Don’t argue with us, lovers! We make a living out of crass analogies and euphemisms and and if we’re right that Annie is one of those girls ‘saving herself’ for her boyfriend’s proposal, it stands to reason that Lloyd is so minge-obsessed he can’t even say the F Word without coming.
Anyhoo, we knew tonight was going to be strange, but we’d kinda assumed these two could cook in an alternative, hippy-virgin sort of way.
Boy were we wrong about that.
The day starts with the problem of the too-big fish, because all the fishmongers are being inconvenient with their big, ugly looking fish and Annie and Lloyd want to serve one that’s been through deportment classes. When they finally locate a seller who has what they want, they discover it was all a big lie and that Lloyd will have to ride on the roof rack just so they can fit it all in the boot.
Back at the house and the setting for their vagina theme is naturally all about candles, bushy plants and a strange drink in an opaque flask. The menu is also sexually implicit with ‘buns’ for entree, ‘something fishy’ for main and a mousse with a ‘musky odour’ for dessert.
Jumping forward to the other teams arriving and Shaz was sure they’d be getting pink fairy floss because Annie loves pink and it never occurred to her that Lloyd can’t keep his thoughts out of his girlfriend’s crotch.
The ‘potion’ is another surprise because it tastes disgusting and apparently they’re supposed to finish it.
In the kitchen and all the work is going into the steamed buns and the hot mixture Lloyd can’t wait to inject into them. But before he can get too carried away, Skinny Pete and Manu arrive and it’s all about welcoming them without pointing out that Manu might want to consider going up a jacket size.
Without too much fuss (if you look over the fact that the curry looked like excrement) the entree comes out and while the judges gush about how good it smelled, the tasted didn’t nearly match up.
Lloyd is devastated because ‘Mystic Hollow’ is supposed to be a taste sensation and is this a sign that Annie doesn’t believe in vaginal douching?
Back to the kitchen they go so that the other teams can choke on the cardamon pods (Chuck), and push their food onto Shaz’s plate (everyone else).
Main time and the fish is on the table so that Lloyd can wield a large knife and bemoan the fact that Nemo was much better looking.
“Let’s cover its eyes with a lemon slice!’ Annie trills, which Lloyd thinks is a simply brilliant idea because then the fish won’t look at him all judgy when he hacks the tail and fins off for no fucking reason.
Back out in the restaurant and Shaz is leading the charge against whole fish by saying they taste ‘different’.
‘Better!’ suggests Manu, but Shaz disagrees which leads everyone else to consider that either she’s only ever been served bad whole fish, or she really IS the narrow-minded Chicko Roll and spearmint milk swilling bogan of our bestest, drunkest dreams.
Back in the kitchen and Lloyd is still grossed out – this time by the skin.
‘Do we take it off? Leave it on? I can’t stop doubting myself!’
Annie thinks they should definitely leave it on – because serving fish without skin is like having sex with the lights on. Lloyd ponders for a bit but eventually agrees – on the proviso that he can still cover the face up (hers, not the fish).
Out in the restaurant and time is passing in the usual way with Lynzey being really good looking and Ash using her lips to offer her impression of Annie’s first vaginal burp. Rico reckons it’s probably not too far from the truth, and that it would be interesting to see how Lloyd handles it if it wasn’t for the fact that that would mean he’d have to watch them have sex first.
Back in the kitchen and the fish just isn’t cooking, the rice is a mess and the producers still haven’t burst in on them shouting ‘IMPOSTERS!’. Realising they can’t keep the other teams waiting any longer, they decide to plate up, and hope that the fish is cooperative enough to keep cooking in the bag until its true hideousness can be revealed at the table.
And it first it seems like this may have occurred, because when the judges open their packages, steam rises and Annie and Lloyd clasp their hands together tightly and pray the lemon slice stays put.
But – uh oh – it’s bad news once again, because the rice is bland, the flesh is raw and some fool put all the tasty bits where you can’t bloody TASTE THEM.
Back to the kitchen they scurry, only to discover that the mousse is a bit on the runny side.
‘At least we know what we’re serving!’ consoles Annie, which Rico reckons explains the context of the past two dishes rather perfectly.
Back at the table and Shaz is predicting the dessert will look as ‘hot’ as a 50 year old marching down to the TAB in high-waisted short-shorts. Robert, on the other hand, doesn’t care what it looks like, only hopes that it will make his ‘tongue slap his brain out’ so that he can have it replaced with another one with more bull stories.
In the kitchen and the crap has jumped out of the fan straight into the fire because the ‘sugared petals’ are just soggy flowers and Lloyd is now officially squeamish enough to join the priesthood.
As they take it out, Annie is sad because they had ‘imagined such a different dessert’.
‘TRY COOKING IT FIRST, YOU IDIOTS!’ Bellows a rather fed-up Rico, and not even the dog tells him to calm down because TRUTH.
And yet, it isn’t as bad as they all thought, with Manu enjoying the flavour and Pete confessing that, unlike the first two courses, he thinks he can motion for the stagehand to take away his bucket.
While all this is going on, of course, Kat and Andre are brimming with the twin beacons of hope and the cutthroat certainty that Voting Like Assholes – The Sequel will be screening in a restaurant near them tonight!
Which means another two from them, a drunken six from Jac and Shaz, and a mix of threes and fours from the rest. Giving them a combined total of 19.
And it’s equally brutal from the judges for the first two courses, with two threes for entree, and a three and a two (Manu) for main. It’s no surprise then that the judges all of a sudden remember Annie’s capacity to bawl openly in mixed company (and fear that Lloyd is about to do the same) and give them a 7 (Pete) and 8 (Manu) for dessert.
The moral of the story? Something very clever about vaginas.
Until tomorrow, lovers!