Well it was back to Eva and Debra’s last night, lovers, to see if they could pull a rabbit out of a hat (or a decent cook out of an orifice) and beat Drasko and Bianca’s rather hilariously shameful score of 51.
Rico reckons, as far as cooking goes, these two are about trustworthy as a fart in a third-world country and with six dishes in total to prepare, there’s no way they won’t cause shame to their families at least once.
Speaking of families, here they all are crowding around their champions, and Debra’s dad wants to make sure that Debs remembers all the family recipes because she’s not exactly going to take out this competition on creativity or looks.
Elsewhere in MKR land and Bianca has woken up in a superb mood and wastes no time telling the cameras that Eva and Debs need to ‘push themselves’, because she and Drasko ‘pushed themselves’ and hopefully the girls will shove a little harder and score a fucking zero.
Off to cooking time and Debs is confident that they are ‘seasoned pros’ and that means if their food sucks they can win points the old fashioned way.
Back from the shops and we’re all reminded that Eva and Debra have to cross a scrub-filled wasteland laden down with groceries in order to get to their front door, and Rico reckons the show’s producers should really allocate them either an extra half an hour, or an extra fifty bucks so they can pay one of the patrolling drug lords to carry their bags for them.
Still, they make it inside and, unlike Drasko and Bianca, they manage to chase the giant rats out of the shed, throw a tarp over the blood stains and chuck down a few place mats all before the start of their precious cooking time. Hooray!
Onto the cooking and both girls get started on their dessert – the plan being to have all their elements done so that Debs can spend the extra time chasing Eva around the kitchen with the shellfish.
‘It’s coming to get you!’ shrieks Debs waving the poor, dead creature, and Eva squeals because, as much as she loves cooking, she does so hate to be reminded that her food used to move.
Anyhoo, it’s time for the other teams to arrive and Bianca is still beaming and saying that she doesn’t want anyone to ‘do badly’ just ‘die horribly’. Will says the girls are making everyone welcome ‘in their own special way’ and all the screaming and leaping around would be so much more adorable if at least one of them had enormous breasts.
‘They greeted us with big, fat welcoming arms!’ gushes Shaz, before adding that it was brave of them to wear sleeveless tops, serve dinner in an outhouse and not be from Mount Isa.
Ash and Camilla, meanwhile, think the squealing is all very childish, which The Dog thinks is a bit rich considering Camilla has discovered lip liner and has applied it without any formal training.
‘Let us know if you need anything!’ trills Debs, as she and Eva head back to the kitchen, and Bianca eyes them speculatively because, depending on how their cook goes, she may have a few suggestions.
Back in the kitchen and Debs gets busy with the ribs and deboning the Barramundi, while Eva gets to work wondering how many courses they’re actually making and whether she remembered to put on any knickers.
Outside, Pete and Manu are arriving and while Manu talks enthusiastically about girls going up and down, Pete has the ashen, sweaty look of a man who just spent an evening at Bianca and Drasko’s.
Into the shed-cum-dining room they go and after a bit of menu gazing it’s time for everyone to place their order.
‘I’ll have the ribs!’ bellows Shaz, patting her belly. ‘Fark me I love some RIBS!’
‘I don’t really see ‘fine dining” Bianca whispers to Drasko and the table at large, while Steve eyes them both off and decides that if Drasko’s not shitting his pants, it’s because the cucumber won’t let him.
Back in the kitchen and Debs wants to pan fry her beef ribs to ‘make them a little bit more sexier’, and Rico comments that it’s nice to see that Debs can pervert the English language as much as her family’s recipes.
Speaking of family recipes, Eva is busy completely changing hers by diluting the sambal with coconut milk, cooking the fish separate to the sauce and using scampi instead of prawns.
‘I’m worried if it tastes too Asian the guests won’t eat it’ explains Eva, reaching for the sugar and casting her eyes around for the Vegemite.
Meanwhile, back in the shed, Jac is complaining that she had to pick the ribs because Shaz would have eaten everyone else’s.
‘We went to this all-you-can-eat Rib Shack once’ she explains. ‘I found her at the end of the night fast asleep in the meat tray.’
‘It’s called a bain marie, Jac!’ snaps Shaz. ‘Keep it classy why don’t yah!’
‘Whatever’ soothes Bianca. ‘All I’m saying is if there’s faults, I’m going to make mention of them.’
‘That sounds ominous’ Skinny Pete mutters to Manu, but before they can discuss it any further, out come the entrees!
‘For blatant pub food this looks delicious!’ gushes Bianca, while Will comments that he’s looking forward to getting stuck in so deep someone better ready the pliers.
‘Do you usually toss the scampi through the sauce?’ wonders Skinny Pete.
‘Errr, yeah’ admits Debs, before adding that they usually leave off the coconut milk and the deep fried Mars bar too.
‘I loved the ribs!’ exclaims Manu. ‘It was like going to a shit-in-your-mouth party and getting paired up with Orlando Bloom!’
‘But did they taste good?’ wonders everyone.
‘Fucking DELICIOUS!’ he confirms.
‘Well I was just SO disappointed’ says Drasko. ‘I’ve never tasted Orlando Bloom’s, but I can’t imagine his are this overcooked.’
While Skinny Pete and Manu exchange glances, Ash tells the cameras that this sort of behaviour is just so obvious because Drasko’s clearly a dickhead and like Manu would ever be invited to the same party as Orlando Bloom.
Back to the kitchen for mains, though, and Eva is putting lychees in the curry paste because Debra’s dog loves lychees and his tastes are what they have based their entire menu on.
Meanwhile, Debs is determined that her curry will be just as good as Eva’s because she’s tired of Eva being called the ‘Curry Queen’ and her getting stuck with ‘Rose Porteous’.
But what’s this? Eva is having trouble remembering the recipe and Debs reckons next time she should turn the ingredients into a song.
‘I like to use Beyonce songs’ explains Debs. ‘Except the ‘surfbort’ one because that makes my dad wake up screaming.’
Back to the shed, though, and Will is talking about how much he loves spending time with Jac and Shaz and can’t wait to visit Mount Isa.
‘D’you know how many famush people come from our town?’ slurs Shaz, half-pissed on beef ribs and rice wine. ‘There’s a fucken BILLBOARD of them cunts!’
‘That sounds wonderful!’ exclaims Will. ‘Have you and Jac known each other long?’
‘We’re fucken COUSINS!’ Shaz bellows. ‘Everyone we’ve done, we’ve done TOGETHER!’
Back to the kitchen and Eva is worried her fish is not cooked through while Debs brags about yet another ‘modern twist’ on her duck curry.
‘The duck’s going on top, because that’s the way the dog likes it!’ she exclaims.
Meanwhile, Eva has checked a bit of fish and has found that it’s raw in the middle.
‘Do you think it will stop being raw if we close our eyes and picture it cooked? wonders Eva.
‘Can’t hurt!’ trills Debs turning off the stop and slamming the fish onto the plates.
Back in the shed and Bianca is making fans across Asia by saying steamed Barramundi is ‘easy’ and that soy sauce isn’t in her ‘top five’.
‘If itsh cooked well itsh not too shimple!’ snaps Shaz, and Rico reckons this is fair enough, not to mention well-played for a team who have got through to the Top Five on the strength of their deep fryer.
But here come the mains and Ash comments that the ‘wait for the food has not been offensive at all’ – unlike Drasko and Bianca’s which was like being slapped in the face by a weeping knob-end.
As the judges taste, the girls watch nervously and Eva’s face crumples as Manu chugs his first glass of water and snaps his fat fingers for a pitcher.
‘The dish is traditional, I couldn’t fault it’ says Manu, when he can speak. ‘Oh wait, I can – the fish was RAW bitches!’
‘Oh dear’ whispers Bianca jiggling her leg. ‘Oh dear oh dear oh dear!’
‘You girls make a mean curry!’ announces Pete, smiling. ‘Shame you used the wrong cut of meat and didn’t cook it in the fucking sauce.’
Back in the kitchen and Eva has forgotten both the ingredients and what actually happened by saying that ‘at least all the elements were good’.
‘Yeah!’ says equally delusional Debs, ‘let’s make our dessert even better!’
Back in the shed and while Will loves the duck curry, Camilla and her lip-liner think Drasko and Bianca are a little too happy with their raw fish.
‘At this stage in the competition it’s just SO disappointing!’ whines Bianca. ‘It would be just so HORRIBLE if they scored less than us and we got through to the semis.’
Back in the kitchen and Eva and Debs have come somewhat back down to earth and are talking about their ineptitude when it comes to desserts.
‘We really are totally shit at it’ says Debs, putting her sugee cakes in the oven.
‘Yeah’ agrees Eva. ‘Is Kafir Lime a fruit or something that comes out of a chicken?’
Back in the shed and Will reckons the sugee cake is semolina-based and he comfort ate buckets of the stuff at boarding school when all the teachers hated him.
‘Why did they hate you?’ wonders Steve.
‘Oh who knows’ replies Will. ‘I was smart, I was chubby – oh and I left skid marks on all the furniture.’
Back in the kitchen and Debs is happy because she’s only cooked her cakes for a few minutes and the dry skewer is telling her they are done. She then checks the orange ice cream which is good, and the pandan ice cream which is shit.
‘The ice cream is too hard’ she tells Eva.
‘It can’t be!’ cries Eva. ‘That’s our whole other dessert! What are we going to do?!’
‘Now just hear me out for a minute, Eva’ says Debs ‘I have a cunning plan!’
Back in the shed and Drasko is leading a lively conversation about how he’s never had pandan ice cream before and he’s looking forward to finding it really disappointing.’
‘Well this IS the end stage of the competition’ adds Bianca. ‘If I find any faults I’m -‘
‘- GONNA FARKEN WHINE ABOUT THEM!’ interrupts Shaz. ‘Fark me I could eat the troushers off a homelesh man!’
Back in the kitchen and Eva has decided against Debra’s suggestion of serving everyone her cake WHEN THEY DIDN’T EVEN ORDER IT, and has instead decided to put the crispy ice cream in a glass in the hopes it will camouflage the texture.
‘What do you think?’ she asks Debra.
‘Put on some more ginger crumb’ suggests Debs. ‘More. Yep. Keep it coming, I can still see the ice cream.’
Out come the desserts and, naturally, poor Drasko is ‘disappointed just looking at it’.
‘The kafir lime syrup’ begins Pete –
– ‘Eva fucked it all up!’ blurts Debs. ‘I told her the ice cream mix was too runny! We should never have served it! I told her we should give everyone cake! You could have been eating my beautiful sugee cake right now!’
‘Well whose idea was the ginger crumb?’ asks Pete.
‘Mine!’ crows Debs. ‘Awesome, huh?’
‘Hideous, actually’ murmurs Pete with a narrow smile.
‘And actually’ says Manu. ‘I am aware of what sugee cake is because my Mother in Law has been staying and that old bitch won’t stay out of my kitchen.’
‘And?’ gasps Debs, her hands clasped on prayer.
‘Well let me put it this way’ Manu continues, steepling his fingers. ‘There’s one in my fridge right now that tastes like food, and one on my plate in front of me that resembles food but is clearly a clever imposter.’
‘Eh?’ squeaks Debs.
‘Oh sorry, I meant it’s fucking disgusting.’
Around the turned over pig trough the girls have used for a table, and Shaz is now so drunk she’s comparing the ice cream to greenery.
‘It tashtes like a -hic – PLANT!’ she mumbles, peering into the glass.
‘OMG that’s so funny!’ trills Bianca. ‘She said it tastes like a PLANT! Did you hear that? ARE YOU ALL WRITING THIS DOWN!?’
‘They’ve cooked with shum beau-full dishes’ Shaz slurs and Rico murmurs that, yes, they certainly have – it’s just a shame about all the revolting stuff they put on them.
But here comes team scoring, lovers, and because NO-ONE wants Drasko and Bianca in the semi-finals other than Drasko and Bianca, it’s sixes from the other three teams.
‘We give Eva and Debra a five’ grumbles Bianca, who swore to herself before the show started that she would not be hated for any strategy, only for her personality.
Onto the judges and Pete gives the scampi a seven, which Manu follows up with a nine for the ribs.
‘Robbed!’ mutters Shaz, her face muffled against the table cloth. ‘Cuntsh.’
Onto the main and Pete gives the curry a nine because it had great flavour, just a stupid person cooking it. Manu, on the other hand, gives the fish a six and says that it was a good thing his nose was packed with things he could actually eat, because that raw fish left him hungry!
Which leads us to dessert which ends up being a four for the pandan ice cream smothered in ginger crumb, and a five for the sugee cake that Manu’s Mother in Law would beat with a stick and then send with its tail between its legs into the street.
‘Semi finals baby!’ screeches Deb to the gentle accompaniment of Draska and Bianco killing each other, and Rico comments that if they continue their snide comments at Will and Steve’s house we might not have to get our English football violence fix from YouTube for once.
Until tonight, lovers!