Well, lovers, welcome to the old two-on-one date where, just like pornos, two guys hop aboard but, unlike pornos, only one stays and certainly doesn’t get to cum all over her face.
Cue Osher into a room of waiting boys who get excited at the sight of the date card and then clench up at the knowledge it’s one of THOSE dates and that shit will end badly for fifty percent of the attendees. While Sasha’s ever supple mind grapples to understand the logistics of two men and only one Frosty, Tony and Davey receive the news that they’re the ones on the card and that means they’ll be going head-to-head to see who can most impress with a combination of wit, sensitivity and lying through their teeth.
‘I would have preferred a Single Date’ mutters Tony, getting a head-start in showcasing his gift for the obvious, while Davey pumps his fist because he’s a larrikin and larrikins get up to all sorts of wholesome hijinks like fist-pumping and drawing leaky penises on the faces of their drunk friends.
Here we go though and immediately there’s trouble because Sam is wearing a white dress and Tony still resembles The Great Pumpkin. To the cameras she says that she wants to know if Tony can be light-hearted, as well as impossibly orange, and whether Davey has a mature side or if he really is just a hyperactive little gerbil who shouldn’t have access to the Internet.
First up on this completely unBond-like yacht date is a roulette table where Tony wins the first one-on-one and Davey has the option of waiting patiently or turning the cocktail gherkins into a hideous dress that Sam will wear later.
While he gets to work on the latter, Tony and Sam have a supremely unpleasant conversation at the railing where Sam wants to know what kind of woman he’s after, and Tony basically owns up to being a slightly more orange version of Mr Tickle.
Into this atmosphere of Tony’s wandering paws comes Davey, who has taken a fresh look at his beloved Bro Code and come to the conclusion that it will work a lot better folded into a small parcel and inserted into Tony’s rectum.
‘What kind of man who is clearly not an International Model does that?’ whines Tony to the cameras, before vowing that if Davey ever makes it on to one of his flights, he’ll serve him a child’s meal and turn the seatbelt sign on every time he tries to go to the bathroom.
Off to a couch go Sam and Davey, though, where Sam confesses her fears that Davey is just an immature commitment-phobe and Davey digs deep into his trousers for the sensitive side he prepared earlier.
‘It’s hard for me to give myself to a girl’ he confesses, before adding that the reason he got involved in the show was because Sam was so ‘family oriented’ and that works for him because he’s basically a ready-made child.
‘Cocktail tiiiiiime!’ sings out Tony, appearing from the stairwell and giving not a single fuck when Davey says he wants to take them all to Lunar Park so he and Sam can go on the rides and Tony can make meaningful eye-contact with hot carnies.
Speaking of hot carnies (oh alright not really, but we live in hope) it’s time for the Group Date card to come out at the mansion and Michael to parade around in an Adidas shirt and pretend he’s never shown an harassed family into a two-bedroom dog box and told them to ‘imagine the potential’.
Anyhoo, because this episode is all about torture, the group date is all about kids and not one of the poor bastards is exempt.
‘I think we’ll all have to tap into our nurturing sides’ murmurs our ex-favourite Alex, ‘either that or take some sort of injury early in the piece and spend the rest of the date drinking Lucozade in the sick bay’.
Back to the yacht, though, because dinner is being served with a side dish of dull questions, starting with ‘when are you happiest’.
According to Davey who’s reading off his palm, he’s happiest when he’s in love and seeing his girlfriend smile. According to less prepared Tony, he’s happy when he wakes up and sees the back of his girlfriend’s head and, just for a second, can pretend she’s a man.
‘But do you believe in soul mates?’ counters the ever-perceptive and hard-hitting Frosty.
‘Err… well… ahh… you… fuckit’ mutters Tony, leaving Davey to grease his way onto the home plate and enjoy the certainty of leaving the yacht by water taxi, not dangerously leaking tinny.
‘I understand!’ gushes Tony, when Sam breaks the bad news that he’ll never leave orange skid-marks on her pristine white sheets.
To the cameras Sam says that it’s really difficult to throw Tony over the side, but ultimately she needs someone who makes her laugh – and not just because he’s got about ten minutes before the producers throw chum in the water.
The two-on-one ends with Sam giving Davey a rose and then getting tricked into making lip-contact because she forgot for a full second that he’s a giant toddler in a smaller toddler’s body.
Group Date time, though, because some overly indulged six year old is having a party and apparently bachelors are all the rage.
According to plumber Dave, he loves his nieces and nephews but only because they obediently shove chocolate in their chow holes when he’s watching the footy and don’t try and do anything stupid like engage him in conversation,
Because Michael is a professional footballer, real estate agent and Tinkerbell, he snatches the entire box of fairy wings and runs off to a corner to write an uber-oily story about Princess Sam, Prince Michael and a nasty, pervy Dragon called Osher who takes all the rejected bachelors down to his dungeon for non G-rated sex acts.
This leaves Alex to set up for face painting, Kayne to present his face for pie-throwing, Sasha to open up the first children’s tattoo parlour, Richie to throw on a pancho and rob all the balloons of helium, and poor plumber Dave to make his one and only customer cry by being a strange man in make-up threatening to kill her.
And, of course, Prince Michael and his tale of the anal-loving dungeon dragon, Osher, wins the day, and that means he’s off to Sam’s Bachelorette pad for a cheese toastie and a plagerised gift.
According to Sam, the fact that Michael didn’t leap off his bar stool and slap the burned toastie out of her hands means that he’s all about the simple things and totally won’t mind when she accidentally washes all his brand clothing in hot water. She then pulls out her own version of the Box of Yawns, which contains such revelations as hillbilly teeth, poor spelling, and the terror that she will one day fall asleep next to a white man and wake up to find he was just Blake with vitiligo.
Michael counters by saying that he’s ‘seen what she went through’, and not just because he watched The Project but because he was Blake’s South African understudy and knew his job was to step in if Blake got Ebola or something.
What follows is the second tongue kiss of the season where Michael demonstrates the polite lapping technique he perfected in the shallow desert pools of the Sahara, and Sam confesses to the cameras that ‘an overwhelming feeling takes over’ and the last time that happened she was three days into a budget holiday in Bali.
Still, he gets a rose which he describes as ‘the best dessert ever’ because he’s a smooth bastard who has clearly never poured an entire bottle of port over a six-pack of Mars Bars.
Onto the Cocktail Party, though, and plumber Dave is worried and not just because Sam is wearing a dress that looks like the unshaven leg of Princess Fiona.
He’s lucky, though, because she takes him for some alone time where he gets to regale her pretty head with stories of how much more fun it is to be drinking free piss in a mansion than, say, unblocking the toilets of women who continue to flush their tampons.
While they’re gone, there’s a bit of talk about kissing other blokes because Alex feels weird, Sasha feels weird and Richie just wants in on the damn action. They then discuss who might be worried about going home and Kayne tells the cameras that Sam is probably intrigued by him because he’s the guy who can rap AND give a three second headstand – without ever once admitting he really fucking shouldn’t have.
Onto the Rose Ceremony, though, which sees Sasha get the Obvious Rose, plumber Dave get the Pity Rose, Alex get the False Hope rose, and Richie get the Close Call Rose. All of which means that Kayne was about as intriguing to Sam as a kilo of chicken fillets left in the boot of a hot car.
As Kayne drives away he says he wishes he was able to show her the ‘other sides’ of him which include, but are not limited to, interpretive dance, beastiality and licking bread sauce off his own nipples.
Until next time, lovers!