A Bachelor Sam Special – Emily’s Eyes Hate These Bitches

21 Aug

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Ohmigod Ni-na!  How could you!  You totally just told everyone that Sam finds Snezana so unbearably fuckable that he had to lay a tongue on her in the midde of a Group Date!  Snezana must be mortified.

Or is she.

Not a chance in Satan’s lounge room, according to Rico, and I have to agree because, however she managed it, however she wrangled it, Nina is now the untrustworthy pot-stirring whore of the house and she didn’t even get any tongue action for her trouble!

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Hooray for whatever I just did!

Anyhoo, regardless of all that, last night’s episode was a bit of a yawn and Rico reckons other than Rachel being set free to smile maniacally at anyone who looks like they might cry, the only other even remotely exciting moments were:

1) Sam taking Snezana to a South Cape cheese buffet and passing it off as ‘Italy’. Nothing says ‘romance’ like semi-matured cheddar, right Woodchelor?

Cheese!  CHEESE!

Cheese! CHEESE!

2) Nina’s face when she realised she hadn’t won the go-cart race. Second only to Rico’s face when he realised the black spot on her tooth is actually a permanent cosmetic fixture and not just a stubborn knob of bratwurst.

3) Heather’s white lace Rose Ceremony play-suit. Milky, white ass-cheeks people. Even The Dog confessed to movement in a region that hasn’t stirred since Linda Evangelista.

4) Sam bringing ‘protective cuppage’ back at the Rose Ceremony

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Must. Protect. Sack.

4) Emily casting aside her #supermodelproblems and letting a cold river of cuntery flow freely from her quiche-hole.  Hooray for you, Emily!

Rico reckons he feels for Emily, because there’s so much more to her than a mouth willing to strip the flesh off another woman’s back in front of Sam.  For instance her eyes!  Her eyes say so much more than her mouth ever could!  Her eyes are, though we hate to resort to cliche, the windows to the blackest soul to grace television since Delta Goodrem, and that means if you turn your TV on mute a whole new world of meaning opens up before you!

On Sam.

What her mouth said: He’s a lovely guy and I’m starting to become emotionally invested.

What her eyes said: He took his shirt off and I was like ‘nice to see you Macaulay CULKIN!’

On children.

What her mouth said:  I want three – no, two children.

What her eyes said:  I want three – no, twenty nannies. Also Brad Pitt. Or Gavin Rossdale. He’s single now and what he did with his asshole in the 80s doesn’t affect his bank balance.

On Osher.

What her mouth said:  Osher brings the date cards.

What her eyes said:  I hate Osher. He’s like Tyrion Lannister only tinier and less likely to successfully solicit a prostitute.

On Heather.

What her mouth said:  Heather’s been friend-zoned.

What her eyes said:  Sam doesn’t laugh with her, he laughs at her.  Specifically at her lack of tits.

On Nina.

What her mouth said:  I don’t trust Nina one bit.

What eyes said:  I wish she’d wear a fucking bra. I’m always pushing her aureole out of my cereal.

On Nina again.

What her mouth said: She’s two-faced.

What her eyes said: She’s hella ugly.  She literally looks like someone who had a face transplant without removing the old face first.

On Snezana.

What her mouth said:  I don’t see Sam and Snez having a long-term relationship.

What her eyes said:  Word on the street is that she had a vaginal birth.  I’ve seen a photo of that kid’s head.

On Jasmin.

What her mouth said:  She was my room-mate from day dot.

What her eyes said:  She was always sniffing my towels.  Plus she wanks with her eyes open – who does that?

 

Until next time, lovers.  Bring on the Date Crashers (Ugh! to that term) in all their Spakfillered glory!

xo Flawless

 

 

 

 

 

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