Well, lovers, tonight was one of those episodes now wasn’t it. The food was good, the restaurant looked pretty, the errors were minor and, worst of all, these two didn’t even lay a foul tongue down on each other.
And they call themselves brother and sister!
Anyhoo, it’s times like this that we thank the sweet gods for Zana and Cheryl, because where on earth would we have been without The Face and The Mouth and The Teeth, and the 50 something woman who taught sweet, young Matty how to service the elderly.
More on that later.
Still, there’s no putting it off so let’s get down to it.
Here we are in some sort of semi-rural area of Victoria with 20 year old Mitch who loves to surf, and 18 year of Laura who loves brains, heads and stomachs – just not necessarily in that order.
Apparently people have been commenting on their hair their whole lives, so tonight they want to impress with their food and avoid saying anything that paints them as a pair of hippies.
As we mentioned before, young Laura is a fan of the Earth to Plate philosophy, in which people literally scoop up what their dog delivered and then serve it to a roomful of their in laws, or in this case, strangers.
According to Laura, old people just don’t have the raw passion of their younger counterparts – with the exception of Cheryl who could clearly root any 25 year old under the table.
Anyhoo, off to do a spot of shopping they go and the first and most important stop is the butcher who is somehow expected to stock things like Venison and Wild Boar and Core Fat.
In what surely must be a sign that God favours them, the butcher has all three – only the boar is a touch on the thin side and that means their grand plan of roasting the shit out of it is back to the drawing board.
Over with the judges though and Pete reckons both the entree and main leave a lot up to the imagination and right now he’s imagining sides with zero carbohydrates. Manu agrees and loves the ‘foresty’ nature of their menu and what a shame his Asterix costume is at the cleaners.
‘Obelix you mean’ mutters Skinny Pete under his breath, before going back to checking ‘black forest cake’ in his Calorie Counter.
Back to the kids though because they’ve arrived home and have only a short amount of time to set up the Magic Faraway Tree on their patio.
According to Laura, Zana will hate their set up because she’s the kind of person who sees a tiny chipmunk crawl out of a tree and then sets it on fire. Mitch doesn’t say anything probably because Zana is hot and 20 year old boys give not a single fuck if hot girls leave a trail of charred woodland creatures in their wake.
Fifty minutes into their cooking time they finally start poking around with ingredients. Rico reckons it’s wonderful that they both took the time to tie their hair up because no one wants their venison served with a side of never washed hippy locks.
Anyhoo it’s all really incredibly boring and nothing goes wrong and there’s plenty of time for Mitch to get changed into his braces and Laura to don a floor length crochet-something that she’d swear blind wasn’t purchased from Gypsy Rose.
Outside, though, the other teams are arriving and Zana is unimpressed that she’s expected to walk through the mud without so much as a prostrate servant between it and her shoes. Police person, Sarah, on the other hand is ‘expecting good meat’ – just not duck because those bitches are bad to the bone.
In come the other teams and Jordan gushes about how much he loves the ‘hippy vibe’ because what else is that hemp smell and the crochet frock.
Elderly sex-fiend, Cheryl, thinks it’s tres romantic, and was half-expecting softly falling snow or three buff firemen stripped to their foreskins.
According to Mitch (presumably because Laura is choking on something), the name of their restaurant ‘The Pines’ represents everything ‘natural and clean’ – and yes they know that means Manu, along with some others, will be totally out of place.
Anyhoo, back to the kitchen they go, which gives Monique and Sarah the chance to get to know all the people who bitched about their food the day before. What all this means, of course, is that it’s time for Zana and Gianni to admit to being lawyers and the first Great White Hype feud of the season to commence.
According to Zana, cops are complete cunts who never back down on a speeding ticket and have the shitty habit of letting Aboriginal people drop dead in custody. According to Monique, that’s totally not the case and ‘sweetheart’ better remember who she’s talking to if she doesn’t want to maybe not wake up in lock-up with a mouth full of taser.
Back in the kitchen and while Mitch is wrapping the venison in the core fat, Laura is giving a scintillating visual demonstration of just which organs of the deer she usually rips it from.
‘Please don’t embarrass me by crying or sucking his cock or anything this time’ Mitch begs Laura, referring to the previous night where Manu’s sheer non-existent sexual magnetism had Laura in an acute state of Clitoris Mortis.
Into the restaurant go the judges where everyone reads the menu and Cheryl rubs a quick one off over the Wild Boar. Then it’s back to the kitchen for the kids and time for Zana to realise the termites on the table aren’t presented as appetisers.
‘Dirt makes me SICK!’ she explains to Sarah and Monique. ‘Termites are dirty. Pigs are dirty! I fucking HATE pigs!
In the kitchen and the venison is a bit overcooked which means the only option is to throw a shit load of berries on it and forget to put on the sauce.
Out they go and because there’s cloches on the plates there’s a lot of oohing and aahing and Paige arguing with Manu that he owes her a tenner.
After the initial releasing of the smoke there’s a fair bit of inspecting each other’s meat by the judges which Rico says is completely normal, just not usually in this timeslot. It’s at this time that Laura realises the jus for the venison is still sitting in the pan and calling the pair of them brainless hippies.
According to Manu, he feels like he’s in the middle of the forest and that means he can take a dump without leaving the table. According to Skinny Pete, their presentation means they are taking this seriously, but what a shame there’s more to cooking than depressing the button on a toaster.
With the kids chased back to the kitchen, Jordan announces that his food is so good he wants to ‘live there’ – or maybe just roll around it in naked. Zana, of course, doesn’t understand what he’s talking about because there’s a fight going on in her mouth between the deer and her plastic veneers, and every man and their Dog is rooting for the deer.
‘I’m just really upset about my meat!’ she complains, which has Rosie and Paige rolling their eyes and Gianni whining that she promised.
Back in the kitchen and the decision has been made to pan sear the boar and live with the bitter complaints about the lack of consistency. There’s also about a million different things going on the plate with it, including another jus which has other plans entirely.
‘There’s something wrong with this!’ snaps Laura, with no idea that the jus has become self-aware and that no amount of salt or pepper or sugar is going to stop it from soiling itself.
Back in the dining room and while Paige is worried they might be served a head on a plate, Zana is using the opportunity of a Wild Boar main to extrapolate on her hatred of the police.
‘I mean, I’m not a seventeen year old repeat offender so why should I have the taste of PIG in my MOUTH?’ she screeches.
‘I used to chase pigs’ beams mad-old-root Cheryl, before admitting that her hip replacement put an end to that and now she just hangs out in bars and offers to buy them drinks.
‘OMG!!!’ squeals Monique. ‘That reminds me of this hilarious story that I totally haven’t told a thousand times about this kid whose dad had fluffy handcuffs in his drawer and he told me about it at a question and answer day at school and I guess he was a minor and didn’t have a guardian present but who cares because I had that old bastard arrested and sent to prison for LIFE! Yay for the police!’
Thankfully into the following awkward silence come the mains and Monique, who is still dark that no one really got how awesome her story is, mutters that a small part of her hopes it sucks, and that small part of her is actually her whole body.
After tasting Pete brings up the elephant in the room which, for once, isn’t the fact that Matty should be humping someone his own age.
‘Do you call this roasted?’ he asks, to which Mitch explains that their butcher shafted them and will shortly be trying to start his car with sunflower seeds and hemp oil in his fuel tank.
Both judges address the need for a jus to combat the cranberry sauce, and Manu says that his ‘vision’ of a full roasted boar on a spit and a nubile young peasant girl to wipe the grease off his forearms was sadly not granted. Still, they both have a lot of nice things to say and when the kids return to the kitchen it’s with the knowledge that even they are bored with the high standard of their cooking.
Out in the dining room and shock of all shocks Zana is enjoying the pig – but only because it’s stripped of its uniform and cooked into total humiliation.
‘Well I think it’s very TART!’ hisses Monique, looking at Zana, and Rico comments that it was a good try but next time she should really to try and come up with something derogatory about lawyers.
Back in the kitchen and everything’s going utterly boringly well and can’t we just put them at the top of the Leader Board already?
But wait, what’s this? The ice cream isn’t properly set? They’re putting sloppy blobs on the plate? Will this be the disaster that will keep us from glassing ourselves to stay awake?
Of course fucking not.
Back in the dining room and Cheryl is explaining how she not only teaches Matty to use potty, but also to kiss like a real man.
‘It’s all about the loose lips’ she explains, which Rico says is convenient and if Matty’s ever really in doubt he can always practice his technique on her nether regions.
But here come the desserts and Monique is annoyed because here’s the third dish in a row that looks gorge and what are the chances it tastes like post-operation hospital breath?
Oh but here we go: Manu looks at Pete; Pete looks at Manu; Manu looks back at Pete; Pete raises his eyebrows at Manu.
JUST GO AND HAVE A ROOT ALREADY JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!
Anyhoo, it’s awesome and Pete says he couldn’t fault it only actually he can because he didn’t like the brown Mr Whippy.
‘Ah ‘ave to disagree!’ announces Manu, who says, for him, the brown Mr Whippy was tres magnifique and, no, not just because he’s soppy about everything newborn baby.
While the kids hug like bastards in the kitchen, the other teams share their love, with the exception of Gianni who thinks he tasted something bitter and then realised it was just a metaphor for his marriage.
Scoring boring UGH. The police, of course, crack down hard with a seven which is the lowest score from all the teams. Still, they get a combined total of 89 because even though Manu wasn’t a fan of the entree, his flanks are still quivering about the dessert and that means PERFECT TEN!
‘Suck it pigs’ mutters Zana, watching with great pleasure as Monique and Sarah plummet down the Leader Board.
Anyhoo, lovers, next up is grizzly humpador, Cheryl, and her downy-cheeked horizontal dancing partner, Matty, and according to the previews we will finally get an episode that makes the Dog look up from Vogue and Rico launch off the couch and start slurring obscenities at the TV.
We can only hope anyway.