So in the lead-up to Blake once again spilling his guts to Carrie Bickmore on The Project – only this time with Louise – Rico and I sent the dog down to the shops to pick up a Woman’s Day and a couple of large buckets to be copiously sick into. And, boy, did we need them, because take a look at some of the schlock these two delusional bitches managed to spit out – presumably with a straight face:
‘I knew I still loved her the moment she walked in and into my arms’ – Blake
‘Australia needs to forgive him. He ended something he knew wasn’t right to be respectful’ – Louise
But best of all were the non-subtle middle fingers Louise managed to jab in the general direction of Sam, Lisa and anyone else who dares to query what the fuckity she’s thinking:
‘When they (other girls) find their own love, they’ll understand why you sometimes give things up for it’
And in a special fuck-you from Blake to Jess:
‘We’re moving in together, not simply moving across the country to start dating’
Rico reckons the last time he read such self-indulgent douchebaggery it was when Lance Armstrong was still pretending to be filling his veins with hard work and Ibeatcancer and that Blake’s ‘letter to Louise’ is about as convincing as a hamster in a shopping trolley impersonating a Harley Davidson.
According to Blake, the thought of Louise’s indelible lipstick and indigestible caramel slice haunted his thoughts from the minute he waved her off in South Africa to propose to another woman, and he has ‘never felt so right with anyone’ in his life. Except of course for those few seconds when he got a touch swept away in the moment and proposed to another woman. Which, let’s face it, happens allllllllll the time.
The Dog reckons it’s a miracle Woman’s Day managed to publish this dross without putting it in Comic Sans font and ending every sentence with a projectile yack emoticon, and that our hope for the Truth now rests with the orangest creature in journalism who will hopefully pose following questions:
- You say you’ve always been honest and genuine – is that why you lied so hard your ring exploded in a fiery ball of LIES in your last interview?
- You say you proposed to Sam because it was a ‘surreal situation’ – does that mean you were off your tits on African ganja?
- Why don’t you ever talk about Lisa? Is it because you nearly proposed to her as well and that makes your explanation as deeply pathetic as the woman sitting next to you? Sorry, Louise (optional).
- You’ve said there was no ‘passion’ with Sam – does that mean she’s a dead root? Are YOU a dead root? You seem like a dead root (optional).
- You said before your heart was broken. Was it really your dick that was broken? Did Sam break your dick?
- Did Louise’s dad make you write that letter? And, if so, how far up did his Winchester Special get before you shat all over the barrel?
Brace yourselves for six thirty lovers!