Ok, lovers, buckle up because not only is tonight the HIGHEST SCORE IN MKR HISTORY, it’s Eva and Debra so that means dinner in a shed and a suburb so ugly you could pop it in a suit and call it James Packer!
Because this is going to be an episode lacking in fuck-ups, we’re obviously relying on the action at the table to keep us awake and if that fails we’ll be calling on the Dog to utilise the cattle prod.
Kat and Andre, naturally, are on all fours praying that they perform horribly – or failing that, just average enough that they can give them a low score and claim the Sheri and Emilie Defense.
Speaking of Sheri and Emilie, they’re Eva and Debra’s BFFs, and because Debs and Co applauded every dish before it got to the table at their OWN instant restaurant, tonight they have committed to loving every dish and working out a way for Sheri’s face to convey something other than disgruntled toddler.
Katie and Nikki, the only other team left to cook, think last night’s Team Score was a hot mess of strategic voting and if things go the way they hope they do, tonight will be the Highest Score in MKR History AND the night Kat’s fist leaps across the table into Annie’s teeth.
Speaking of Annie, she’s so terrified that Kat will ‘blow up at her again’ that she’s planning to spend the whole evening make sure it happens.
But let’s skip the uber dull Everything Running Smoothly stuff and get to Pete and Manu’s arrival, shall we?
Because there’s no driveway or parking spaces or police patrols to round up the piles of drunk and deceased bodies, Manu is sweating it across the grasslands in trousers that were certainly not designed for cardio, let alone fighting off local druglords. Skinny Pete, on the other hand, has devoted his life to mimicking the habits of his ancestors, and a brisk stride across an unforgiving wasteland is totally on his daily schedule – right before the coffee enema and the ride of his life on the toilet.
Into the Spice Market they go and, yes, it’s still a tiny shed and, yes, somewhere in a dingy bar Fergus is still laughing. The menu, of course, is all about spices, with prawn cakes for entree, some sort of fish curry for main, and an indian-style icecream with – shudder – rosewater for dessert.
According to Nikki, she hates jelly almost as much as models with decent teeth and whenever she’s at an Asian restaurant and they bring out the dessert menu, she folds it into a paper middle finger.
Elsewhere at the table and Manu wants to know how Lloyd is ‘feeling’ now that Annie is no longer standing next to his bed all night with a blowtorch.
‘A LOT more comfortable’ he admits, before adding that Annie might actually let him sleep tonight if he confines his eyes to Manu’s tits.
Speaking of Manu’s tits, Pete has had enough of their presence in such a confined space, so he’s off to the kitchen to check out the girls’ progress.
‘We made our own curry paste!’ gushes Debs, and Pete obligingly dips his orangey beak in, gives them the finger for luck, and heads back to the table to see if any fights have started.
‘How’s your night going?’ Emilie and her oddly skinny red lips ask Kat, which results in a complex discussion about the team score vs. the judges’ scores and how someone is clearly copying her and Andre’s performance from Round 1.
‘There’s so much subtext going on’ complains Lloyd, who adds that there is clearly a ‘storm brewing’ in Kat, and how great would it be if she went utterly ballistic and she and Annie ended up kissing!
Anyhoo, out comes the entree and although Kat and Andre are willing to offer up their first born AND a brand new car with $400 worth of extras at no additional cost, it tastes lovely. Or rather, ‘ridiculous’ according to ever-trendy Manu.
‘I think I’m gonna cry!’ cries Debs, a giant snot trail catching a ride from her hand to her apron. ‘Get OUT!’
‘No YOU get out!’ screeches Manu, while Skinny Pete sits back down in his chair with an expression of genuine regret.
As for Pete, he also adores it and tells them that he could ‘eat this every day’ if it wasn’t packed with carbs and practically SCREAMING cellulite.
Back to the kitchen run the girls to hug and cry some more and get on with the business of boring us into an 8pm coma – all the while at the table, Kat and Andre are feeling the noose getting a little tighter.
‘Damnit this is AMAZING!’ she wails. Andre agrees and says the only flaw he can find with the dish is that Lloyd ate it and failed to throw it up all over Annie.
Anyhoo, main is a curry which is one of Eva’s family recipes and QUICK DOG PULL OUT THE CATTLE PROD.
Oh but hang on a minute! Eva thinks she’s put too much lemon juice in the sauce. Have we summoned the crash cart too soon?
Of course we haven’t, because Debs thinks the sauce is great and Eva decides it’s just a little less ‘authentic’ than she hoped, so let’s go back to the table and hope to God someone’s getting their throat torn out.
Hooray! Annie has started telling everyone what their ‘spirit animal’ is – starting with herself – a snow leopard; Nikki – a dirty bug; and Sheri – Nullabor Highway roadkill.
‘What’s Kat’s?’ asks some equally bored person looking for a rumble (we see you, Skinny Pete).
‘Oh Kat would be something FUN!’ trills Annie, before announcing that ‘fun’ is definitely a wolf with the remains of a flaxon-haired infant dangling from its slavering jaws.
Kat, of course, is less than impressed and thinks that if Annie really does have a spirit animal it would be a snake. Or a cunt.
But here comes the main which is all bright curry and yellow rice and Manu gives Skinny Pete such a long ‘ah want you’ look that the producers cut to an ad break.
Back from the break and the judges are raving – particularly Pete who says it is ‘better than the entree’ and that from now on he’ll be demanding a big bucket of that crispy onion garnish in his dressing room.
‘Get OUT!’ Deb squeals, going for an encore, but Skinny Pete is no Manu and all she gets in return is a thin-lipped smile and a locked wrist.
‘Holly Molly!’ says Manu, who appears to be confused about the time of year and the legality of certain drugs.
‘She thought it was crap!’ bellows Debs, fingering Eva in the side, because there will be plenty of time for Debs to calm the fuck down and get shitty that the judges liked the main course better.
‘My parents’ Eva sniffles ‘will be so proud of me’ and Rico wonders whether this is because she cooked one of their recipes rather well, or because her side boob hasn’t yet peeked out of that one-shoulder top.
Around the table and Lloyd likes ‘every little corner’ of the dish because corners remind him of the Safe Box he sometimes climbs into when Annie has been on a 3-day sacrificial bender. Sheri, on the other hand, thinks it’s ‘full of exciting things’ – the most exciting being that there’s curry plus rice plus onion and she hasn’t yet felt the urge to crack open a gas bomb into her napkin and then fan it in Emilie’s face.
Elsewhere around the table, though, and Kat is struggling with either swallowing raw fish, or looking like Negative Whore Nancy. In the end she chooses gastric health, and even though Nikki concurs, gas-less Sheri thinks they all need to shut up and stop picking at a dish that may just contain the secret to curing her disgusting fucking boyfriend.
In the kitchen and the girls are struggling to get their jelly out of the containers in anything other than ragged chunks.
‘Rustic?’ wonders Debs?
‘Hideous’ decides Eva, and they decide to leave it off the plate and hope the judges really don’t have the same cravings as five-year-olds.
Back in the dining room and Sheri has no idea what a Koulfi is – but who cares when she’s already written down her score? Kat, meanwhile, has heard the crap-at-dessert rumour circling around Eva and Debs, and is pining for a dessert so bad it brings the first two courses back on the table and an opportunity for the judges to revise their impressions.
Out they come, though, and while Lloyd immediately wonders if the jelly is hidden away in the same place as his credit cards and passport, Kat hopes that the missing ingredient is a sign that things really have gone to shit.
Sheri, meanwhile, thinks it ‘looks just like Eva and Debra on a plate’ – and despite all that she’s going to shovel it in and pray she has the loyalty to swallow.
‘Where is the jelly?’ asks Manu after a couple of spoonfuls.
‘We left it of because
it kept falling out of the mould in ratty looking clumps we thought simple was better’ says Deb.
‘You’ve been listening!’ gushes Manu, casting a beady your-bread-was-like-death eye at Kat and Andre, before adding that the flavour was nice but the texture had his tongue nervous about frost bite.
Skinny Pete, on the other hand, has no issue with the texture and in fact appreciates that his teeth had to work harder and thus burn more sweet, sweet calories.
Around the table and while Emilie and Sheri could DIE they love it so much, Jane is eating with a severe case of pirate-face, and Andre thinks it’s like that tiny nugget of icec ream in the bottom of the tub that some idiot puts back in the freezer because they can’t be bothered washing out the container and saving it for left over casserole.
Team scoring is a disappointing affair – but only because Kat and Andre score and eight and miss the opportunity to get chased to their cars by employees of A Current Affair.
Elsewhere and Annie and Lloyd and Jane and Emma also score eights, Katie and Nikki score a nine; and Sheri and Emilie, of course score a ten.
‘Shall we say a ten? We’ve never said a ten!’ shrieks Emilie.
‘Fuck no’ mutters Debs, who reckons they’ve put in 110% and should therefore be scored out of eleven.
The judges, as we already know, give tens for the entree and main, and then a seven (Manu) and eight (Skinny Pete) for dessert.
The grand total? 98 and the HIGHEST SCORE IN MKR HISTORY.
‘Let’s talk about redemption’ says Manu.
‘Kill me quickly’ Rico mutters darkly to the Dog. But thankfully after just a little more squealing and fist-pumping and fantasy spending of their $250 000, it’s OVER.
But what’s this?
‘Katie and Nikki will attempt to dodge elimination next’ says Voice Over Man, before showing a preview of Kat’s face in all it’s twitchy and the promise that ‘something will occur that will outrage Australia!’
Oh, lovers, will it be as simple as Kat and Andre scoring a one, or will Katie and Nikki scandalise the nation by going to the root of their butcher-girl ways and serving up MKR’s first course of HUMAN FLESH?
Oh if only.
Until tonight, lovers!