See, Chantal? See??!! THIS is what happens when you nag like brown-toothed fishwife – you end up with a size 15 boot in your back and a car seat in your face that smells suspiciously like Amber. And to all you Bachelorettes who were so utterly astounded I say: wake up and smell Louise’s wine-feet, bitches!
Sorry – as you can see Rico and I are a bit worked up after tonight’s proceedings – firstly because there was only a thin screen separating us from an actual winery, and secondly because both Jess AND Chantal were wearing leotards and the Dog had stolen the only blindfold.
But let’s start at the beginning, because here’s Osher with a date card and what looks like one half of an 80’s boom box on his head. Slutty Sam does the honours and reads out the obviously wine-related clue that has the bachelorettes shrieking and Rico dancing around in his paper towel kilt with a wine glass clenched between his teeth.
And the lucky lady is of course, Louise, which has Chantal shooting her a look that suggests she’d just love to ram a fist down her throat and start pumping out intestinal balloon animals.
A short time warp later and Louise is standing next to a body of water fretting that she’ll have to get into another fucking swimsuit. But, no, because here’s the helicopter with Blake in it, and a pilot who has instructions to make straight for the Hunter Valley and not to stop for anyone wearing a paper towel kilt who may be trying to flag them down.
On arrival, Louise lets Blake know just how ecstatic she is to be alone with him AND enough piss to get the population of China off their faces. She then sees the horse and carriage and goes a little bit mental – as does Amber who is no doubt watching this episode from the comfort of a one-bedroom dumpster.
According to Blake, nothing says ‘romance’ like a horse and carriage and a driver who’s willing to turn a blind eye to the stains on his upholstery. Louise agrees and gushes that if she hadn’t seen this same shit on every season of The Bachelor since time immemorial, she’d swear he was trying to impress her.
Anyhoo it’s giddy-up to their destination which means it’s time for Louise to pull out the remnants of the caramel slice she baked when Chantal was riding the red gravy train.
‘Here’s a bit that bitch managed not to bleed on.’ Louise offers sexily, before telling the cameras that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach – but only if his dick got lopped off in a nasty accident.
To the cameras Blake says it was ‘really cute’ that Louise brought food for their five second trip – especially because it tasted disgusting and she saved him having to eat any more by shoving most of it down her own throat.
Arriving at the winery and it’s time to do a bit of old fashioned grape stomping because Blake still hasn’t gotten enough of forcing Louise to reveal her cankles. As her massive swollen limbs crush the hapless grapes, Louise compliments the matching size of Blake’s feet – only to be disappointed when he tells her not to expect any correlation in the trouser department. What follows is a bit of a kiss that is strangely waaaaay sexier than the one at the end of their last date, and Rico reckons if it wasn’t for his gut instinct he’d swear Blake suddenly finds her more attractive than, say, a headless racehorse.
Back at the Bachelor house and it’s a celebratory atmosphere because the people’s hero, Laurina, has arrived back from several difficult days arguing about sheet thread count at a day spa. Slutty Sam reckons she was really worried when Laurina was gone, because those doctor bitches can perform miracles these days and what if she’s come back with a vagina like a fifteen year old gymnast?
Laurina says that it was ‘great to get out of the house’ and remind her face about Project: Hunter Tylo, and sometimes it takes a little thing like a Dirty Street Pie festering in your guts for a week to remind you to be kind to yourself.
Speaking of kindness, it’s group date card time and because she’s done nothing more strenuous lately than lift an organic poached egg onto her fork and tell the nurses to get some fucking soy milk, it’s Laurina’s turn to open the envelope.
‘Let’s put our hearts on the line’ reads the card, which has Chantal thinking they’re going on a flying fox and Jess wondering whether she has time to weave a tandem harness. Laurina senses her train of thought and tells the cameras that she will have ‘no trouble’ telling Jess that she’s a clutchy little cuntface if she doesn’t keep to a ten meter perimeter.
Back to the vineyard now because it’s lunchtime and time for Blake to confess to the cameras that he’s still pinching himself whenever he remembers that he never has to set eyes on Amber. Ever. At the table there’s plenty of booze and while Rico covetously eyes the selection, Louise gushes that before she came into the house she wrote a ‘list’ that made up her ultimate guy and he ticks every box! Naturally, Blake is eager to know the contents of the list and whether ‘dick the size of a motherfucking PLANET’ got a mention. She confirms that, yes, it did and that ‘awkwardly close relationship with mother’ and ‘occasional prostitute’ also featured prominently.
Blake then asks her what he’s asked every other girl and their bandy-legged Siamese: whether she can see herself falling in love with him. She says yes, turns the question back around on him and then settles back for the Duck and Weave Show.
Off to the final stage of the date which is a little fire-lit cabana by a pool because the date is suddenly taking place in Bali. Over another few litres of wine, she tells him that ‘this could be extraordinary’, because not only has he kept down her caramel slice but he hasn’t yet discovered where she’s stashed the lasagne. Blake responds by giving her a rose and saying that it would be great if she could continue to sneak food out of the Bachelor house, because some of the girls are getting porky and the producers have refused to stump for a fridge lock.
The next day dawns and it’s Group Date time which turns out to be a lecture by a rather stern-faced woman on why it is a shit idea to fill your arteries with McDonalds. According to Osher, who has once more found his way on to the set, today is about ‘showing Blake your charitable side’, and to that effect they’ll be filming a public service announcement in which it may or may not be wise to get your tits out. Because it’s a team event, demi-bogans, Lisa and Sam are paired, followed by Jess and Chantal and Laurina and Zoe, and Rico reckons if the prize really is a drunken trip back to the bachelor pad, Blake isn’t a fucking idiot.
And sure enough, despite Jess and Chantal displaying their dubious assets in leotards and Laurina complaining that she wouldn’t use her polyester slutty nurse’s outfit to mop up a Dirty Street Pie, Lisa and Sam take the prize with their fabulous demonstration of how to completely ignore the Heart Foundation message and smear suncream into a gigantic white nipple.
And so off to the Bachelor Pad they go and Sam is both exhilarated and dumber than chutney when she gushes that it’s awesome to ‘see how Blake lives’. Still, she wasn’t brought over for her brains which is evident when Blake sits them down with some alcohol and suggests they ‘play a game’.
‘OMG have you got Scotland Yard?’ shrieks Lisa, which has Blake grumbling sexily that he was thinking more of Hide the Sausage, but what the fuck ever. They settle on Truth which is, of course, the dull fuckery version of Truth or Dare because it never ends in anyone sprinting naked down a main street with a mouthful of tampons.
And, holy crap CRAP it’s duller than Holly, Rachel and Lauren combined because it’s basically just the same questions Blake has asked every other girl, just carefully crafted for slightly more white trash mentalities. In fact, the only interesting part is when Sam tells Blake that he should really take her for home visits because then he’ll be able to ‘join the dots’ and see exactly what sort of red neck upbringing pushed her onto the path of loose morals.
Oh and she also kinda dumps the L-word, but only in a ‘I think I could’ way and not in the ‘if you leave me I will make fire’ Anita-way.
But let’s get onto the cocktail party because tonight everyone’s in masks and there’s a super special twist! Oh alright there isn’t, it’s just that Blake will be roaming the halls randomly handing out roses, rather than standing on a platform in the manner that the Channel Ten insurers usually prefer.
Anyhoo, in the manner of a Masquerade Ball, tonight Louise isn’t the only one wearing a floor-length dress and there’s one – no, two! – Princess Elsas. Rico reckons that masks do strange things to people’s faces because with only the mouth and chin visible Lisa looks a bit like Ailsa from Home and Away and Jessica still looks like she could crush Gary Busey in a veneer fight.
In comes Blake, also wearing a mask, and they all marvel how, with a mask on, he could be ANYONE – just not Osher because Osher is a stumpy little Hobbit with too much money to spend on hair product.
First to be taken off for some soft spoken pleasantries is Jess, who – what? Pulls out a letter which, please GOD!, doesn’t include a hand drawn sketch of Blake as a geriatric. Ok, it’s just a letter. A four-page letter. All about how she’s just a sweet little girl who turns into a social flower whenever he’s around. Rico reckons this kind of subliminal messaging is GENIUS and, sure enough, it works and Jess gets to skip back into the parlor clutching the first rose of the night.
Next to get snatched up by the masked man is Lisa, and Chantal does her bit for the atmosphere of the party by keeping up a steady stream of whining and bitching. Back comes Lisa, also with a rose, and off goes Sam and Laurina watches her go before muttering darkly that, unlike the others, she’s learned to shut her fat mouth – especially when taken out to the food truck that has more spew on the pavement than a nightclub toilet.
Back comes a rose-bearing Sam and off goes Zoe and Rico reckons he’s not that surprised considering her boobs look quite good in the strapless dress and you can barely see any of her piranha face. Laurina, though, is less than impressed and tells the other girls that being left so late sucks dirty dog’s balls and this may be time to perform another Amber-style dramatic exit to get Blake’s attention.
And… it works. Of course it works. But we don’t get to see if she gets a rose because, being down to her and Chantal, the producers need to milk this foregone conclusion for all they’ve got!
Rico reckons, honestly, it was clear the minute Blake took Chantal outside and WOULDN’T LET HER SIT DOWN. That’s right, folks, he keeps the poor woman standing while he tells her that their sloppy drunk pash was a totally gross mistake and where the hell is that car?!
When the car finally rolls up, Chantal has had the bad news delivered to every available orifice and it’s only when she’s tapping on the driver’s divider to ask him to put a lid on the Titanic soundtrack that she realizes that that sly fuckstick frisked back his earrings when he hugged her goodbye.
Speaking of surprises, back in the house the rose-holding bachelorette’s are convincing each other that freshly tucked Laurina will not be living to defy expression for another day. Their shock, then, when she casually strolls back in with a rose in her claw, is palpable, and Rico reckons if they truly didn’t see this coming then they really haven’t seen the episode where Chantal got shit-drunk and frothed all over her panty liner.
Until next week, Bachelor lovers!