You know, Rico and I have always firmly been of the opinion that breaking up with Glenn Close was the dumbest thing Michael Douglas in Fatal Attraction ever did, because if they’d stayed together and gotten married, we’d still be sitting here, drinking boxed wine and enjoying the true romance that only really occurs when one half of the relationship wishes they had steak knives for teeth.
And so, in the spirit of that thought we say: Big mistake, Blake. Huge.
Because, that’s right folks, Blake cut the old umbilical between himself and Anita last night, and with her gone so are our hopes of Anita getting a one-on-one date and then asking him if he wants to feel the baby.
Anyhoo, we’ve got a job to do so let’s get down to it.
As we know from all the previews, tonight’s the night of the Thunderdome Date and – Hey! what do you know? – Blake has chosen to take questionably skilled portrait artist, Katrina, and the girl who looks just like her, Zoe, off to the chopping block.
But – what’s this? – neither of these two fools have been on more than one date before and, what’s more, they hate each others’ guts. Hooray!
Anyhoo, with an hour to get ready the producers have time to give us a little background footage. First up is Katrina and there she is playing her guitar in her house and writing music and looking for all the world like a girl with a head for the inside of a cereal box. Next is Zoe who who works as a pharmacist and enjoys traveling to third world countries and strutting up and down their hospital corridors wearing a low-cut top.
Get rid of both of them, Blakey!
Back to the date, now, because it’s time for the tension-filled limo ride in which Katrina lays down all the ways in which she thinks Zoe is the least pleasant person since Reese Witherspoon, and Zoe cries because she’s right.
Unfortunately for Zoe, things aren’t going to get any better because the date is taking place in the Chinese Garden of Friendship, and Blake’s orders for the day are to play dumber than usual.
First up on the agenda is for the girls to change out of their carefully selected outfits, and into frumpy Chinese dresses, and then explain to Blake how they hate each other so hard they’d happily use each others’ faces as an ashtray.
Next up is the gag reflex test which is basically Blake taking notes while the girls choke down disgusting food, and Osher making cracks about unwashed dick in the background.
‘From what I know of tongue, there’s some cartilage in there!’ Blake cautions sexily, before telling the cameras that he was impressed that neither of the girls threw their napkins on the floor and told him to go fuck himself.
Food finished and now it’s time for Katrina to look bitter while Zoe makes dad jokes that have Blake in stitches and Rico snapping at the Dog to stop writing them down.
‘You make me laugh’ explains helpful Blake, which makes Katrina panic and immediately try and bring down the conversation by bringing up his dead beat father.
Unfortunately it’s a backfire for both girls, because the rest of the meal is filled up with the story of how his father is The Devil Who Didn’t Buy Him a Bike for His Birthday which forced his mother to Work Extra Hours To Buy Him a Bike. And how does he know all this? His mother told him.
Well played, mother.
Back at the mansion and Kara’s reading out the names on the group date card while Jess plays with Lisa’s hair, because everyone knows you have to keep your friends close and other women who Blake is interested in closer.
The line on the card says ‘temperatures are rising, let’s cool off’, which of course means it’s time for Blake to line up the girls in their swimming costumes and perform a cellulite inspection.
Back with the Katrina and Zoe, though, because the threesome is over and Blake has pulled Katrina aside to try and convince her that he was able to read her letter without vomiting.
To the cameras he explains that Katrina’s letter ‘revealed some very deep and personal things’ and that not since Sinead O’Connor has a woman been so open about her love for sex in the brown hole.
Anyhoo, Katrina takes the opportunity to tell Blake about how she was engaged to her best friend but that she had to break it off when she realised that the only time she could get it up was when she pictured him never having been born. Blake, seeing his chance, immediately starts sewing the seeds that she is perhaps not ready for marriage, and that he, Blake, is so keen for nuptials he can barely walk out of his house without proposing to the postman.
When it’s Zoe’s turn, she tells the cameras that she’s been trying to ‘focus on the positives of the night’ such as how she didn’t spew egg down her front and how chunky Katrina looked in the blue dress.
She then bumps awkwardly through her chat with Blake, who wants to know why she is holding back when the potential for national humiliation is laid before her on the table.
Rico reckons all this is pointless and that Zoe could have shoved Blake’s head under the table cloth and Dutch Ovened him into next week, because unless she’s sketched an incredibly unflattering drawing of him in the last five minutes, Katrina is a rejected woman walking.
‘I don’t share the connection’ Blake murmurs to Katrina at the big reveal, and she responds that ‘it’s fiiiiiine’ and then shuffles off to add a giant dick to the head of his next portrait.
‘You have one of the kindest hearts I’ve ever encountered’ he then tells Zoe, before giving her a rose AND a diamond bracelet and eliciting a ginormous ‘ermagherrrrrrd!’ from the lady in question.
With one more girl down, it’s group date time and, yes, it really is the cellulite inspection girls like Chantal and Louise have been dreading.
‘Consider this a home away from home!’ says Osher, before adding that the only thing left for them to do is get their tits out.
‘Wayhaaaayyyyyy!’ shrieks Slutty Sam, because what man is going to notice Bolognaise sauce-face when there’s a rack on the table?
Of the girls, Diana, Alana, Lisa and Slutty Sam have by far the best bodies. Of the others, Amber is built like a keg, Louise has her cankle issues and Chantal is the proud owner of a set of Mrs Floppers, haphazardly packed into a black one piece
When Blake pulls her aside, Chantal tells the cameras that she made sure to display their floppiness to best advantage, because doesn’t every man secretly desire a woman whose tits look like they’ve been breastfed by Sextuplets?
Diana also gets a little chat time with Blake while he’s stuck on an inflatable swan, and prattles on and on about her Disney obsession and if a man ‘ever took her to Disneyland’ she’d force a ring on his finger even if she had to bite off his knuckles to do it.
And then it’s Louise’s turn and because she’s suffering from an unfortunate case of Jabba-Leg, Blake tells her he loves her eyes and her lipstick and, well, basically anything that doesn’t make him have to look at her from the waist-down.
With the pool party done, it’s cocktail party time and Alana is busy telling the group that because Blake didn’t approach her at the pool party, she’s going to ignore him until the end of time. Not that Blake notices, because he’s already off with Kara and listening to her lie through her teeth about how she’s one of those girls who doesn’t care if her boyfriend comes home at 5am in the morning reeking of lubricant.
When they head back, Anita – who has already informed the other girls she is on full stalk-alert tonight – snags him on the stairs and steers him over to the couch, because tonight is apparently the night she wants to tell him her Grand Plan of moving to Perth and having his children – all within the next two to three minutes.
Blake looks, and there’s really not any other way to describe this: terrified, and as soon as he can extricate himself he flees for the sanctuary of the producer’s hotline to tell them that, yes, he’s aware they wanted him to take her for a one-on-one, but, yes, he values the relative safety of his family and his penis more.
Anita, however, reckons her talk with Blake went super-well and that she wouldn’t be surprised if Blake calls her up first and announces to all those other girls that they are about to be witnesses to their MARRIAGE!
Alana is another one who is feeling confident, not because she’s talked to Blake or anything but because she doesn’t have quivering cellulitely thighs that had to be hastily covered with a towel when she hopped out of the pool.
But what’s this? Osher is the bearer of baaaaad news because two girls are going to be left rose-less tonight, not just one!
‘Ooooh’ worries every girl other than Anita, who tells the cameras that she ‘feels like sparks are flying’ and they are ‘in love at the moment’.
Rico reckons the sparks Anita is seeing are the last functional synapses in her brain shorting out due to an excess of psychosis.
Oh Blake. Run. Ruuuuuuuunnnnnn!
First to be called is cankle-y Louise, followed by Kara, Jessica, Laurina, Sam, Lisa and Amber. Which means Alana, Diana and Anita are all staring down the barrel of never seeing Blake’s penis outside of YouTube.
And the lucky girl is… hot bodied Alana.
Diana, typically, looks unphased and barely says goodbye, and Rico reckons the only thing that would probably upset this girl is if Mickey Mouse cheated on her with Goofy and didn’t invite her to join in.
Anita, however, is visibly disappointed, but manages to give him a really sweet goodbye which will no doubt stand her in reasonable stead the first time he opens his wardrobe door and finds her inside.
The show ends with a preview of Laurina’s face that no man or woman considering eating a meal would ever want to see, and Rico reckons if they HAD to choose a girl to have her face balloon animal-ed into a farting sphincter, then why oh why couldn’t it have been Amber’s?
Until next time, love seekers!