Bachelor Sam – One Undead Down, Five Live Ones to Go

4 Sep


She’s gone!  The Walking Dead Walked!  Live in fear of us Sportsbet! LIVE IN FEAR!

Anyhoo, aside from the obvious there was lots of good, clean fun to be had on tonight’s show because when a man takes half his kit off and then invites the six women in his life to recreate his bulgey bits out of clay, things rarely go wrong, do they?


Heather and Lana’s ‘Bachelor the Hutt’



Rachel and Sarah’s ‘Tiny Brained Man in Recline’


Nina and Snezana’s ‘Faceless Man with Enormous Semi-Flaccid Penis’

Nor did they particularly redeem themselves when it came to the sketch pads, with the exception of Snezana who took enough creative licence to draw Sam with two penises emerging at different directions from his Y-fronts and thus securing herself the ‘extra time one-on-one’.


Sam poses with ‘Double Wang’

Side note:  remember when Sam and Snez were so hot he could hardly keep from rooting her in mixed company?  Me either after watching tonight, because while she was leaning in, he was leaning so far out it looked like he was hailing a recalcitrant bus driver in the next suburb.  Particularly sad was when he set the stage for The Hindrance (i.e. her being settled with child in Perth, him being footloose and child free in Melbourne) and she practically tripped over her own tongue offering to uproot her daughter and shove her onto the next Eastern States red-eye.

Oh, Snez.

Moving on though because there was still a single date to be had which, according to the Gods of Fairness, should have gone to Nina, but, because the Gods of Sam’s Dick are running this shit show, went instead to Sarah.

Rico reckons, for a polite young lass, she sure does like the towering heels and the impossibly vagina-revealing microskirtage.  She also, apparently, likes Pretty Woman, because when the poor-man’s Nellie Melba gave birth to some opera, Sarah knew her cue was to sob like a child and hope that the purple crushed velvet doesn’t make it onto her next cocktail dress.

You earned those Zamel’s tonight, Sarah.


Sarah weeps at the depths Tina Arena has sunk to

Anyhoo, Rico reckons he’s disturbed by the hotness between Sam and Sarah when they pash it out and there’s a semi-decent chance we should drop Snez into Sarah’s spot in our elimination line-up and we really don’t like second guessing ourselves.

But, oh, it’s just so hard at the moment, isn’t it lovers?  Remember last year how it was all about Jess until suddenly it wasn’t and then it was all about Sam and Lisa until suddenly TRUE LOVE AND A FEAR OF BOGANS set in and Blakey turned tail back to Louise?  Exciting and all that it was, it’s made us doubt our natural ability to predict the order of things because even though our blackened hearts tell us that there’s no way this guy could pick anyone other than the adorkable, pale-limbed Heather, what if he’s dipped his toe in the waters of the Red Carpet and has discovered he likes it more than quashing childhood obesity? That means he could pick lovely-haired Lana!  Or polite Sarah! Or even glamorous woman-with-child Snezana!

Just not Nina because, well, she’s still got that black spot on her teeth.

Anyhoo let’s get back to the Rose Ceremony because when Sarah made her entrance dragging her giant bouquet, the other girls went mental with joy which shat Lana to no end because when she walked in with her own rose the day before it was like she’d gotten caught transporting a body.

Meanwhile, though, Rachel was really putting her back into being the woman that even Freddy Krueger would be afraid to fall asleep alongside.

‘Nina eats junk food!’ she snapped to the cameras.  ‘I know I told Sam I eat lots, but I didn’t mean anything with fucking CALORIES!’


Even Rachel raises a glass to sending her home

Anyhoo, judgemental little strumpet from our own hearts that she was, Sam still scooped her up for some one-on-one because maybe it was his first opportunity to see her forehead up close.


So I totally look less dead tonight, right?

Rico reckons this was a simple case of a man not interested in a member of the Walking Dead, and a member of the Walking Dead considering whether there are enough brains to bother with.

Which explains why when the other bachelorettes asked her what Sam said, the only thing she could remember was gazing into his eyes and wondering if it would be worth the effort to scoop them out.

Unfortunately for us, though, she let him be, which Rico reckons is a mighty shame because watching the remaining girls fight over a rotting bachelor with only half a face would be no less unrealistic than, say, believing Sam has contacts at the Opera House.

But let’s look at the dresses, shall we?

Sarah:  She wore this dress on her date and aside from the previously mentioned vaginal infraction, there’s a pit-cleavage situation that is possibly her boob making a run for it.


Heather:   Frizzy, burned ends and a sauce coloured dress.  This stylist is definitely Team Lana.


Lana: Finally a mini-dress where you aren’t afraid to tug on a loose thread in case it’s a labia.  Oddly her legs are a different race to her face.  Continuity matters, people.


Nina: Another blue dress that is thankfully more up to the task than the last one.  For someone who ‘has no interest in exercise and eats junk food’ bitch looks fierce.


Rachel: The shades of white don’t match but other than that it’s nice to witness the birth of Less Dead Utter Whore Face.


Snezana: A relatively sedate look but at least now we know that if Snezana tries to leave Perth, that bracelet will alarm her Parole Officer.


Until next week, lovers, where Nina will no doubt be cast into the wild. and until then we will keep ourselves busy obsessively reading this AWESOME webpage so that by the time the Final Rose comes about we’ll be so fucking confused not even ten litres of boxed claret will be enough to steer us on to the path to True Love.

xo Flawless


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