Hola, lovers, answer us this: what is the classiest way for an F-list celebrity, soon to appear in her own reality TV show with her equally F-list fiancee, to stay relevant?
According to The Bachelor‘s own Snezana Markosi, there’s a couple of options to explore, but none better than running a bath, rubbing some Nescafe on your hooters and throwing in a ten year old child who just happens to be your daughter!
Hooray for totally appropriate and completely non-exploitative parenting!
Rico reckons there’s a right way and a wrong way to look at any picture and if you can manage to overlook the blow-up-doll-face, the potential lack of bottoms, the pouting ten year old, the product placement and what looks like a stack of adult diapers in the background, you’d see that there isn’t anything wrong with it.
According to sources, the picture came about after loved up couple Sam and Snez shared their fears that Snezana’s surgically suspended milk rack was no longer inspiring the love of a thousand of the Internet’s finest rapidly pumping fists.
‘They really want to be like the Ally and Noah of 2016, only with a shit load more tits’ explains the source. ‘That beach shot was supposed to break the internet, or at least make it jizz all over itself – as it was it barely even farted!’
The beach photograph in question featured Snezana celebrating the end of her University studies in the time-honored tradition of throwing her bra to the dolphins and posing like her next lunch depended on it.
Unfortunately for the fame-seeking couple, the timing was against them with Ricky Gervais’ Golden Globes performance and David Bowie’s untimely passing breaking into the news that very same day.
‘Sam was devastated’ confesses the source. ‘He always loved David’s music but now all he can think about are those three lousy retweets and how only one person thought Snez was Courtney Stodden. It’s like Bowie stabbed him straight through the heart!
‘It really made them think about their strategy and what they had to do to wrest the attention back to them. Sam’s first idea was to get his dick out – frankly that’s been his idea from the start – but Snez managed to remind him that their target audience is sycophants and perverts, not desperate women who happen to carry around a microscope.’
Oh, lovers, this picture gives me the Woody Allen-style UGHS to the power of ten billion. Here’s hoping Eve shortly crosses into her rebellious years and starts giving these two shameless fame whores the middle finger.