Well now here’s a super-fun question for you:
What’s the best way to help an ugly girl look potentially rootable?
A) Teach her to make the most of her face with clever make-up?
B) Show her how to enter a room with confidence?
C) Pack the room with six girls so ugly they make your beer goggles shatter on sight?
That’s right, Bachelor-lovers, the answer is C because check out what the producers coaxed out of the kennels from the nearest Biker club: Intruders!
Rico reckons, though she may not show it in the previews, this must be the greatest day of Amber’s life, because since Anita and Katrina took the ferry ride back to maximum security, she’s clearly been the Bachelorette most likely to horrify even seasoned carnival workers with the sheer non-beauty of her face.
But this lot? Oh, producers! Rico and I confess we didn’t dream you had this in you, but now we know we tip our hats and bow down to your depravity – particularly if it means Blake has to do kissy face with the shrivelled one – No! – the poor-man’s Holly – No! – Claire Danes’ robber’s dog brunette sibling! Oh the choices are endless!
Do we dare to take another look?
Oh, sweet mother of middle-aged attack-goats! Is this the End of Days? Are these the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, plus a couple of well-worn groupies? Should we all be freezing like Sam Neil told us all in the hopes that this marauding pack of T-Rexes will go devour another village?
And just for fun, check out the mixed group:
See? See?! Sam’s skin looks positively glowing! Zoe looks like a fresh, young filly of 50! And Amber, well, Amber looks like the kind of sweetheart you could wake up in bed next to who doesn’t make you wish for death, or the strength to chew through your own skull to get at the memories!
In fact, the only thing this picture doesn’t do is wipe out the image of Jess in her last Rose Ceremony outfit:
I mean, did Amber tell her to wear that? Could she really have picked it herself? Doesn’t she know that whole thing about inside beauty is utter trash when you stagger out looking like a midget who raided Giselle Bundchen’s wardrobe? And would it have killed Osher to lend her one of his chicken fillets?
Anyhoo, we’ll be arming ourselves for tonight’s show with an extra four-litre cask and Rico reckons if things get hairy and we start to doubt that grace and beauty still exists, we can always change the channel and cross our fingers we don’t stumble across James Packer.
Or Carrie Bickmore.
Until tonight, lovers!