Well, lovers, for those of you who managed to crawl out of the corner you spent last night rocking in, there’s some good news and some bad news:
The bad news, of course, is that last night was no nightmare and Gianni and Zana not only topped the Leader Board but are still alive, well, filthy rich and probably still drunk on Smugwine.
The good news is that tonight is a clean slate and clean slates are filled with the promise of even more severe personality defects and awkward sexual pairings – only this time without any inconvenient cooking ability.
First up to track red dust on our nice blank canvas are the ‘miners who are fine diners’, Alex and Gareth. Unlike the miners we’re used to seeing on our TVs sculling VB and assaulting non-white people on Australia day, these two are hella into fitness, skinny jeans and shirts so scooped out at the top you can see both breasts and the tip of a cheeky knob-end.
According to the footage, these two have had nine beautiful years of big trucks, hard hats and wishing their mine site attracted better prostitutes. Their dream is to leave it all behind and start up their own grill, because the great thing about being your own boss is being able to serve whatever you want, despite what the customers might order off the menu.
Off shopping they go and on the menu tonight is Asian followed by Asian followed by SUGAR! First off is the fish shop for some crabs and then it’s off to Coles where they spend precious minutes staring in vain at the tinned peaches and wondering where in Asian Speciality Foods are the Lychees.
‘They’re in Asian Specialty Foods’ explains a helpful employee, and the boys waste no time grabbing their cans and then the lychees.
Back in the car and Alex is either ‘looking at the clock’ or ‘looking at cock’, with either scenario just as likely. Gareth reckons that when they’re under stress they laugh a lot and they’re always laughing up at the mine because angry bogans get to play with explosives.
Set-up time and there’s much cackling and merriment, not just because they’re an hour behind but because this is clearly not their house and now they get to fill it with rusted machinery. Their Instant Restaurant is called ‘Garden of Mine’ and, fun fact, when Rico plugged that into Google this came up:
Interesting, boys. Very. Interesting.
Speaking of interesting, but only because we haven’t tired of their yapping yet, here come the other teams lead by the notorious Jessica and her thigh-high opaque leg condoms. There’s also a pair of Italians constantly bickering about which one smells the most like garlic, two sisters who will never fight over the same boyfriend and possible ex-bikies and duck genital enthusiasts, Nev and Kell.
‘Shit they’re here!’ giggle the boys, and Gareth says that not long ago he was sitting in the cab of a dump truck, and now here he is about truck dump over a cab-load of strangers!
In come the other teams and Jessica and her white thrombosis hose thinks they’re stiff because what red-blooded man on earth wouldn’t be? Tasia and Gracia, on the other hand, think they’re hipsters and, considering Gareth’s tiny top-knot, lucky to make it out of the mines alive.
Back to the kitchen they go to shell some crabs, cook some crabs, make some curry paste and generally talk about how everyone seems really friendly, if not even remotely good looking.
Back at the table and hooray! for the boring back stories which tells us the Italians are not French, JP was once a grabby boss, and the only nuts Nev’s likely to come across are the ones his wife snatched from between his thighs.
Oh yes and the sisters secretly hate each other and Jessica and Marcos met in third grade and have been exercising to cover their lack of sexual tension ever since. The best quote of the lot comes from Jess who says she ‘fuels her body with the right foods so she has the energy to live the lifestyle she wants’- which, judging by the footage, is all about serving food to people and daring them to point out that her dress doesn’t cover her vagina.
Back in the kitchen and while Gareth hacks oranges into munted chunks and Alex wishes his hair were long enough for a man-bun, the judges arrive – Pete looking whippet thin in his drain pipes, and Manu looking like a partially shaven beaver in a table cloth.
Into the dining room and the roar of the crowd go the judges where Martino thinks that Skinny Pete is ‘hypnotic’ and Kell thinks Manu just let one.
The menu, not being full of minimum chips and Snickers Bars hot from the glove box, causes many raised eyebrows, and Kell reckons she’ll be impressed if they can pull one off and get three courses out to the judges.
While the boys head back to the kitchen to ensure there’s enough shell in Nev’s crab, Jessica announces that she dislikes chocolate because one time she got this ginormous boil on her face and not one fucker could notice the difference.
‘Do you think it’s because you don’t like to step out of the box?’ wonders Skinny Pete, and Rico mutters that it shouldn’t be about Jessica stepping out of her box, but someone putting a lock on it, zipping past some Orcs and then throwing it into Mount Doom.
Back in the kitchen and even though Tasia and Gracia went to great lengths to describe a Miang as a ‘wrap’, the boys have gone with a flat banana leaf and a pile of crab-splattered oranges.
Still, out they go and the boys are confident that this could be the dish that gets them out of the mines and into sock-less loafers and waistcoats.
Anyhoo, the judges taste and Pete breaks the news that the menu whispered all sorts of sweet promises in his ear and that the menu is a fucking liar. Manu agrees and points out that the last time there was this much orange on his plate, Pete had mistaken the sherry for the coulis and toppled face-first into his gumbo.
Rico reckons the look on Gareth’s face is that of the innocent child who’s just been told that Santa Claus is a fister. Kell reckons her heart breaks for them, but not enough to hoover up Manu’s left over citrus.
While the boys head back to the kitchen to admire all the unused dressing, Gracia rather politely describes it as ‘different’, while Tasia says it was ‘missing a kick’ – possibly the one that just connected with her bowels. Of the other teams, Nev needs just one more shell piece to complete the original carapace, and Jessica thinks that if this was the boys’ idea of a fight, they might want to stick with the disabled or elderly.
Back in the kitchen and because the judges whined about the entree dressing, this curry’s getting more chilies than a Mexican enema.
Back in the dining room and Jessica has another food aversion that she needs everyone to be aware of: rice.
‘I don’t like to be addicted to anything other than exercise, healthy living and behaving like a self-loathing ring piece’ she insists, before adding that ‘light rice’ is good, ‘trying things’ is better, and swallowing is for women looking to land a husband.
Back in the kitchen and the duck has gone from the pan to the oven and somehow managed to lose all its crispy skin. Still, they’re happy with the insides and despite the fact that the sauce is uncomfortably beige and looks about as red curry as a Vegemite scroll, they’re chuffed to bits and dash them into the dining room with much ill-advised confidence.
Oh but hang on a minute! The judges actually like it! No comments on the plating, the lack of resting, the terrifyingly neutral sauce. In fact, the only critique is the rubbery skin and while Manu says it’s not the best curry he’s ever had, he certainly won’t be sending it back to the kitchen with a bent-over chef figure scrawled on his napkin.
Back in the kitchen and the boys are so thrilled they bump chests without thinking about the exposed state of each others’ nipples.
Back in the dining room and Nelly thinks it’s amazing, Nev needs to say ‘duck’s nuts’ because it’s, you know, duck, and Jessica didn’t eat the skin because Marcos forgot to pack their purging sporks.
Off to the kitchen again and Alex is working hard on the cake mix while Gareth sprinkles some flour around the ramekins. Cue Manu who can’t discuss the oozing of lava cake and two men in the kitchen without becoming too moist to function. With a final sweaty caress of Alex’s bicep, he flees back to the table, there to cool himself off on the frigid shower that is Jessica’s personality.
With the cakes in the oven, talk turns to their ‘surprise honeycomb’ which is – wait for it! – honeycomb. Into the oven it goes and there’s much giggling because they’re still horribly nervous and there’s no time to cup each others balls and choke their way through a green smoothie.
Speaking of cupping balls, Martino has warmed his hands and has his sights set on saucy Manu. Never one to let the attention drift elsewhere, however, Jessica reckons it’s time to talk more about her stupid diet: specifically that chocolate isn’t allowed and if any of her friends turn up to her house with a Twix in their hand bag, they’ll have the wrong house because Marco doesn’t own a handbag.
Back in the kitchen and even though Manu wanted the cakes on the table straight from the oven, the boys are farting around with watery, yellow sauce and the honeycomb that will supposedly deliver more shock than Jesus asking for more fish.
Finally they go out and while Pete’s oozes like a post-birth vagina, Manu’s is just a moist cake that’s had a run-in with a Crunchy.
‘Ah told you to move fast’ he mutters, glaring piggily over at Pete’s.
‘Well mine was technically perfect!’ says Pete, who adds that this’, of course, is with the exception of the sauce and the honeycomb which are seconds away from sending him into a diabetic coma.
As for the other teams, only Jessica’s seemed to ooze because God is sadistic and enjoys a good belly laugh as much as the next evil bastard. Martino is the most upset and tells a sumptuous story of beauty and hope and food that tastes like charred bodies.
Team scoring is pretty standard with Tasia and Gracia scoring a six, Nev and Kell a sneaky four and everyone else a five. Then it’s the judges who give fours and fives for entree, eights for main, and a six (Skinny Pete) and four (bitter Manu) for dessert.
All of which takes them to a grand total of 60 and a legacy of hosting a completely fucking boring Instant Restaurant.
Next up are the Italians and the promised Jessica Incident which better live up to its hype or we’ll have to get way drunker than usual. Oh, who are we kidding, we’re always way drunker than usual.
Enjoy your three day MKR break, lovers! Dangly Pete will be recrapping First Dates once again so if your stomach managed to weather Jessica’s thigh-socks and pink sandals, stay tuned!