Oh producers. Rico and I cannot express how disappointed we are in you. Did you not HEAR the part where Jess claimed not to care about the circumstances of her dates? Did you not realize that this was the ULTIMATE opportunity to show her up as the over-bite pot calling the fashion entrepreneur a whiney kettle slut?
I mean, you wouldn’t even have had to change anything else! Still give her the romantic dress, still give her the red carpet limo – hell, still get her there via steamtrain. But then at the end of it, instead of your Nicholas Sparks love boat, why not a pop-up tent of seasoned prostitutes eager to compete for Blake’s tips in their own special way? And then, if Jess had the gall to complain just like Laurina, you could have had him explain that love is sometimes about the simple things – and what is simpler than getting a blow-job without having to meet the in-laws? You could have even dragged out that old line about ‘stripping things back’ – and that by removing their thigh-highs that’s exactly what the girls were doing!
Sweet mother, do we really have to spell all this out for you?
Anyhoo, because none of that happened, Rico and I are a bit despondent today, and if it hadn’t been for the
second cellulite inspection yacht party, we probably may not have even bothered.
The show opens with the bachelorettes in the seventh level of Heaven because Amber has gone and that means they no longer have to check their bed sheets for scorpions or worry that, one day, they’ll grow up and look just like her. Of the girls, Jess is the only one stupid enough to wonder why Amber didn’t ‘say goodbye’ – either that or she loves rubbing in the fact that Amber didn’t even have the chance to take a piss, let alone tell nine girls that she regrets only that she doesn’t have nine middle-fingers.
Queue the arrival of Osher who brings the exciting news that, this week, the group date is happening BEFORE the single date because, well, buckle up, Laurina!
Up jumps Louise who reveals the predictable information that Jess is going on the single date and that everyone else has less than an hour to strip off for a yacht party. Naturally, Jess is so thrilled by the news her teeth are EVERYWHERE which brings Laurina to suggest her ‘dance background’ is the reason she can’t even open up a fucking Snickers without clutching an imaginary bouquet and thanking her parents.
Jess responds by telling the cameras she’s sure her date will be ‘old world romantic’ and that Laurina would be thanking her fucking parents too if it meant going on a date that didn’t come framed by a service station
Oh alright, we made that last bit up.
Anyhoo, off to the yacht party we go and here’s Blake dressed in a pink shirt and a pork pie hat explaining to the girls that one of his favourite things to do is to get trashed and dance his tits off on a boat – sugar daddies and cocktails anyone?
‘Fuck YAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!’ bellows Slutty Sam, who loves nothing better than getting a skinfull of B52s and then making room for round two all over the dance floor.
Wwhat follows is a fair bit of dancing where clothes come off and Chantal demonstrates a newly acquired, uncanny knack to find a flattering pose whenever the camera comes out:
Nice imaginary ship’s railing, Chantal.
Unfortunately for Sam, she’s nowhere near as savvy, and even though she has arguably the best body on the boat, she seems more interested in necking the raw ingredients than holding a posture – a strategy that works horrors on her midsection.
Anyhoo, with clothes off, it’s time for Blake to stop dancing like a fifteen year old raver and get back to his job. Starting with a bit of one-on-one with newbie Rachel who passes the cellulite inspection with flying colours, but loses points for a discoloured front tooth.
Blake doesn’t seem to mind the tooth, but because his conversational skills can’t navigate through the treacherous waters of ‘so you like boats?’, he’s forced to cut it short and find someone drunker to rub sun cream all over.
Lucky lady in question, Sam, is pissed enough to forget that she’s once again in broad daylight and makes Blake giggle with stories of how they set fire to Amber’s room thinking she was still in it. She then tells him how confusing it is to be on a show competing for a man, when she could swear she auditioned for Snog Marry Avoid. Blake deepens his voice to bowel-level and tells her that she needs to ‘have faith’ and ‘focus on us’ – because how else will she be able to achieve genuine shock when he rejects her in the Final 3?
Yes, that’s Rico’s prediction.
Anyhoo, a rose and an ad break later and it’s time for Laurina to press her fist into her mouth and perform the silent scream wall-slide, because here’s Jess in a sparkly dress walking down a red carpet and getting into a 1920s town car. Blake, wearing a waistcoat, is waiting for her next to the Hogwarts Express, because apparently since Amber departed all the death eaters have gone back into hiding.
To the cameras, Jess gushes that she’s dreamed of going to Hogwarts and having dirty half-giant sex with Hagrid since she was a little girl, and the fact that Blake understands her nasty little fantasies and has planned a date around them speaks volumes for the potential of their wedding night. Blake is intrigued by the strength required to root a giant and asks Jess where she gets it from. What follows is a truly moving monologue featuring phrases such as ‘self-worth’, ‘I’m proud of the woman I am today’ and ‘Madame Maxime can eat SHIT!’, which has Blake torn between throwing himself off the train, or beating off into his hand.
After a quick pash on the back of the train, it’s off to the set of The Notebook 2 where Blake makes a tit of himself talking about love at first sight when Holly was the one who got the White Rose. Jess responds by telling him that ‘there’s something here’ which could lead to a ‘deep love’ or, as Rico says, Blake becoming so deeply sick of her slow blinking that he stabs her in the face.
Back at the house and the talk is naturally about Jess and whether or not a fat line of speed would turn her into someone more likeable. Lisa says she isn’t sure, but what she does know is that second dates are a test – unless you’re Laurina and then they’re just a joke.
Into this atmosphere dances Jess, flushed with the joy of not being Laurina and carting a fat, red ride through the next Rose Ceremony. While she describes the ‘decadent romance’ of her date, Sam reckons she’s having a hard time having the ‘faith’ Blake told her to, because if this bitch gets any smugger she’ll be a tampon commercial.
On to the Cocktail Party and Louise has traded her whorey red lips for a nice subtle taupe because the rumour has clearly gotten back to her that Blake spent the night after their kissing date taking minstrel selfies. Blake notices immediately and takes her for a chat where Louise giggles and bounces up and down on her seat so hard Rico worries she’s actually Tom Cruise in disguise.
Back with the others and Mary is in a quandary about whether to approach Blake, whilst Rachel is nervous because she’s fairly certain Blake noticed her yellow tooth and Mrs Marsh always said that would be a deal-breaker. It’s Lisa who gets the next alone-time, though, and is thrilled when Blake takes her to their ‘secret spot’ surrounded by open space and camera crews. Once there, Blake wastes no time assuring Lisa that his ‘feelings’ for her have not diminished – which Rico reckons is extremely positive, providing said ‘feelings’ aren’t the ones pregnant women usually reserve for uncooked chicken.
After her chat, Lisa tells the others she’s totes relieved, which has Zoe convinced that Blake has told Lisa she is The One – and how can Lisa be The One when she’s never flashed her cleavage at any sick Vanuatans? So mad is Zoe that she takes her theory to the other girls, including Jess, who – slow blinker she may be – has no trouble hauling ass to pin Blake up against the conifers for an explanation.
When Rose Ceremony time arrives, there’s more grim news: tonight two girls will be rough-riding the reject express and only one of the newbies has a yellow tooth!
Lisa is first, much to Zoe’s increasingly apocalyptic paranoia, followed by Louise, Chantal and then newbie Lauren. Laurina gets the next reprieve, which means there’s only one rose and Zoe, Mary and Rachel to fight it out.
And it goes to… Zoe, of course, because not only is she one of the originals, but she also has excessively whitened teeth and didn’t have a white swimsuit that left none of her rolls to the imagination (yes, we’re looking at you, Mary).
She show ends with Zoe shooting an ‘awww, too bad bitches’ look at the departing twosome, and a preview of Lisa’s second single date, followed by Jess being Jess and someone having a medical emergency and a masquerade ball and Louise getting another date and Sam being sad and – Jesus Crap, producers, ever heard of less is more?
Until next time lovers!