Bold and the Beautiful Weekly Snark (2-6 February 2015)

8 Feb


So in this week’s BB we learned that Brooke is suffering from an embarrassing memory loss, Wyatt failed to lose his love handles or win back his wife, and nu-Ridge has decided to ditch poetry in favour of painting because naked Caroline.

The week started with the big stand-off at Forrester HQ in which Brooke demanded the second coming of the Slut From the Valley step back so that Rick could return to his marital bed and, presumably, discharge weaponry at closer range.

The big flaws in the Brookster’s plan, of course, were that Caroline had no intention of being point-blank target practice and Rick doesn’t even PLAY his X-Box anymore, let alone worry about it being taken away.

She then turned to the second part of her brilliant scheme:  Operation Intimidation.  The issue with this being that it was devised on a solid foundation of Someone Else’s Life – because while Brookie clearly hasn’t been paying attention, we have, and that means we have a whole dossier of past examples of Brooke doing a hell of a lot more than clicking her fingers and still ending up with another Taylor/Ridge wedding or, worse, sex with Eric.

She then went off to yak about her plan to some bloated guy living rent-free in another woman’s loft – Deacon.  Deacon, of course, bolstered the Brookster in all the right places by telling her she was irresistible and trying to get her drunk so he could root her.  As happens so often, though, to sad fat guys looking to get a leg over, the owner of the flat turned up and instead of sloppy drunk ex-sex, poor Deacs had to settle for placating his landlady.

Oh Brooke, we adore you, but next week is going to be so cringe worthy we may just have to get too drunk to remember it.

Also featuring heavily this week was Liam enlisting the help of his ex-wife, Steffy, to ruin his relationship with Ivy oust Rickster from Forrester.  Steffy, naturally, was less interested in handing over her inheritance than berating Caroline and Ridge for wanting to have sex with each other rather than a gun-toting midget and any woman old enough to cultivate arm cellulite.

Rico reckons it’s amazing neither Ridge nor Caroline cut Steffy off mid-sentence to bring up the real problem:  those terminally budget-looking hair extensions.  But then again, they were probably just keen to let her finish so they could sneak off to Ridge’s new ‘art studio’ and give Steffy something to really get pissed about.

Speaking of pissed, Wyatt came home from trying to talk Hope down from her high horse (‘good luck with that, buddy’ – everyone) full of rage at Deacon, his mother, the demented gun-toting goblin and anyone else who wasn’t said wife.  He’d failed, you see, because Hope is still everyone’s favourite asshole and is still solidly placing the blame for her miscarriage on him rather than her mother’s architect, her choice in footwear or the fact that she’s an ASSHOLE.

Liam, of course, told him that that sucked hard, but what sucked harder was him quitting Forrester without considering the glorious pawn he could play in he and daddy’s grand take-over scheme.  Wyatt, probably because he remembered his pathetic job history and that the only person likely to give him a good reference is his mother, agreed to play along, and so the scene is set for Wyatt to do nothing at all of any value but still have some screen time.

And finally we came to the fastest moving reconciliation in history:  Katie and Bill, because now that Katie is re-employed with childcare benefits and has a rock the size of the Titanic iceberg on her finger, it’s apparently ok to go back to the man who came just a helicopter’s propeller-shy of marrying her sister.

Rico swears he remembers a scene between Bill and nu-Ridge in which Bill implied that, compared to Brooke, Katie was deader in bed than a blow-up Hilary Clinton.  I also seem to remember something along these lines, so it will be interesting how the writers handle the inevitable Bill and Katie wedding night to see whether they are keen on continuing this theme, or scrapping it in favour of a prop-heavy all-nighter.

Spoilers for next week indicate that Brooke is going to seek a thorough rogering, but walk away with a thorough rejecting at the hands of Ridge, and that Steffy is going to leave Liam with zero doubt that the only way to remove himself from a perpetual love triangle is to marry Wyatt and give Quinn permission to kill off the rest of the population.

Edge-of-your-seat stuff, lovers!

xo Flawless


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