So yesterday’s episode ended with Deranged Midget Rick lying on his back like a sprayed cockroach, because Liam was on a mission to impress the ladies and prove that Quinn isn’t the only one who can shove an annoying little bitch into next week.
Also getting in on the screamy action was Ivy, the Australian Forrester with the pretty face and less sex appeal than week-old roadkill. Ivy, you see, is convinced that Ricky is only behaving like a Deranged Midget because a) he’s short and b) he still loves Caroline. And while my partner in snark, Rico, reckons there’s a good chance she’s on the money, her inability to shut up about it has us dangerously close to wishing Liam had slugged her, not the Rickster.
Anyhoo the show opens with Liam standing with his chest puffed out and telling Deranged Midget that Caroline and Ivy are ‘my people’ and if Rickles has any further plans to squeal like a sunburned child, he’ll have to go borrow Quinn’s sword and finish the job she fucked up only a few months ago. Rickster, being the Big Boss his brain-addled father signed off on, rightly says that Liam can’t say shit, and if he wants to fire Caroline, Ivy and even Special-Needs Pam, then he’ll damn well do it.
Elsewhere in BB land and it’s time for some fun in Katie’s new VP office where Bill is trying to convince her to forget the time his penis got a crush on her sister and take him back. Katie, newly single after hacking a path free from hairy Ridge, is giving him all kinds of YES signs – presumably because her post-partum mental illness has returned and she hasn’t the wits to realise that, with Brooke’s absence, this is awfully fucking convenient.
Back to Rickers and co and Liam is demanding a blow-by-blow account of exactly why the Deranged Midget got all deranged, courtesy of Ivy and Caroline.
Rico rolls his eyes because this is just handing Ivy the opportunity to open her fat mouth and start yabbering on some more about how Rick = LOVE, and if he could just accept that equation he’d stop acting like such a rancid wanker and let his wife get on with dabbing ointment on his brother’s beard rash.
When she’s finally done, Liam turns to Rick and demands that he think about daddy Eric in all this – because does he really think the mad old codger would actually be proud?
‘Who gives a fat fuck!?’ screams a purple-faced Rickles. And The Dog nods thoughtfully because, after all, Eric is so far gone it’s a miracle he hasn’t tried to get into Pam’s trousers.
Liam tries one more time to appeal to the Deranged Midget’s memories of being the non-red-headed but similarly unloved stepchild, but Rickers is having none of it because Liam is ‘his father’s son’ and apparently that’s only a good thing when your daddy has a big company and is almost too senile to do up his man-bra.
Back to Bill and Katie and Bill is reminding Katie that walking around with Ridge’s string on her hitching finger for X- months is one of the Top Three Signs that she should jump straight back into a relationship with her faithless ex – him. Katie acknowledges that the string was a mistake – not because she didn’t want to marry Ridge, but because a pubic hair would have had so much more meaning.
Over to Caroline, Liam and Ivy because they’ve left Ricky’s office and have gathered to discuss the possibility of giving Eric a call to remind him he’s a senile old dip shit. They decide against it, though, because no-one likes to be a tattle-tale and the chances of Eric actually understanding what they say is up there with Ivy giving a decent blowjob.
But, oh god, speaking of that, it’s time for Caroline to exit and Liam to tell Ivy that he has ‘something special’ planned for their night together. Rico reckons this is hideous news because what with Steffy’s imminent return a ‘special night’ can only mean First Sexual Congress and if their party of two on NYE was any indication, temperatures are set to get AWKWARD.
Back over with Katie and Bill and Katie has ruined all Bill’s fun by getting a sad face and reminding him that no power on Earth could have yanked him away from Brooke’s vagina just a few months ago and what in the hell’s changed? Bill dodges the question and declares that it is now his mission in life to completely rewrite history and convince Katie that none of that shit ever happened and that she doesn’t actually HAVE a sister called Brooke, just a hamster named Herman. Katie starts to cry because it’s possible she DID have such a hamster and that Donna probably stole it for one of her Internet porn-casts.
The show ends with a scotch-swilling Rickster replaying Ridge Was a Giant Meanie – The Greatest Hits and caressing the gun that Stephanie would probably want to use on herself if she was still alive and married to Eric.
Oh, lovers, the drama!!!