Lovers, you have swayed us to your cause! You may not be the most politically correct, the most attractive or the brightest (blame the Dog for that last one), but your taste in writing is impeccable and without you we would be sitting in a room somewhere sucking port out of a sack and taking naked selfies.
Anyhoo, what all this preamble is leading to is that we have decided to bow down to your wishes (and whining and, quite frankly, threats) and continue to report on the scintillating events of MKR with all the journalistic integrity and hard-hitting exposes you have come to know and occasionally wake up screaming over.
And so, in preparation for committing to the 2016 season, we’ve taken a look at the team promos and write-ups, because judging based on nothing but physical appearance, accent and a determination to defy the pre-decided narrative of Channel 7 is what we (and you, we suspect) exist for
Nev and Kel
A duo comprised of one woman and one man with an unearthly love of water fowl genitalia. She looks like a woman who won’t suffer fools gladly; he looks like a man who suspects he’s a fool and relies on a single catchphrase so he won’t have to answer any questions about physics.
JP and Nelly
According to JP ‘I sort of just open an empty fridge and cook a meal’, which bodes excellently for diners like Skinny Pete who live in fear of ingesting anything resembling calories. According to Nelly, JP likes to lick her face because he knows she hates it, and she likes to kick him square in the nuts because he’s a creepy cunt who won’t stop licking her face.
Alex and Gareth
Supposedly ‘miners who are fine diners’. Potentially also miners who are epically dull considering how much of their clip is devoted to someone called Jessica.
Anna and Jordan
A mother who is used to cooking for anyone who staggers through her front door bellowing for pasta. A son who was confused about his sexuality until he discovered vegetables.
Mitch and Laura
Touted as the youngest team ever on MKR because we all know how Manu feels about fresh meat. He looks like Madonna’s son; she looks like the kind of gal who’d stand in the McDonalds queue for you at 4am while you’re puking into your handbag. Also brother and sister which is exciting because family brings all sorts of deep-seated issues and resentments and kitchens contain knives.
Rosie and Paige
Best friends who ‘can solve the world’s problems with a wine in hand’ but who wake up the next morning with a rotten pig of a hangover and no change to poverty in third world countries. Paige is apparently the funny one who is also childless and therefore has to be. Rosie wants to start a wedding event company because her children are growing up and she can’t imagine her life without whining, fist-fighting and hysteria.
Gianni and Zana
Should simply be known as Zana and her FACE. A pair of lawyers, the show has nicknamed them ‘legal eagles’ because ‘scum’ was considered too progressive and ‘human stain’ now belongs to Mark Latham.
Tasia and Gracia
Described in their blurb as ‘homely cooks’, these two will have to impress in the kitchen so they don’t cry themselves to sleep over Channel 7’s inability to find them attractive. They’re also sisters so hooray for more knife-wielding fun and the possibility one of them once shagged the other’s boyfriend.
Monique and Sarah
A pair of on-the-beat police wenches who can’t be in the same room as Manu without stickying up their knickers. Clearly chosen because Manu is tired of being seen as the bloated one with newborn baby squeeze under his fingernails.
Luciano and Martino
Two men of unknown European background. No doubt the types who will throw a tomato in a pan and then weep at their own genius.
Jessica and Marcos
One half of this team is the woman who will apparently make the entire history of MKR Mean Teams look like Princess Di handing out bunnies at a burns unit. According to the promo, Jessica will take one look at the lumpish body with a questionable French accent on the judging panel, and question whether the running it does is on the street or just off at the mouth. Jessica, we don’t know you, but I think it’s safe to say we love you. Hard.
Cheryl and Matt
There’s no video for these two presumably because the age difference (he is 26, she is 51) is so escandaloso they don’t want people calling Child Protective Services before the show has even begun. According to Matty, society has zero problems with 50 year old men dating 18 year olds, which just goes to show that Matty lives in a Special World where we all didn’t just snort like our lives depended on it over Jerry Hall’s engagement to ten thousand year old mega wallet, Rupert Murdoch. Still, Matty is probably the ‘daddest’-looking 26 year old Rico and I have ever seen and there’s a good chance this is less about breaking down societal norms and more about his inability to read his birth certificate. Keep humping that mutton, Matty!
The Third Judge
While lots have people have been saying Nigella Lawson, the sleuthing suggests it’s this Rachel Khoo person because she was fool enough to wear the same bracelet or some such nonsense. Either way, we know exactly ZERO about her but if we were going to judge her based on this photo we’d say she enjoys decent dental hygiene and, unlike Manu, doesn’t spend her evenings slumped in a bath and head first in a bucket of Homer Hudson’s.
Until February 1st, lovers!