So after last night’s show the Dog spent a good hour slapping us sharply and telling us to pull ourselves together before giving up and leaving us in a drunken, sniggering heap because, sometimes, when a show is THIS good, we just totally forget that we’re Professional Journalists and are paid
nothing at all to write about it.
But however messy we may have been last night, we’re here now and, like Blake, we’re ready to commit to a recap that may or may not be all about Louise’s face.
The show starts and here’s Blake in Capetown, South Africa, strolling along a beach completely unaware that Louise’s face is set to steal the show at the next Rose Ceremony because, you guessed it, he’s blathering on about how he has no idea which one of these girls has the potential to turn Blake Jnr. into 12 inches of solid cattiatore. And because he’s so unsure, why not head over to the jeweler no-one wants to make eye-contact with: Bundy’s?
This time behind the counter there’s a whispily bearded creature who is excited by the prospect of helping Blake design an engagement ring so ugly even Amber would look dainty and whimsical by comparison. Blake is also excited, because he’s got marriage on his tiny mind and the most expensive thing he’s ever had a hand in making was a Whopper double beef ADD CHICKEN.
Meanwhile, here’s our final three gals skulling champagne in the airport lounge in preparation for being their flight’s most obnoxious passengers. Leading the drunken charge, of course, is Slutty Sam, who reckons she just fucken loves EVERYONE. Lisa also loves EVERYONE and is extra happy because Jess is nowhere in the vicinity. And Louise is just hoping Blake will be waiting for them at Arrivals with a welcome sign and no obvious symptoms of Ebola.
Rico reckons, because we don’t actually see what happens on the plane, we can happily assume they drunked their way through the flight and made lots of inappropriate jokes about hunting down and rooting the Air Martial. They probably then had a couple of days to recover from the pig of all hangovers, because when Sam fronts up to Blake at about 4 in the morning for her ‘date’, she’s looking remarkably well hydrated and not remotely in need of a cold bathroom tile to press her face against.
Rico reckons a 4am date can only mean one thing: Dirty Street Pie! He’s wrong, though, because Blake has something even more horrifying in mind and, no, it’s not another trip to Bunda.
‘People travel from all over the world to do this’ Blake mumbles, before announcing that, yes, they’ll be jumping on a boat, hopping into a cage and swimming with
the rejected contestants Great Whites. To her credit, Sam hides her terror that her make-up is less than waterproof, and makes a good job of pointing out seals and then keeping down her breakfast when Amber appears out of the water and shows her how she’s been spending her last few weeks.
‘Let’s dive there!’ squeals Blake, who ‘can’t look away’ from the seal breakfast because he’s just realised he forgot to have his.
First into the cage is Sam who appears to have objected to the ‘dive’ part of their date because she’s not even wearing a bloody snorkel. Still, in the short time that she can hold her breath, she catches a glimpse of Anita and then that angry old one who ranted so hard she burst a blood vessel on the come-back show. When she re-emerges, Blake joins her and this time when they go under, the weaker bachelorettes have scattered because Amber’s back in town and, as always, she just wants answers.
‘Aarrgghhh!’ squeals Blake before gushing that ‘this is the craziest thing he’s ever done’ and now does everyone get why he never took that crazy Canadian bitch on a single date?
Once they’re out of the cage it’s time for Sam to freshen up and Laurina to scream ‘noooooooooooooooooooo!!!’ because, that’s right folks, Date Part 2 is taking place on a luxury yacht.
To the cameras Sam reckons she’s ‘looking forward to having a real conversation’ with Blake, as opposed to doing Titanic poses on the prow and counting the chunks of seal flesh stuck in Amber’s teeth. And sure enough, as soon as they’re settled with the obligatory champers and nibblets, she’s chewing his ear off about her ‘feelings’ because, well, semi-fucking-FINALS.
But what’s this? She’s hinting at him being ‘disappointed’ in her; that he should know ‘everything’ before he ‘decides’; that those rumours about one of Blake’s final four being a SECRET PROSTITUTE were very interesting because… Because…
‘Yeessss?’ murmurs Blake at his reclining, seductive best.
Well, because, actually, hand on her
mouth heart, she kinda, sorta wuvs him.
You see, she tells Blake, as much as she loves Louise and Lisa because Louise has got giant bobbly ankles and Louise has grim little granny lips, the thought of him going on a date with either of them is like a busted bottle of Jack’s straight to the heart and her monosyllabic, grunting cunt of a brother LOVED HIM SO MUCH HE ACTUALLY SPOKE and, well, if that’s not love, what in bogan hell is?? Plus, she can tell by the way he slow-blinks at her exactly like Jess used to that he wants to casually date her for ages before making any kind of commitment.
Rico reckons if you pack a bunch of pigs in one basket there’s always going to be some bitch begging you for bacon, and this is just like that situation because, right now, he’d love a great big 5kg slab to belt himself unconscious with.
Anyhoo, Blake reckons if Sam could only see herself through his eyes she’d know for sure that she’s park trash with verbal diarrhea whose sister married a bald guy just for a nice house on the Mornington Penninsula. He also reckons he’s so happy she finally dumped the L-bomb because, well, one down, two to go bitches! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
After a precious little ad break featuring some sort of vaginal spray, it’s time for the sun to rise and Louise to switch to an American accent and drape herself in Zamels at gun-point.
Rico reckons it’s interesting that Louise is wearing Zamels when Sam got to wear Bunda – and because they’re the ones making the engagement ring it means either:
1) Bundas doesn’t want to dress the loser and Louise is road kill in waiting, or
2) Bundas IS Zamels and holy mother of cheap, disgusting-looking accessories, that would explain everything! Moving on, though, because Blake has once more pulled out his book of repeat dates because he’s taking Louise back to a winery. And, uh oh, there’s more signs that Louise is a goner because she’s talking about this being ‘next level’ and the last girl to say that was our favourite messy drunk, Chantal and we all know how that ended.
Anyhoo, because Louise looks like an entitled white woman, there’s a black waiter with a tray of drinks and a whole troupe of black singers who, like Rico, can’t keep their eyes off the wine tasting barrel in the background.
To the cameras, Blake says that he’s not sure if Louise ‘gets him’ like Slutty Sam and Ludicrously Loaded Lisa, and what better way to test her than with some smoked trout and a few hints about how utterly shit broke he is on the outside.
Unfortunately for poor Louise, she completely misses the subtext and gushes about how ‘this’ is what she wants, ‘right here right now’.
‘But you’re not going to get ‘this’ you dumb bitch!’ mutters Blake, before giving up and getting stuck into the produce.
Anyhoo, because the singing is winding to a close, it’s time for Louise to get teary because if she can just show Blake that musical black people make her cry, maybe he’ll buy her tickets to Chris Brown.
Moving on from the winery, though, because the second half of their date is Louise’s third and final – as it turns out – Cellulite Inspection. Naturally, all Blake’s problem areas are submerged in water by the time Louise trots out after losing a lengthy battle with wardrobe over a sarong.
To the cameras, Louise says that she’s never felt this bloated in her life and it’s time to share that information with Blake.
‘Ek is fokken opgeblase’ she explains, but unfortunately Blake doesn’t speak Africaans and thinks she’s telling him she loves him.
‘So, can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with me?’ he asks, which confuses Louise because usually when she discusses her lymphatic drainage issues with men, they start talking about slowing shit down.
To the cameras Blake says that he ‘treasures’ the love she has for him, and Rico reckons we don’t need a Google Translator to interpret that as Pack. Your. Bags.
After another ad break it’s time for some footage of Lisa in yet another floral shirt and no pants standing on a bridge thinking about her and Blake’s potential offspring. According to Lisa, she really wants to have kids. Like, really. Like, now. Like, with anyone. And because of that, she’s willing to put up with Blake’s shit for as long as it takes to pump out her own Lacrosse team.
When Blake appears, Lisa has miraculously changed into jeans, which Rico reckons is odd considering her goal is impregnation and Blake has never seemed like the kind of guy who reacts well to obstacles. Blake, who is unaware of this (or IS he), says he knows she loves kids, and that taking her to an African school will be a test to see whether that’s restricted to white ones.
But of course this is Lisa: Lisa who stood up for Laurina, Lisa who stood up for Jess, Lisa who never once took the opportunity to use the Fart Soundboard during Amber’s one-on-one time with Blake. And that means she’s just a really fucking nice person who doesn’t care what colour the children are as long as they can fit in her suitcase.
‘Hooray!’ scream the children when she announces she’s adopting every single one of them.
‘Boooooo!’ scream the children when it turns out Blake has no intention of being Angelina Jolie.
Part two of the date is a quick helicopter ride to some fancy joint on the mountain where they get to sit in a room with tonnes of white furniture and pretend that the house they went to last week was actually Lisa’s.
‘You’re the last man I want to bring there’, says Lisa, who admits that the vacate inspection was hell on her dad’s arthritis and was Blake the one who left BBQ sauce on the bog roll?
Blake reckons he’s speechless that Lisa took him to a fake house and that some sauce would have been great on that dry fucking fish burger he was forced to choke down. She soothes him with the information that ‘there’s more’ she’d like to say, but she can’t and Rico guesses it’s that her family are now living out of their car and are hoping he chooses her so they have somewhere to wash their pits other than the McDonalds toilets.
Mollified, Blake tells her that he’s falling ‘hard’ and, in case she has any doubt as to what that means, here’s a crotch he prepared earlier. The date ends with a little balcony straddling so Lisa’s vagina can see what all the fuss is about, and Rico reckons because Lisa is the only one Blake seems to be able to lift without any degree of difficulty, all those muscles are as pointless as Louise showing up to the Rose Ceremony.
Another ad break later and it’s time for a shot of all three gals frantically applying concealer and screaming at Osher to stop stealing their chicken fillets.
In another room, Blake is pondering what the small, round plastic things on the front of his shirt are, and why whenever he puts one in the corresponding hole he can no longer admire his own tits. To the cameras he recites the line that every Bachelor is contracted to spit out at this point in the show: that he has no idea who he’s going to send home. But not because he’s indecisive or anything, just because he wrote it down on his palm and then forgot about it when he was having a pre-Rose Ceremony wank.
But here’s Osher, which means Blake has run out of time to unzip his pants and hope the name is somehow still smeared on his dick.
‘Are you ready?’ Osher murmurs to Blake, and Blake nods that he is because he’s just remembered he had trouble spelling the name and that means it must have been Louise!
With that weight off his shoulders, he goes up to the girls and, as a group, thanks them for flying to Capetown and causing South African Airlines to file a formal complaint against Channel 10. He then gives the first rose to Sam because, of all of them, her name was mentioned most frequently in the letter.
Rico reckons the myriad of expressions that crossed Louise’s face when she heard Sam’s name is difficult to capture in words and that it’s lucky we are drunks with the power of Google to accurately convey what otherwise we could not:
Unlike Louise, Sam does not look surprised or vomitous or a combination of both, and the Dog mutters that this sudden surety doesn’t exactly match up with the woman who stammered so hard she practically capsized their uber expensive love boat.
By the time Sam has found her way to the winner’s podium and it’s time to deliver the final verdict, Louise’s face has managed to get a grip on its shit, which is good for her but a real shame for those of us hoping for Spaghetti Face: The Sequel.
And the final rose goes to: Lisa, which means it’s time for Louise to clear the disappointed scum out off her vocal chords and say her goodbyes to Blake with some Whitney, rather than a butcher knife.
Sing it, Louitney!
Once she’s in the limo, though, Louise makes it clear that she has no fucking intention of ‘letting Blake go’ and the first thing she’ll be doing once she gets home is setting up a meeting with Anita and opening a YouTube account.
The show ends with a preview of some giraffes, some scary-looking lizards, and another scary-looking lizard who may or may not be Blake’s gran.
Oh sweet MOTHER the suspense!!!