Good morning, lovers – have we all gotten over our collective shock yet? And by ‘shock’ of course I mean ‘pfffffft’ because any fool with his head stuck perpetually into another fool’s rectum could see that Snezana was going to be the one walking away with the Woodchelor.
If you are one of aforementioned fools I’d just like to say this: remember that this season of The Bachelor was all about redemption. Blake shat on the brand last year by offering his forever penis to one girl and then snatching it away as soon as the cameras turned off, only to thrust it in the direction of another. Blake made us question True Love and True Love is what this show feeds on and even though we felt True Love die when Heather went home just a couple of weeks ago, the show was always banking on a different kind of True Love: OBSTACLES True Love. Living across the other side of the country True Love. Having a nine-year-old daughter True Love. Being part of a family who will cut you if you don’t finish your dinner True Love.
And that would have been all fine and good if they hadn’t advertised it as something that would leave us ‘speechless’. Because isn’t it kind of shit that picking the exceptionally hot single mother in her thirties over the folicularly blessed singleton in her twenties is supposed to shock us? Rico was sure Sam would pick Snez but that the thing that would leave us speechless would be Lana slapping him in the face for all the ass grabbage, or Sam stress-vomiting all over Snezana’s dress.
Not even the violently ugly ring was enough to shock us, because this is Zamels we’re talking about and yellow-gold two tone kinda goes with the trashy territory.
Anyhoo, the show started with the girls meeting the parents and even though Snez made Sam’s mulletted father cry, Lana seemed to win that round because her outfit didn’t have inconveniently placed pockets that gave her hips the ability to natural-birth quintuplets.
She also made a lot more eye-contact with Sam’s sister and ended up making her cry, while simultaneously offering what Rico swears are the best legs in the competition to Sam’s stone fox of a brother.
We see you, Alex Wood, and we like what we see. A hell of a lot more than your brother and his cosmetically monstrous choppers anyway.
Anyhoo, from Sam’s perspective he loved seeing Lana’s ‘vulnerability’ because nothing can be better in the lead-up to dumping someone than the knowledge it can cause them a nervous break-down. But then it was a transitional shot of horses because WARWICK
and onto the last two dates of the season.
First up was Lana who once again got an anti-luxury outdoors date featuring a helicopter and a rowboat.
According to Sam, this was all about recreating The Notebook, only because he’s never seen the fucking film he forgot the birds, the rain and the ludicrously hot pash on the docks at the end of it.
What we got was talk of adventure and Lana’s hair and later on a fire pit with some marshmallows. Lana told him she was crazy about him and in return he told her that this was ‘the start of a real life fairy tale’ – because unlike The Notebook he’s seen Cinderella and Lana totally got the role of the Ugly Sister.
The kiss at the end was rather naughty on Sam’s part because he went FULL TONGUE and with the exception of the US’s Kaitlyn Bristowe who got her root on, FULL TONGUE just doesn’t happen unless there’s a final rose speared on the end of it.
After a few more shots of horses because WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU WARWICK
and it was on to Snez who got picked up in a top-down convertible so she could have utterly trashed hair for their picnic. First they went to a rather stodgy brown lake similar to the one in Lana’s hometown and then it was on to what looked like the Bachelor Mansion (and probably was because the budget for this season came from Osher’s stripper tips) for some cheese, wine, candles and yapping.
According to Snezana, it was important for her to ‘get everything off my chest’ which had Sam looking rather hopeful until he realised she was just going to talk about her feelings. According to Sam it was time to ‘grow up’ because who needs waking up in Thailand with a one-legged prostitute when you can bellow at kids to get out of the bathroom and fondle the other school mums at drop-off?
The pash at the end was also FULL TONGUE but we expected that because, well, he loves all her bits, and when he buried his face in her hair at the end you could just TELL that he told her she was the one, because her face suddenly got all bright and dazzling and Rico reckons the only alternative is that he whispered the number’s to next Saturday’s Lotto.
With the last dates done it was off to the pool for Sam so he could swim and stretch and
practice his cum-face make a final decision:
According to Sam this was not about choosing one girl over another but about coldly assessing who had the biggest boobs and acting accordingly. To the cameras he said that he was ‘following his heart’ and because his heart beats hadn’t stopped screaming about tits since the show started, he had no choice but to listen to it.
Anyhoo, here’s what the girls wore:
Lana: A LBD with a white gauze overlay that will not doubt be ripped off in the limo on the way to the nearest nightclub. You tried to be subtle, Wardrobe, but you failed.
Snezana: The creamy white winner’s dress complete with pearls – but not a necklace because Sam will provide that later.
Anyhoo, endless minutes of watching Sam struggle with his cuff-links and spray deodorant into his mouth later
and it was time for the Lana to roll up and be greeted by a slightly rotund-looking Osher who was clearly method-acting in his new role of butler.
Over to Sam she went and sweet mother his terrified eyes said it all, along with describing her as a ‘vivacious chatterbox’ because who in the hell wants to root someone who won’t shut up?
‘I think you’re the perfect girl, but I don’t know if you’re the perfect girl for me.’
To her credit, Lana took national humiliation well and thanked him for ‘everything’ – which clearly included the hand on her ass. She then took the walk of shame back to the car followed by the cameras who were clearly hoping for a slow-wall slide or a c-word.
In the limo she said that it ‘wasn’t fun’ and that it could have been the start of a a really beautiful relationship between her ass and his hands.
Anyhoo, with Lana safely shuttled off it was time for Snez to arrive and clomp down the petal pathway in her platformed hooves.
This time Sam’s smile was oh-so different and even though he started off with the old ‘I can’t believe how far we’ve come’, he ended up with ‘I LOVE YOU SO MUCH’ and ‘I’VE NEVER BEEN MORE SURE’ and OMG BLAKE TOTALLY SAID THAT TOO AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!
Snez, of course, was super happy and the part where they giggled and cooed together was so ultimately cute that even The Dog let out a deep sigh and didn’t bother to pretend it was gastric.
The bit where Sam gave Snez the necklace for Eve, though, was less cute because why couldn’t he wait and give it to her himself? Is he planning to go to Perth at all? But then he gave Snezana her ring ‘for her to look at and think about him every day’ and all thoughts turned from Eve to Zamels and how they are still in business because if there is an uglier ring anywhere in this world it’s at the back entrance of Bill Cosby.
The fact that she let him put it on her finger, rather than recoiling from it in horror, speaks much for Snezana’s legitimate feelings of love and, in hindsight, provided the only legitimate action to ‘leave the viewers speechless’.
We wish you much happiness and frequent flyer miles, Sam and Snezana – along with the hope that any future children you may spawn take after the Macedonian side or, at the very least, Sam’s silent-but-sexy brother.
So, lovers, now that The Bachelor is over it’s onwards and upwards (and potentially outwards if Sam Frost lets loose at the buffet again) for The Bachelorette. We already know that the fourteen chaps vying for her attention are whiter than a redhead’s inner thighs and we already know that our favourite is this man:
No, not just because he’s got clear gingers in his beard or a strange pointy head that many a girl would want to straddle, but because he looks sexier than a 12 inch pickle with bacon wrapped around it and posts hairy sex Instagrams like this:
Until next week and a whole new completely coincidentally Caucasian non-racist adventure, lovers!