Bachelor Blake Family Visits – Jess’ Top Five Self-Sabotage Tips

26 Sep

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Well we’d just like to start off by saying:  WAS SUSPICIOUS RICO RIGHT?  We said it in our last blog but we didn’t believe it!  But here we are and Jess is gone – and I don’t mean gone into the bathroom to floss those giant chompers, I mean GONE!  But could it really just be as simple as Jess being earmarked for The Bachelorette?

As you would be aware, Drunk Rico has never fully trusted the intuitive powers of Suspicious Rico, because Suspicious Rico has never been attuned to all the subtle nuances that Drunk Rico and his sidekick, Trashed Dog, live for.  And after watching last night’s show, Drunk Rico is convinced that – future star of The Bachelorette or not – the real reason Blake couldn’t take Jess any further than family visits came down to these five things:

1) Her top gave Blake an eerie look into the future.

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Blake, as we all know because he’s banged on about it so many times, wants lots of little Blake Juniors and Blake-ettes. What he hasn’t banged on about wanting is a wife with a post-childbirth tummy flap that eclipses her vagina.

2) She paired her post-partum top with skinny jeans and high-heeled sneakers.

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The skinny jeans we can understand because it was obviously a brisk day but if she felt the need for some assistance in the leg-lengthening department, why on earth not go for a pair of boots?  And, yes, we KNOW those sneakers have ‘concealed’ heels, but any fool knows they are there and frankly any fashion accessory that immediately brings to mind Tom Cruise also immediately brings to mind John Travolta, and that’s just gross.

3) She lied about having a ‘beautiful mother’

Remember on that first night when Blake told her she had a beautiful smile and she said she had a beautiful mother?  Well allow us to present Exhibit A, Mama Jess:

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Hmmmm.  Awkward.  Especially since only two dates previously Blake had met Louise’s mother and, well, here’s Exhibit B, Mama Louise:

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It’s a cliche, isn’t it, to say that a man can look at his girlfriend’s mother and see into his future? And although Rico reckons he’d consider Mama Jess because her claw seemed perpetually gripped around a wine stem, Blake has never seemed like the kind of guy who’d pick dry turkey leg over a nice plump breast – even if it was wearing one of Dr Kimberley Shaw’s old wigs.

4) Her parents didn’t want him in their home

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That’s right, avid viewers, you remember that bit where Blake drove past a sign that read ‘Ocean Beach Holiday Park’?  Well that was an actual holiday park and, no, Jess’ parents aren’t so Lisa-rich they can afford to buy out the whole damn thing – they just didn’t want to take the risk that Blake would stash some of their cutlery in his trousers on his way back from the toilets.

5) Jess stopped slow-blinking

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You know, I’m not sure when it happened. It could have been right at the beginning on the beach, but whatever the case, by the time the real, businesslike Jess came out and informed Blake that, no, he wouldn’t be moving in with her and, yes, he’d have to make all appointments to see her through her secretary, I was having trouble remembering what it even looked like.

The Dog, who rarely makes verbal comment on any of these things because he’s normally too busy scrapbooking, reckons Jess is stone cold and between her and her mother it’s no wonder poor snaggle-toothed Andre spends every waking hour fishing or crying into his tackle box.

But enough about Jess for now because there were other family visits too, the most interesting by far being Lisa’s.

‘Hey, look, kayaks!  Why don’t we hop in and go for a paddle up to the private jetty of my OBSCENELY RICH PARENTS’ HOUSE!’

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Rico reckons Blake would have taken one look at that ridiculous waterfront mansion and died inside at the memory of his rent-a-limo and the thought that the closest he’s ever come to a butler is that greasy little butt-nugget, Osher.  Also problematic for Blake was that Lisa’s sister, though older, was distinctly rootable and, unlike Lisa, hadn’t gotten changed into something Susannah Carr would pop on to attend a niece’s wedding.

Sam’s family, of course, were on the opposite end of the scale and because bogans spend the time they should be learning to read, breeding, there were babies all over the shop and Blake had to work hard to tell the consomme from the overspray.  The other issue for Sam was that there was a red-headed person in the house and no-one took the time to explain whether she and Sam were actually related and Rico reckons, more than any doubt over ‘fully committing herself’, THIS was what had Blake concerned about taking her through to the final three.

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And then there was Louise whose dad, Terry, stated to the cameras from the get-go that he’d only need half an hour to decide whether to fire up the tractor and chase Blake off the property.  Rico reckons the only reason Blake spilled the champagne was because he NEVER expected Louise’s mum to be so Nine and a Half Weeks rootable, and that if Terry had just given him a fucking second before storming off to change into his shoulder harness and camo trousers, he could have explained himself.

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So who is going to win?

Rico reckons that Sam being in last night’s bottom two guarantees her a spot in the final two and Blake needs to decide which out of a rootable mother and a father who wants him DEAD, or a rootable sister and a squillion dollars is the more attractive.

Personally I think it will come down to Sam and Lisa – especially now we’ve seen that Blake is planning to hunker down on bended forelock and offer up a (please God not Bundas) engagement ring.  Lisa because, well, he’d be marrying into never having to worry where his next holiday for two with his mother comes from, and Sam because she’s like little orphan Annie – only hopefully without the gingery genes.

Until finals week, lovers!

xo Flawless

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