MKR – Kat and Andre Scored by the Mathematically Challenged

10 Mar

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Well here we are back in WA where’s it’s Kat and Andre’s turn to force ill-considered food down the throats of their enemies, and regret that time Kat got all share-y over a bottle of plonk and admitted to scoring with impure intentions.

Speaking of regret, today Kat is wearing some form of Mammy from Gone With the Wind headscarf which conceals her fringe, and Andre is so focused on how well they are going to cook today that he’s forgotten to suck his little paunch in.

As they drive to the shops, they have the usual little conversation about redemption, not making the same mistakes as last time and whether the table full of girls will cause Lloyd to finally abandon all pretense of testosterone and show up wearing a tube top.

After a rather lucky parking spot, which Kat sees as a sign that baby Jesus has forgiven them for their two-scoring ways, they run into the butchers to pick up the veal for their entrée and chat with  a youthful employee who seems a little too interested in what the meat had for breakfast.

According to Skinny Pete, all you need to cook this dish is a size 12 boot and an oven that screams like Ralph Wiggam when the temperature gets too high.  According to Rico you need some sort of Italian heritage – and not the Andre kind that comes from drawing a mustache on with a Sharpie or sculling Dolmio to win $5 at a Leavers’ party.

After a little seafood shopping where Kat is offended by the price of the scallops, but not her reflection in the display case, they hop over to Coles because it’s in their contract to buy at least one ingredient imported from China to undercut local distributors.

The ingredient they pick is almonds for the dessert, which Manu describes as ‘a floater’ and Rico mutters could well be the most ratings-intensive dish of the entire competition.

Hooray!

And then it’s back home to set up their Instant Restaurant, Fin and Tonic, and remind the whole of Australia that there’s no way we should be watching this shite without a stiff drink.

As they set up, Andre says it would be totally wonderful to score in the 80s, but that he’d settle for a 60 just to see the crimson fires of Hades behind Annie’s eyes and Lloyd throw up into his own mouth.

With the restaurant done it’s into the kitchen, where Kat squirms a little putting on the apron that she last wore to serve unsmoked fish and a dessert so small that not even Skinny Pete bothered to purge.

‘We’re looking forward to entertaining some friends and Annie’ she reassures herself, and Andre agrees with the exception of the bit about Annie because rumour has it she’s going to turn up wearing a clown suit and nothing good ever came of a clown with access to steak knives.

While Andre works at his usual glacial pace on the fish, Kat gets on to the bread dough for the dinner rolls, followed by some sugar syrup which she screws up, attempts again, fucks up even more royally, and then gives up in order to go back to the bread.

‘It’s important we make our own bread after we told Ash and Camila they were whores for Brumby’s!’ sings Kat, before adding that she’s got about as much experience in baking as keeping her mouth shut.

Elsewhere in MKR land and Annie is indeed wearing a clown suit and seems to be leading a parade of hapless fools to their doom.

‘They have all the qualities to do well!’ chirps Annie of Kat and Andre, before adding that they are here to reap those qualities and by ‘reap’ of course she means with a scythe because SHE IS THE DEVIL.

Back in the kitchen and the minutes are ticking down and Andre still hasn’t got his stock on.

‘I want to do every part carefully and precisely’ he declares proudly into his fish, which Kat thinks is admirable and wonderful and all, but if the pot doesn’t go on in the next five minutes, the bones going in will be ripped from his spine.

With only minutes before the doorbell Kat and Andre sprint off to get changed and when they return we have no idea what Andre is wearing because all our attention is on Kat’s bulbous globe of a forehead.

‘She’s like Tyra Banks only pasty and white and not at all like a model!’ shrieks Rico pointing a claret-stained finger in terror, while the Dog murmurs that at least Kat is sufficiently self-aware to grow a forehead-concealing fringe, unlike say, Sheri, who could really benefit from some sort of sour-face concealing hessian bag.

Ding Dong!

In they all come and, as is to be expected, there’s a few who have to be coaxed the last few steps past Kat’s receding hairline.

‘I’ve just got my fringe pinned back!’ she explains for the twentieth time, before adding that, no she’s got no intention of making it permanent and, yes, she’s well aware she looks like Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder.

tropic-thunder-tom-cruise

Kat’s new ‘do

With the guests at the table it’s back to the kitchen so Andre can continue to delay getting the stock on and Kat can show her prodigious talent with a meat tenderiser.

‘I’m gently banging it’ she murmurs seductively, before adding that it’s a shame New Idea didn’t publish the more interesting of their wedding photos.

Back out at the table and Lloyd is gushing about how grossed out he is to be surrounded by a pack of girls who haven’t taken the basic steps to improve their looks.  Talk then turns to whether he and Annie have selected names for their future impossibly dysfunctional children.

‘Yes!’ squeals Annie, before revealing they’re keen on Barbie for a girl, Harvey for a boy and Damien if the stars align and Satan chooses to bless them with his offspring.

Back in the kitchen and while Kat gently brings the meat to climax, Andre still hasn’t got the stock on.

‘Ok, I’m ready!’ he announces after 8 hours and 365 days of pratting around picking prawn shell out from under his cuticles.

‘Thank FUCK!’ bellows Kat, before ordering him on to bread duty.

While Andre rolls tiny testicle-sized bread balls and worries that the dough ‘feels weird’, a car rolls up in the driveway and a light suit-jacketed Pete emerges which tells us more clearly than our natural skepticism that tonight is not the HIGHEST SCORE IN MKR HISTORY.

Unfortunately for Australia, Manu hasn’t gotten pushed out of the car at a train crossing, and up to the door they go.

Ding dong!

‘OMG I have to go do my hair!’ screams Kat, which Andre doesn’t argue with because

Pennywise_Movie

Why fringes exist

Anyhoo, she’s back in flash with her fringe in place which means the Dog can stop whimpering and Pete and Manu can actually come into the house.

With the judges at the table, talk turns to the menu and Emilie says not knowing what they are getting is like taking candy from a stranger driving a white panel van – exciting!  Sour-faced Sheri also has no clue what any of the words mean and while she wishes for Google Translate, Rico wishes she’d stop acting like Gordon the Tank Engine on his period.

Back in the kitchen and while the pounded meat wrapped around cheese and asparagus is sizzling in the pan, the oven timer announces it’s time to yank open the door and gasp in horror at the state of the bread.

‘Don’t eat that!’ hisses Rico making the sign of the cross – but it’s too late they’re tucking in, and Andre is happy because although it looks nothing like bread, it has a taste that could possibly be described as ‘breadish’ if the person tasting is a forty-pack-a-day smoker with a single non-functioning taste bud.

Hooray!

After a bit of fluff and jiggle with the plating, out goes the entree looking not at all bad – and tasting not at all bad either according to the judges.

Manu, as always, is thrilled that his bits are pink and tender; Pete, of course, wishes his were a bit pinker – but such are the consequences of shacking up with an age-appropriate woman.

Back to the kitchen they go and Kat performs an oddly Third Reich-esque happy dance before getting on with her creme anglaise for dessert.  Andre’s job, of course, is to work on the soup and ponder out loud whether boiling all the fish in one pot at the same time really is the dumbest decision since Delta’s rehiring on The Voice.

Back at the table and Nikki is marvelling over the fact that she’s cooked this dish a million times, and always thought it was dog food.  Skinny Pete thinks this is just fabulous and grants her one of his ‘special winks’ that usually only go to deaf girls or people who weigh less than 45 kilos.

Sheri, meanwhile, is impressing all and sundry with her ability to see a soup spoon and not hazard a guess at a whole stuffed squab.

‘I like stalking Facebook’ she announces.  ‘Granny isn’t just a great cook, she’s a total slut who’s always friending people called Emilio’.

Elsewhere around the table and while Deb is salivating at the thought of the entire ocean’s population bobbing lifelessly in the bottom of her soup bowl, Jane just wants something crusty that isn’t the result of poor personal hygiene.

Back in the kitchen and things are getting heated because Andre has overcooked the squid to buggery and is attempting to pick every piece out of the pot.

In the dining room, however, Annie has taken the podium to tell the story of how Kat sprayed them with the contents of the entire three courses of Ash and Camila’s instant restaurant – all because she didn’t eat every bite of a disgusting dump of raw mince.

‘Really?’ murmurs everyone else at the table.

‘Oh yes’ confirms Lloyd, who adds that it left everyone feeling horribly awkward – especially after they looked from Annie to Lloyd and realised they might one day be having sex.

According to Nikki, Annie and Lloyd have leaned over too far and given the other contestants a glimpse of strategic cleavage.  Debs agrees and says they seem to be painting Kat and Andre as demons, when everyone knows they’re just a car salesman and the product of too many drugs in the nineties.

Back in the kitchen and plating is getting scrappy because Andre thinks it’s a good idea to balance the deformed nugget of almost-bread on the side of the bowl and let it plonk at random into the broth.

In the end, because the seafood keeps screaming, they dump the bread on a side plate and high tail it all out to the waiting contestants.

‘This has gotta be redemption’ mutters Andre as Skinny Pete tucks in and Manu starts prodding ominously at the bread.  But of course it isn’t, because the fish is overcooked, the bread is a snooker ball and Andre really should have let the broth infuse with flavour for more than ten minutes.

Manu, naturally, takes particular exception to the bread and tells them once and for all that if it tastes like crap and looks like a genetically mutated scrotum DO NOT PUT IT ON THE PLATE.

Trailing blood, they retreat to the kitchen to focus on dessert, leaving vagina-experts Annie and Lloyd to discuss the whether the ‘funky fish smell’ is the result of overcooking or some sort of yeast infection.

While they work, Andre moans that he feels this is all HIS fault, because it was HIS dish and HIS heritage and Rico snaps that this could all have been avoided if he’d just stop pretending to be Italian.

Anyhoo, thanks to Manu we know that the dessert is a meringue ‘floating’ in a cream sauce and that when he was a fifteen year old apprentice he cooked and ate if for every meal because one of the sous chefs told him it would improve his pimples.

Into the oven goes the meringue and because sugar syrup is not Italian, Andre has managed to pump it out with no problems.

Back in the dining room and no-one is particularly excited about the dessert, with the exception of Emma who says she’s never had a ‘floating island’ before, but hopes to Christ that Steve is rich and willing enough to buy her one.

In the kitchen and the meringue has come out looking lovely on top and like a sloppy salmonella hazard on the bottom.  Not to be perturbed, however, Kat gets to work scooping all the slobbery bits off and hoping that Andre’s praline and the contestants fond memories of the raw egg scene in Rocky will do the rest.

Back in the dining room and Annie has opened her heart about the difficulties of being The Devil and having to hide her powers from the judges.

‘We don’t want Kat and Andre to be at the bottom of the leader board’ she insists, when talk turns to strategic voting.

‘But someone has to be!’ sparkles Lloyd, while doodling zeros and goat sex onto his napkin.

Out comes the entree and Annie mutters something about it being ‘beige’ and that being ‘trouble’ because no Disney princess ever wore beige other than that indigenous ingrate, Pocahontas.  Deb thinks the meringue looks perfectly cooked, and shockingly enough, so do the judges.

While Manu bangs on about his fifteen year old self, Skinny Pete describes the anglaise as ‘spectacular’ and makes Annie swallow so hard Rico wonders if she’s still got some of that bread in there.

‘It was a brilliant dessert’ says Manu after twenty minutes of yawing on about his pimples and a snooty waitress called Dominique, and finally the other teams can actually eat.

While Kat and Andre hug in the kitchen, a rather different sort of reception is coming from the other teams.

‘I don’t like it’ says Nikki.

‘It’s not really to my taste’ says Jane.

‘I really think this deserves a minus 600 out of ten’ chirps Annie.

Onto the team scores and Jane and Emma and Nikki and Katie both think the overall performance was ‘average’ and score them a five.  Besties Eva and Debra and Sheri and Emilie also think it was ‘average’, but because they’ve got the mathematical knowledge of a box of cat litter, that means fours.

Rico throws his Pringles on the floor in disgust because he hasn’t forgiven Sheri and Emilie for high-scoring the budget Thor impersonator, and now together with Eva and Debs, they just might be responsible for Lucifer and his lady friend Lloyd getting over to Kitchen HQ!

Speaking of the Bringer of Darkness, she and Lloyd score a 3 because it’s a precarious balance between wanting Kat and Andre dead and plausible deniability.

When the team total of 21 is announced Kat forgets how to blink and Andre mutters that someone is voting strategically – and how is that possible when they were stuck in the kitchen?  Rico grumbles that this is no more than asked for, and now it will come down to Skinny Pete and Manu and whether the glimpse of Annie’s cloven hooves will drag Kat and Andre below 59.

After the entree scores eights and the main scores twos, Rico thinks there’s still a chance due to Skinny Pete describing the dessert as ‘spectacular’ and Manu getting all moist about his younger years.

Unfortunately, however, it’s not to be, with Pete retracting his ‘spectacular’ and replacing it with ‘very good’, and Manu saying that while he thought it was ‘good to be fifteen again’, the reality was all bloated, spotty cheeks and erectile dysfunction.

And so a final pair of eights leads to 57 and hel-lo scoreboard basement.

While Lloyd struggles not to leap to his feet and bleat out his joy, Beelzebub Annie squeezes out a few tears by remembering how God booted her out of Heaven with a foot that he didn’t even bother to wash first.

Meanwhile, Voice Over Man announces what we already know:  that tomorrow is the night of the HIGHEST SCORE IN MKR HISTORY.  That Emilie and Sheri will score their best buddies a ten.  And that Manu will get so trashed he loses the ability to lock his wrist and starts finding Debra attractive.

Until tonight, lovers!

xo Flawless

 

4 Responses to “MKR – Kat and Andre Scored by the Mathematically Challenged”

  1. Maude March 11, 2015 at 1:54 pm #

    OH FLAWLESS, Like the forehead wasn’t gonna go global at some point? It’s been hard going bald since birth and all the planes crashing into our house when I decide to take my Pharrell Williams Nigo Mountain Hat off and blinded everything from postmen to MH370.. Thanks for noticing. Like an abusive relationship, you’re still the hottest thing going round since Buswell started sniffing chairs and Ian Hewitson took his suspenders off.

    • flawlessvision March 12, 2015 at 1:19 am #

      When you said Buswell I got all excited thinking about Gary Busey. I love large teeth almost as much as large foreheads xo

      • moya March 12, 2015 at 2:14 pm #

        Gary Busey, not sure if that was a Segway, cause we’re both going grey and bald? Or cause we both look like we buy adult electric parts from those who send back faulty Nutra bullets? Either way, way like a vampire at dawn, we’re tired.
        Australia hates us.. I’m going to reside to making picnic cargo holders for the Cassie Donovan’s, Diapers for the Geoffrey Edelstein’s and barbed wire tampons for the Gabbi Grecko’s aka anal plugs if you’re Bruce Jenner (I know who I’d get more excited for if Playboy did a centrefold).. We came, we saw, and we failed. Its a shame we got dissed so bad, I thought we made it fun, but according to popular consensus, we have fun vitamising refugee embryos so, toodles Flawzaaa xx

    • flawlessvision March 13, 2015 at 3:27 am #

      Australia just loves drinking the Kool Aid Angel, don’t take it to heart. Next time you go on a reality show just make sure you have a tonne of photogenic children or an endearing stutter. We love your antics xo

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