Welcome back, lovers, I hope you also had a fabulous weekend of such uncontained drunkenness that you too can remember none of it! And now to bring you all back down to the bottom of the barrel where you so richly belong…
The show starts with, naturally, those three gunshots. And what’s this? Dead Ridge? Dead Caroline? No! Nobody’s dead because Rickster was just trying to enhance their make-out session with the aphrodisiac of fear!
Ridge, like Rico, reckons that’s just a crock load of shit and grabs the gun from Evil Ricky before shoving it into a drawer and leaping backwards with a full set of Jazz Hands.
‘You shot at us you cretinous little imp!’ he shrieks.
‘I did NOT!’ snaps the Rickster, who explains that he fired at the wall because the wall was just sitting on it’s fucking HANDS while Ridge was all over his damned WIFE!
Enter the triple clown show of Pam, Charlie and some guy who usually has his shirt off, and Rick wastes no time explaining that Ridge is a feral old pervert who was trying to Soon Yi his wife. Because Charlie is mentally deficient, instead of actually acting like a member of security he hustles his wrinkled ass out the door leaving the usually shirtless man to say something dull and Pam to wonder whether Ridge and Caroline would mind if she joined the party.
Speaking of parties, Liam is definitely not having one because it’s time for the post-coital discussion about feelings in which he’s obligated to swear blind he wouldn’t leave Ivy for any other woman with a pulse.
Ivy, clearly sensing that her performance was not exactly five star, hints that she was a virgin in the hope that Liam will propose marriage. Unfortunately for her Liam is in no hurry to get another Forrester’s ring around his hitching finger and she has to settle for some more fondling.
Elsewhere in BB land and it’s back to Brooke still trying to get her aging head around exactly why Oprah Winfrey is standing in front of her in lingerie.
‘I’m MAYA!!!’ screeches the Oprah-lookalike. ‘And don’t give me the side-eye when you rooted your own DAUGHTER’S husband!’
‘At least Deacon was hot,’ mutters Brooke, before telling Maya to go upstairs and get dressed so she can have a chat about Karma with Stephanie’s portrait.
Back to the fastest gun at Forrester and Ridge is having trouble with the Rickster referring to Caroline as his ‘wife’ when she doesn’t even have a string tied around her finger.
‘Do you want her or not?’ Ridge questions, to which Rickums replies ‘no’ but that he just can’t stand the thought of her waking up to a glass of false teeth and the smell of an overflowing bed pan. He then tells Caroline to expect a visit from his lawyer, and not because his lawyer is a fucking idiot who will probably stumble into her office while looking for the toilet.
Back over to the Brooke and Maya show and Maya has gotten dressed in a sleeveless white shirt in the hope that the sight of her sausage arms will distract Brooke from the fact that she’s currently taking all her dumps in Eric’s toilet.
Brooke, who has seen waaaay worse than Maya’s sausage arms in Taylor’s face, wants to know exactly why Rick isn’t happily married to Caroline when Eric, like, totally assured her that the only reason he made Ricky CEO was because he was good at his marriage – if at nothing else.
‘Caroline cheated on Rick with RIDGE!’ blurts Maya, and while Brooke’s botoxed forehead works double-time to react to this information, Rico mutters that it’s damned lucky Ivy is otherwise occupied because this would be her moment to burst through the door and holler that it was just a few kisses.
‘How could Caroline DO this? ‘ Brooke wonders tearfully, adding that Rickers was so damned devoted the least Caroline could have done was overlook the fact that he’s shorter than an Oompa Loompa.
‘And that’s why he needs ME!’ gushes Maya. ‘I’ve done waaaay uglier than Rickers in my time on the street and MY aunt couldn’t have blown a balloon – let alone Ridge’s penis.’
Speaking of Ridge’s dick, it’s firmly out of his hand because, with Rick and company gone, his fingers are busy wanting to call the police.
‘Please don’t, Ridge!’ begs Caroline. ‘He didn’t MEAN to shoot at us!’
‘The FUCK he didn’t!’ roars Ridge. ‘He could have killed both of us! Or worse – just me!’
‘But he didn’t!’ wheedles Caroline. ‘He’s a gutless little turd who shot at the wall!’
‘You don’t know that!’ hollers Ridge. ‘He could have been aiming at your tits and missed because – well – where the hell are they?’
Rico reckons all this begging is pointless because if Ridge didn’t call the cops on Bill for tossing him out of a helicopter – or Taylor for wearing that face to bed – there’s no way he’s doing it now.
And, of course, he doesn’t because now’s the time to tell Caroline that he’s leaving Forrester and that she should ‘run away’ with him to start their own rival fashion house. And this time he won’t call it something stupid like ‘Logan Designs’ – not when ‘Ridgeline Designs’ sounds so AWESOME!
The show ends with Caroline wondering if it’s just the light or if Ridge really does look closer to sixty, and Rico reckons when the Caroline vs. Brooke showdown finally occurs, it better be more satisfactory than that weak sack of crap we got today with Maya.
Until next time lovers!