a bad bone between them it’s probably part of a child that Dee finished earlier. Speaking of Dee, she kept mouth firmly SHUT – even though everyone and their myopic dog knows her stomach was still bitching and moaning about that three.

At the end of the night Lauren and Carmine (or rather Lauren and her husband who’s aware where his next root is coming from) lived up to their threats and scored Mike and Tarq a five. Five for a blended prawn spear because there was a chunk of garlic in it! Five for a gorgeous curry that was, admittedly, greener than what the Dog throws up after a night on the creme de menthe! Rico reckons the only thing that actually warranted that score was the ‘baked pina colada’ – partly for skimping on the booze (we feel you, Fergus, we feel you SO HARD) and partly for being a pina colada which is the cocktail equivalent of a spade to the testicles wielded by that blown-up helium monkey we saw last night on First Dates.

See you Sunday, lovers!

xo Flawless


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