In shocking news that has just hit the ground, Colin ‘Fergus’ Fassnidge has spoken of his ‘deep fookin’ regret’ after watching Drasko and Bianca lay waste to their final Instant Restaurant.
‘I was watchin’ on me telly with a noice bucket of Jamisons’ the sex-pot Irish Chef confessed. ‘I was lookin’ forward to seeing me new chef take a dump all over the other teams and maybe having a wank or two in the ad break.’
What happened, however, was ultimately less pleasant.
‘First he overcooks the scallops. Then he gets all fancy with a mushroom foam. Da FOOK is a mushroom fookin’ foam?’ the drunkly handsome Chef was reported to complain.
‘I kept watchin’ though – I bloody had to! I thought he’d pull his shit together for the third round – but instead he spread it all over the fookin’ table!’
The dish in question, of course, was the First Date Lemon Tart – named for the wet spot Bianca refused to sleep in and the fight they subsequently had in which Drasko labeled her a ‘sour cunt’.
‘I mean, first that dippy bird troys to cook it under the griller – then that chopstick-dick thinks he can fix it with tin foil. Fookin’ tinfoil!’
According to Fergus, he offered Drasko a job at his Melbourne restaurant, Fond of Hand, after a grueling 80-hour trial of picking up potato skins and bending over in the cool room.
‘I said “right, I’m gonna go away to my other restaurant and take a shit – if they accept you, they accept you.'”
After Drasko received rave reviews from both the Sous Chef and the Pakistani dish pig, Fergus offered to give him a hand job – which was to begin after the show’s filming finished.
But it’s not all smooth sailing for Drasko, with the celebrity chef now swearing he’d ‘rather chop me arms off at the shoulder’.
‘I mean, more fooking Sous Vide? Once, ok. Twoice, yeah whatever. Three times, bit of a wanker. But four fooking times? I’d like to Sous Vide his fookin’ FACE!’
And when asked what he thought of Drasko and Bianca’s chances of getting to the finals, Fergus had only this to say:
‘You know, I always preferred Drasko to Steve because he’s got a head like a smashed lobster and he couldn’t pull a chick on a conveyer belt. But if he does make it to the finals I hope he Sous Vides again and gets that stringy wang stuck in the vacuum sealer!’
Oh, lovers, what a captivating series of fuck-ups it was, and how generous were the teams who gave them a five, despite waiting five hours for the main and then having to wade through Drasko and Bianca’s first sexual encounter for dessert.
Rico reckons Drasko and Bianca’s only chance – other than killing off the remaining teams – is to hope that Eva and Debra follow through on tradition and cook like a pair of tampons with their strings tied together.
Until tonight, lovers!
(P.S – here’s the ‘real’ interview if you really must: Fergus)