Mother of CRAP people, cancel last night’s recap because guess who won’t be kissing his bride any time soon!
Rico reckons we should have seen this coming the minute Blake starting talking about the kind of love he was after, because if this is ‘big love’:
What in thousand-wife fundamentalist hell is ‘big, BIG love’?
Oh poor Sammy. Even impossibly jaded Rico shed a tiny, black tear last night when Blake tested the seams of his pants by getting down on one knee. Because she really didn’t seem to believe it was possible until it actually happened. And, well, ugh it sucks to be right, doesn’t it Sam?
Word on Douche Street is that Blake is the new King because he’s basically pocketed the $250 000 Proposal Bonus and then hotfooted it straight back to Ibiza. According to Sam’s Twitter account, she’s ‘just as in the dark as we are’. Only, Slutty Sam, we aren’t really in the dark at all because we’ve spent the last five minutes or so since we found out scrutinizing the evidence at hand and coming up with The Truth!
So if you can’t handle it, loyal readers, now might be the time to wait for the Woman’s Day article which is apparently ‘straight from the horse’s mouth’. And by ‘horse’ they mean, of course, that most fickle of all nags, Blake. Because apparently he’s gotten off Tinder long enough to collect yet another ill-earned paycheck.
We also strenuously encourage you to ignore the rumors that the reason Blake broke up with Sam is because Lisa is pregnant. We also encourage you to ignore the one poor Anita tried to start this morning – because as much as we’d love it if Blake had thrown a turkey baster up to her window and begged her to carry his child, well, not all dreams are meant to come true, now, are they.
And just what is The Truth, I hear you ask? Well here’s a clue for you:
Ok, we know this isn’t actually Blake’s grandmother, but we couldn’t find a real picture of her so this elegantly dressed creature will do. Remember on the show last night when granny told Blake to pick someone ‘real’ and that she would ‘get a look at them’ when he returned? How many of you at the time thought ‘oh dear, what if nanna puts her crusty old foot down?’
And for those of you thinking: ‘Is that what happened? Did granny take one look at Sam and then belt Blake in the face with her crucifix?’ We say: no, Bachelor Lovers, she did not! But that is exactly what Blake wanted you to think.
From the minute Blakey boy started this whole ‘path to love’, he was actually plonking his trotters down on the ‘path to bucks’. And, lets face it, the stage was set for everyone to be a bit more trusting this year since last year’s bach, Tim Robards, actually turned out to a reasonable creature who didn’t turn around to his chosen lady the minute the cameras had stopped to mutter: ‘don’t suppose you can drop me at the airport do you, sweetcheeks?’
No, because Tim was True, it was natural we would believe Blake was the same. So much so that even when he pashed every questionably genetically assembled creature in sight, we still cooed and pondered and believed that he was just having a bit of fun before settling for his last living rooting partner.
Oh alright, we snarked, but most of the posters on The Bachelor Facebook page did.
And, boy, was he banking on that. He knew that we would trust him – particularly when he was the poor fatherless child who had been raised by women. Because raised by women means raised to love and respect women, areweright?
Wrong wrongity wrong!
Rico reckons it pains him greatly to admit that the whole time we thought we were on the right drunken track, we were off pants less in the bushes in danger of being devoured by last season’s Ali. Because just like everyone else, we worried that Sincere Blake would be swayed by the words of his mother and, even more so, his grandmother. But the reality is that these women may as well just head down to some Government department and file the paperwork to change their names to Lee Harvey Oswald 1 and Lee Harvey Oswald 2 because, impeccably styled though they are, can anyone spell D-E-C-O-Y-S?
Think back to the first night Blake met all the prospective bachelorettes. How is it that he would end up choosing the one woman who, on the surface, would seem the least likely to attract a mother, let alone a grandmother’s, approval? Not only was she the bottle blonde with a shakey eyebrow pencil hand, but she was also just brimming with colloquial boganisms and admitted in her intro video to dating half the men in her home state.
The answer, of course, is that this was EXACTLY the kind of girl Blakey was looking for.
Of course, producers don’t always play along, do they Blake? After the spat with Laurina at the Cocktail Party where Sam demonstrated a winning ability to balance the F-word on her tongue without choking on her canapes, the editing team backed right off. Suddenly she was the sweet girl, the shy girl, the goofy girl. And that was no good at all because Blake’s plan RELIED on her being Trash-Talking Tansy!
But what could he do? The show was already filmed! He’d picked her! Proposed to her! He couldn’t just do an about-face and move on to the only other girl a mother would rather kill herself than open her front door to: Amber. So how the hell was he supposed to keep the cash without having to spend any of it on Salad Bar for 2 at Sizzler?
And then, of course, came that fateful anonymous call to Kyle and Jackie O which revealed that one of Blake’s Final Five was a working girl.
‘Poor Blake!’ we all squealed. ‘What if he hasn’t just picked ‘the ONE’ but has picked ‘THE one!’
Rico reckons he is kicking himself and me, but not the dog – never the Dog – for not realizing straight away that it was Blake who orchestrated that call. The editing team had let him down – Slutty Sam was the people’s hero! How on earth was he supposed to break up with a girl that even gran was starting to warm to? But if she were rumoured to be a sex worker? Yes! He, of course, would be gentlemanly and sensitive enough to overlook it and love ‘the person’ not ‘the profession’ – but would the women who raised him? And if they didn’t. If they just couldn’t – how could he ignore the pull of a lifetime of loyalty?
Of course he would deny it. He would blame it on ‘the real world’ and ‘wanting different things’. And those who suspected would think kindly of him for keeping Sam’s secret. For citing ‘irreconcilable differences’ instead of ‘my fiancée was a whore’.
That’s right, lovers. Blake was back on track. He had a reason to dump Sam before he actually had to start living with her. He would never have to spend a hard-earned cent on a crushingly dull mini-break in Augusta. And when he walked into a bar, not even the most hardcore Sam-loving bartender would have the heart to spit in his drink.
Because it’s no fun spending a $250 000 bonus if all you’re doing is getting trashed on some hater’s saliva.
Oh Blake, you played us all!
Until next year, lovers!