Apologies for the late post, lovers, but I’ve been unwell and when Rico called Louise to fill-in, Blake answered and told us she couldn’t come to the phone because she was too busy being one half of the Greatest Love Story of All Time.
Anyhoo, we know the fallout from the second ep has been all about International Model of Fucklordery, David, who made the colossal mistake of letting his testicles cloud his vision and his rusty sheriff’s badge do all the talking.
Rico reckons he’s sad for David because Sam’s always banging on about wanting her boys to be ‘open and honest’ and how was David to know that only applies when you’re a decent person? He also worries how this will affect David’s friendship with Delta Goodrem, because what Delta lacks in musical credibility beyond Ramsay Street, she makes up for in being one of the least likeable personalities on Australian TV – and how will she feel when a fan stops her and David on the street and has the nerve to slap David first?
The other big star of the episode, of course, was Osher who took exception to David’s questionable conversation style and whipped out the face he usually reserves for waiters who don’t offer him a booster chair.
Rico reckons it would be interesting to see how Osher would behave if the disrespect had come from one of the more slugger-looking bachelors like Sasha because, let’s face it, it’s easy to stare down a guy who’d probably take a swing with a loose wrist and beg you not to hit as hard as his sister.
Anyhoo, now of course it’s a threeway race between Blake, David and the parents of Baby Gammy as to who Australia wants to set fire to and not piss on, and that means the only way David can possibly re-enter the sphere of public approval is to murder a few elephants in the Serengeti while being a famous cricketer.
But what of Sam’s single date with plumber Dave? Are we the only ones who think he has less than a dump’s chance in a roomful of Labradors of getting the final rose? Ok, sure, he’s likeable and affable and didn’t have a gut that dribbled over his knees when he took his top off, but is the Frost really going to pick someone who worships at the altar of The Eleventh Box, likens love to losing your car keys, and clearly comes up with all this at the bottom of a crack pipe?
The main problem for me, though, was when he described the candlelit picnic with all the fancy finger food as ‘feed’ because while here in Australia we love our colloquialisms and our lack of pretentiousness, we’re also complete and utter whores for Instagram and the Kardashians and would only really marry Crocodile Dundee if Henry Cavill was unavailable.
One of the interesting things to come out of the episode, though, was the sudden rush of support for the Owl Whisperer himself, Drew, who revealed that Neil from The Young Ones wasn’t his only cracking impersonation, because here he is on a cliff top as Gavin Rossdale.
Anyhoo, it was all a bit of fun and leeches, except for the bit where Drew made it clear he was ready to exchange fluids, but because he’d taken his hair out of the on-point top-knot and Sam was having owl-flashbacks, she wasn’t having a bar of it.
Back to the subject of Blake’s new BFF, though, because now that he’s gone, who will we turn to when all the mateship and fair play and rectal slapping gets too much and we’re just craving some good old fashioned bitchiness? When Emily left on The Bachelor, they quickly shuttled in Rachel. Does that mean we’ll see intruders earlier than expected or will one of the other lads emerge from their Bro Code chrysalis ready to fill the hole of distruction and, let’s face it, entertainment that Delta’s David has left?
Rico reckons Kieren could be the dark horse to steal the bitchelor crown, but my money’s on Davey Costanza who has already shown a keen talent for mincing his words and stabbing both feet in the wrong hole.
But let’s all now spare a thought for David, who didn’t quite turn out to be the flesh-eating hairdresser we predicted, but managed nonetheless to leave a giant knob-shaped footprint and allow Sam Frost to use all those faces she’s been saving for the day Blake turns up on her doorstep and begs her to take him back.
Until next time, lovers!