Well here we are back at Casa del Bachelor and if you were too busy picking your toenails from between your teeth last week, you missed the bit where Blake went on a date with Kate Middleton’s uglier, yet strangely waaaay sexier sister, Lisa, and Holly chose the chance to bib-up professionally over getting rejected in the not-to-far-distant future on national television.
Oh, and for all those media outlets reporting that she was ‘Blake’s favourite’, I have this response:
Because, let’s face it, they weren’t exactly burning the screens and Rico reckons the last time he saw that much raw, sexual chemistry he was watching an episode of Giggle and Hoot.
Lisa, on the other hand
Well hellloooooo to the dark horse! At first Rico and I were convinced that the only reason she got a date was because she laid down the old ‘no-one leaves Laurina in a corner’ line and showed that not all Bachelorettes would skin a baby seal with their teeth for the opportunity for a one-on-one. But then they were unexpectedly kinda adorable together and Rico reckons if Jess knew that Blake was the one to lean in for the second kiss – unlike on their date – she’d probably start rooting around in the kitchen for pots big enough to boil body parts in.
Anyhoo, the other big part of last episode was Amber being a complete and utter whining whorestick and – guess what? – tonight’s episode is Whining Whorestick: The Sequel because Slutty Sam’s name is on the date card and not Amber’s!
‘Yay!’ squeals Slutty Sam, who barely moves out of the way of Amber’s power-stalk out of the room in time.
Guitar-girl, Katrina, who put her hoof firmly down her own throat at last week’s rose ceremony for telling Blake to ‘pay more attention to her’, reckons being whiny and tantrummy is so disrespectful – unless it’s accompanied by some sort of stringed musical instrument. Laurina, on the other hand, reckons this is a clear-cut case of Amber throwing her toys out of the pram and then getting shirty when no-one else wants to share their 12-inch extra-veiny Chris Hemsworth.
Anyhoo, date time comes around and because Sam’s skin is as crappy as a fifteen year-old school girl’s, Blake’s taking her for a burger and chips at the drive-in.
‘This is so romantic!’ squeals Slutty Sam, who gets even more excited when Blake tells her their movie is ‘an exclusive premier’ and less excited when the waitress appears on roller skates and could possibly be Lauren.
But before she can rip her hat off and see if she’s hiding a set of bucket teefs, it’s sharing a banana split time and Sam takes the opportunity to talk about how good the banana looks while Blake promises to try not to get all over her face.
Back to the mansion though because smug Jess is clutching the group date card and trying to get Amber to turn purpler than an asphyxiated knob-end.
‘Chantal, Aniiiiiita, Lauuren, meeeeee…’ she sing-songs. ‘Oh, that’s it!’
‘CUUUUUUNNNNTTTTTTTTTTT!’ roars Amber.
But naturally it’s all just a bunch of crap and Jess was just having a little jape because, yes, Amber’s name is on the card after all. Sigh.
Back to the drive-in and Blake is getting Sam into a lather about the movie they’re about to watch. Unfortunately for Sam, though, it’s just a series of home movies which spills the secret that she’s not a natural blonde and features her dull sister yapping on and on about what a great sense of humour she has, even if her skin is bumpier than a hillbilly’s driveway.
When it’s finally finished, Sam tells Blake that she’s ‘a bit shakey’ thinking about how hard she is going to fuck her sister and her twenty-odd brothers for putting on this shit-show of shit. He in turn thanks her for ‘being real’ and gives her a rose, which Sam takes to mean ‘eat my face’, and so she does.
And it’s… not very pleasant. Rico reckons he can’t put his finger on exactly why that kiss looks so gross, because he’s afraid it will come away with Ebola.
But enough of one-on-ones, because it’s Group Date time at the race track and the girls have to compete against each other to see who can knock over the most bollards wearing a blindfold.
Jess, who’s been in training for this activity since her first reading of 50 Shades of Grey, is biting her lip like a champion and talking about how Blake’s nasal monotone makes her so excited she might just slide clean off those leather seats.
Anita reckons she is going to focus on letting him know she will do ANYTHING he says – particularly if that includes having his baby, calling said-baby Blanita and getting his face tattooed on her face.
Of the drivers, Anita is crap, Laurina is crap, Lauren is less crap, Amber is less crap again, Jess drives firmly from the missionary position, and Chantal reckons the way to stand out is to prove that a race car is also an excellent way of cleaning up pedestrians – or her competitors.
And it works, because she gets picked for the precious one-on-one time which – hang on a minute! – turns out to be getting hurled at ridiculous speed to a finish line without even the opportunity to paw Blake’s leg and ask for a bucket – or a rose – before the other girls are joining in!
But worse is yet to come for poor Chantal, because she’s barely out of the car before Blake is draping his jacket on Anita and taking Amber off to a secret room!
Back at the mansion and the other girls are surprised when the group daters troop back in minus whingetty Amber.
‘Where the fuck is she?!’ snaps Katrina, and Chantal explains that the whiny fucker has managed to bitch and moan her way into some one-on-one time and – yep – she’s still out there!
Rico reckons it must be hard for the girls to imagine just how whorestick Amber is flaying their backs bloody while she has Blake’s ear, but that the truth is that she’s just making a gross ass of herself by sticking her tongue into her wineglass every time she takes a sip in an attempt to look sexy.
But speaking of the unsexy devil because here she is and – uh oh! – she seems to have got herself a grip on a red rose.
‘Apparently I’m pretty cool!’ announces the whorestick herself, before gloating to the cameras that these bitches better get ready to see her squinty, mean-girl face for for a long while to come – and not just in their worst nightmares.
And speaking of nightmares – it’s Cocktail Party time! First up for a bit of a stroll to somewhere more comfortable is Louise, who we haven’t really seen much of since she plied Blake with alcohol on the first night. Blake compliments her on the long dress she’s wearing and Rico mutters that Louise should really stick to that sort of coverage, because last week’s Bachelorette Style spread revealed these:
Anyhoo, because only Laurina is forbidden from stealing another woman’s time, here comes Kara, who is a friend of Amber’s and has a similar poorly made-up trash face that Rico reckons would serve her well if she ever wanted to break into the movies as ‘drunk slut in club’.
So they chat for a bit until Katrina penetrates the perimeter and Kara is pissed because they had a ‘massive connection’ which was evident from the fact that Blake didn’t call for security.
But what’s this? Is Katrina going to pull out her guitar and sing another song? Nope – this time she’s written him a letter. And drawn him a picture. Of him.
While Rico and the dog laugh so hard I have to pull out the plastic sheeting, Blake struggles to find something to say that isn’t ‘but I don’t look like Mickey Rooney’.
He fails, but she doesn’t notice, and walks away chuffed that she ‘put her heart on the line’. In the form of drawing Mickey Rooney.
Moving on to the Rose Ceremony, and Osher does a little spiel about how it’s not easy pickings for Blake anymore, now that all the obvious minority groups are gone.
On the smug sidelines, Amber is yapping about how great it is that Blake is ‘interested’ in her, while Sam picks her zits and pictures her sister’s face when her fist first makes contact.
But here we go and Chantal is called first, followed by Lisa, Zoe, Mickey Rooney-sketch artist Katrina, Jess, Laurina, hidden-cankles Louise, Alana, crazy Anita and Diana. Which leaves slightly dog-faced Lauren, and Amber’s BFF, Kara.
And he chooses… Kara, because with minorities now gone, it’s time to start picking off the uglies.
Tick tick, bitch.
Amber, though, despite her friend being safe, lets out a giant, fake sob and has to be practically carried back to the house.
Also crying is Lauren, but she’s got good reason to because she’s the one in the back of the limo with foundation that isn’t nearly up to the task.
The show ends with more of Amber’s howling, the other girls plotting just what they can shove in her mouth to shut her up, and a preview of the dreaded Thunderdome Date: Two Girls Enter, One Girl Leaves.
Rico reckons if he were a betting man he’d put his money on Katrina being a sure thing for one of those seats – along with either cankles Louise or Kara, and anyone hoping for a bit of Laurina vs. Amber needs to take a seat and start peeling their eyes for flying pigs.
Until next time Bachelor lovers!