Well lovers, we promised we’d give you our new Final Three Leaving Order so here it is. And hell YES we have flip-flopped and backflipped but only because there are people much smarter than we are who we listen to and, well, they haven’t been wrong yet.
In the days since our Heather-loving hearts were ripped out of our chests and stomped on and then spat on and then shat on and then vomited on and then shat on again, we’ve really taken the time to wonder what on earth the Woodchelor was thinking. Did he really not see what he had right in front of him? How could a lovely man with a sense of humor and a self-confessed ‘big-kid’ heart not choose a creature who clearly stumbled in from a magical kingdom?
But then we had to think: what if so-called lovely man with a sense of humor is actually boobs-loving-social-media-posing-man in disguise? What if Sam doesn’t so much want to start a family as a line of Y-fronts with his face on them? What if ‘finding love’ is code for ‘finding boobs’? But if man is all about finding boobs, why did he send Nina home? Or Emily? Ok, one had a black spot on her tooth and the other had a spiny, black insect masquerading as a personality, but still: BOOOOOOBS!
So. Much. Confusement.
All that aside, though, what we now believe with every fibre of our alcohol infused beings is that Sarah will never meet the genetic material that went into making Sam. In other words: Sarah will NOT get a plane ticket to Tasmania for the meet-the-parents Final Two and she will NOT get to walk down a path in an unflattering sparkly dress and wonder if there’s a ‘but’ at the end of it.
What she WILL get to do is go home and buy an island or something because, well, that’s what rich people do when they need cheering up.
Anyhoo, aside from Sarah’s lack of boobs – ok, they’re technically there but without the magic tape and contouring they really wouldn’t be – all the previews and whatnot that we’ve seen from the beginning of this whole spectacle show her in only three more outfits: one more Rose Ceremony dress, the little strapless number from the infamous Yellow Room scene, and the hat and the poncho which she either filched straight from her mother’s wardrobe or filched straight from her mother’s wardrobe.
Lana and Snez, on the other hand, are shown in another five different outfits apiece – one each of which are clearly worn in much brisker, say, Tasmanian conditions.
All of which means that Sarah is not Anna Heinrich Mark II, but rather that overenthusiastic blonde one who snapped her leg on a group date because one-on-one time in the back of an ambulance.
We’ve said it before but we’ll say it again: our sleuth friends are awesome and we grovel in the face of their suspected sober genius.
Anyhoo, picking the winner is harder, but Channel 10 have promised us a finale that will leave us ‘speechless’ so we’ve put our trashed heads together and come up with FIVE undeniable possibilities:
- Sam gives a rose to BOTH girls, suggests they find a share house together in Melbourne that has a bed big enough for a non food-related sandwich and leaves everyone speechless.
- Sam gives no-one a rose because he’s about to head back to the horse farm and beg for a good Warricking (thanks Jodi Fenn – we heart your filthiness), leaving everyone speechless (and jealous).
- Sam gives Snez the final rose and tells her he wants to leave Melbourne and move to WA which leaves everyone speechless because Macedonian-inspired eating disorder in the bowels of Perth.
- Sam offers Snez the final rose first on the condition that she agrees to move to Melbourne, denounce her Macedonian heritage and commit to bi-monthly childless jags to Bali. If she doesn’t, he says, he will give the final rose to Lana and tell everyone that it wasn’t just Snezana’s name that reminded him of cheese – leaving everyone speechless.
- Sam gives Lana the final rose and tells her she reminds him of Margery from Game of Thrones and he just wants to be her Tommen or her Joffrey which leaves everyone speechless because even Joffrey shits on him in the looks department.
Varys too according to Rico.
Anyhoo, personally I think Lana will win because she’s got hair, eyes AND A youthful uterus. Plus the distance is only to NSW and shops don’t close there at 5pm.
Until Wednesday night, lovers!